With all the stories I write, I feel like I'm running out of titles. This morning I woke up to a very sweet birthday text from Anikka. I'll admit these past couple of days have been very emotional. Love is extremely powerful, and when you're not loved the same way it's tough. It's not a matter of I said something that was taken the wrong way and I can say to Anikka's mum "Mel, will you tell her I didn't mean what I said." Anikka has to love me if she wants to, on her own terms and not because she feels bad or because someone else tells her that I'm an awesome guy. These past couple of days have been a lonely battle against my mind, my emotions, and the most powerful force in the universe: LOVE.
Anikka started a new job today at a gelato shop. Whilst I initially objected to not spending the entire day with me, it doesn't have to be on my actual birthday that we do something. Whilst she was at work I entertained myself, going geocaching and riding around on a pushbike. In just a few weeks when I'm in LA I'll have my bicycle, Zulu, accessible.
Mel asked where I'd like to go to dinner tonight, and Anikka said she'd like to make me a birthday cake and give me a massage. She was recently certified as a massage therapist. As for dinner I had difficulty deciding but I was thinking of Thai.
Tonight Anikka and I would have a very emotional talk, with her explaining to me how it's extremely stressful for her how I love her the way I do. She was upset, but at the end of it all we gave each other a hug. It hurts me a lot to see Anikka upset even though it's healthy for two people to have these sorts of conversations and I feel we're both excellent at conveying how one another feels. When you love someone the way I love Anikka, your best bet is to let them know and just hope for the best. Even though my heart has been hurting, I'm not hurt at Anikka and I never, ever will be! I'm just at a point in my life where I would like to have a meaningful relationship, even if it doesn't work out in the end and I discover that relationships aren't for me, I would like to have a go at it. As far back as high school I've had girls tell me they only like me as a friend, but I feel I'm beyond that stage; I would like something meaningful. Mel asked me earlier if I've thought about getting a different job, but the last thing I need in my life is more work. I have no difficulty with work or money since I work for myself, and no difficulty doing things alone or on an individual level; it's instead things that require another person or other people being involved (being in a relationship, travelling on group trips, going out with friends, etc.). Some people like to blame it on my travelling lifestyle but even when I lived in one place with a steady job and friends who lived only a short bike ride away, I had these issues. One friend remarked earlier when I said I'm hurting his response was "why, she won't hook up with you?" I explained it's not about that, but instead it's that I love her. If all I was after was a quick fling, I wouldn't have to fly to Adelaide for that as there's plenty of that in Queenstown. With Anikka, I feel something very special.
It's important to note that even if it sounds like I'm being a whinge, I like to write about the difficult times as well as the good times when I travel because it's not all glitz and glamour. Over the years I've endured many trials and tribulations on the road, with a hurt heart, being pickpocketed, sleeping on the side of the road, getting food poisoning, and living in backpacker hostels, just to name a few. With success comes failure, and this could be another story where, in retrospect, something comes great out of it.
Over the evening, things righted their course as Miss Double-K would work her magic and give me the royal treatment for my birthday. Anikka had me understand that just because we have an emotional talk doesn't mean I'll lose her friendship. She's very sincere and I love her for that. Anikka isn't my girlfriend, but she's certainly the dearest lady in my life. We got Thai food for takeaway tonight instead of going out so Anikka could make me a birthday cake. Whilst that was in the oven, she gave me a massage. Her sense of touch sends all kinds of positive energy through me, and after enduring the long, hard winter of New Zealand, a massage by Anikka is the perfect stress reliever. Afterward she gave me a coffee body scrub. As a culmination to the evening, I had the best German chocolate cake I've ever had! Anikka and family would then sing for me. I'm 33 tonight but I definitely don't feel it. I feel 20 with a youthful spirit and a great smile. A few glasses of wine and some late-night chatter would mean it'd be nothing but good times this evening.
With my heart feeling warm, I'm so glad I came to Adelaide for my birthday. After tonight, my heart is certainly feeling better. Anikka, you made sure my birthday was special. I love you!
