Contention in relationships come, it seems to me, mostly in the circumstance when one party wants the other to behave in a certain way and the other refuses. Funny really, at the beginning of a relationship, that exciting, fun, intense, emotional time that we think is the guide to how life will continue, we are the most adaptive to the foibles of the other. We bend over backwards to make that person happy, to bring a smile to their lips. We forgive easily and laugh a lot, affection is rife.
When does this change? At what point do we forget? Do we even notice the slide... Stress is a big part of what dulls the joy. Normal every day life that intrudes and fills our hours, our minds. We forget to relax. We forget to enhance the good things around us, forget to be grateful for them and begin to long for the things we don't have, feel we need, want.
Is it any wonder relationships fall apart. Teamwork becomes hard work and if we aren't careful becomes war, with walls and strategies, weapons and mines.
That is not to say that every relationship is doomed, far from it. But it takes a certain attitude, an acceptance of one another, a willingness to put the other first and most important the art of compromise, where both win.
I'm not writing this because Kent and I are failing in some way but rather the opposite. Almost to my surprise we have a great relationship most of the time. Nether of us expect perfection, luckily as we're never going to get it. I look at how Kent was when we met and I see how much he has grown and changed, I look at myself and see that even more. We want each other to be happy and I think we realise that to be happy ourselves we need to lift each other. We have some bad times of course, we say sharp words and stomp and flail about now and then but we don't take those times to heart and we let a little time pass and get back to ourselves again.
When we backpacked the Americas together it was often hard. I was the organiser and the leader. I put myself in this role and it was a burden I suffered for the good of making things go smoothly and right. What bollocks! Looking back I realise I should have let life carry us along a little more without my need for control. I moaned about making all the decisions but underneath I wanted to make them. I felt I was the best judge of where and how we should travel but felt weighed down with the responsibility of it all. In retrospect I realise the journey could have been so much more balanced if I had been prepared to relax.
Living in the VW station wagon (estate) and travelling Great Britain and Europe for six months was our real make or break time. And believe me I thought that when we got back to NZ after that we would be going our own ways. We mostly got on really well, but when things exploded they were a pyrotechnics delight. Imagine two people not only constantly in each others company but in a space the size of an ensuite but without the luxury of running water. We never had time off from one another.
It taught me a few things about myself, as a young mother I used to want to learn how to be patient and it certainly helped me there. So we returned to NZ and surprisingly stayed together possibly because it was the easiest thing to do but maybe because we had finally learned how to be together. The cancer took off the last of the really rough edges.
I still don't like the tone of voice I use to Kent sometimes, especially when I'm pissed off. And I don't like how he speaks to me sometimes also. I also notice that in others, how they speak to one another. We all often use opportunities to say negative things rather than positive. It takes great will to change this habit. Most of us are even unaware that we are doing it.
But it is really great to be with a couple who really enjoy one another isn't it? Who encourage each other and see the good points and talents, miniscule though they may be, in their partner. The ones who can laugh together and at one another because there is no malice. Those who are relaxed and accepting of each other and therefore of others that surround them. Those who feel positive about life. I'm casting about in my mind to think of a particular couple and no-one comes to mind, it's more that moments come to mind. Maybe that couple don't exist but those times exist with most couples.
So that's my goal, I know it isn't New Year but it's my resolution anyhow. To make those times exist more and more often with us. To be happy and laugh more and look on the bright side, summer is coming so that is bound to help. I've been on this kick for a while now and believe me it is a slow business. I am a really slow learner obviously but I'll keep trying.
