I've had a shift in it, my paradiem that is. I thought I had a solid Grandmother to Grandchild relationship going on, an unbreakable direct link that went straight from my heart to theirs. It was a link I could feel. A link that kept me from being away from them for too long. A link that would have seen me lay down my life for them if it were asked. But my view ended up not being reality. I discovered my grandies are not actually my grandchildren, they are their mother's children. I am of no importance when she has an axe to grind.
I am trying to get over it but I have this huge sense of loss, I feel the need to just go away, become a hermit somewhere. I have seen my grandies since the occasion, I arrived when they were asleep and went straight into their room to gaze at them adoringly but couldn't raise the emotion. Now I know I still adore them but I also know I now have a wall. Too many times hurt in the past not to have that same subconscious protection reoccur. I mourn my addiction to them, I loved the closeness I felt, I don't think I have ever been that 'special' to anyone before not even my own children. I thought being a grandmother was finally something I could get right, I have sacrificed to fulfil that role to the best of my ability. Yet I was the one punished yet again.
Will things ever be the same again?
