I found a lump... No point in couching it in some other thoughts, at the moment it is THE thought. It's a shock I have to say, but I feel okay about it, my intuition says not to worry and it has always been right in the past. I feel a comforting sureness that the cancer is all gone. The lump is under the scarring very close to where the plastic surgeon would have joined the circulation for my new breast. - Be practical, write the practical things because this is just another moment in your journey, just another bump in the road, you can't stop the journey so no point in railing against it (as you have in the past) accept and enjoy the good. -
Funny though the things your mind does, the options of the future come and go in my mind. I have no desire to give up this life but do realise that I get the easy side of things if it all goes pear shaped. If I end, I end, but for others they have to live without me. That sounds a bit pompous now that I write it, but it's true. Life will go on without hitch for well mostly everyone I know and love although I would hope to be missed, but I do worry that it would be extremely hard on Kent and really he has had enough extremely hard in his life already really. You see, that is the limit to what goes through my mind, because I'm a practical person, but don't worry I am not going about with my jaw on the ground, moping, and crying in fact quite the opposite. As I said I'm sure it is just a glitch, the sun is high in the sky and it's only 7am summer is coming and I will continue to write this blog for many years yet.
I hadn't gone to the Doctor since mine decided to retire about 2 years ago but I went just after the reconstruction surgery. I was thinking, why break a run, but had to go on some other account. Obviously I was right and it's only because I broke my Doctor-free period that this lump has appeared :) So the Dr scheduled me in for an ultrasound on Monday.
Fortuitously I happened to read the newspaper the other day and saw that Dr Gawler is having a days workshop here in Rotorua. I have one of his books and at the beginning of this cancer journey Kent and I were seriously considering going over to his centre in Australia. I immediately cancelled all plans and rang and booked in. I would have been gutted to miss him, it was a really good day of useful information and I will now get back on the healthy road that I have been meandering off.
Monday was a funny day, I emailed a friend about something we had already discussed then remembered we'd already discussed it and emailed her back to say that but in the meantime she had emailed me to say we had already discussed it and so I lept into the slightly insane catagory iin her mind I'm sure. I went to work but found I couldn't concentrate very well so left early, drove into town past a business that I had a bill at so went in to pay it, got half way down the hallway and had a sense of deja vu, oh yes, that's right, I paid it last week... Hmmm, must be a bit more worried than I thought, I took myself off to the library, such a lovely spot, to chill while waiting for my appointment.
So the mammogram was had and the lump viewed and measured, both the specialist who 'read' the scans and I feel it is most likely to be scar tissue from the surgery but I will now be referred to my original mastectomy surgeon for discussion of whether or not to do a biopsy to make sure. So future decisions to be made but not now. Meditation, art and healthy food beckon :)
