I found out about the North Pole 4 years ago, I didn’t realise people could travel and explore this region so I started to research this area. I know why not many people explored this area…it’s too bloody expensive. So I’ve been saving up ever since. Fortunately I found a way around the huge cost and managed to get on a last minute expedition with my usual wheeling and dealing. A lot of my friends here were telling me how silly it was for me who feels any cold even in the summer to go to one of the coldest regions on earth. Hey, I moan about it being cold and hot …all the time.
I flew to Helsinki first and met my lovely room mate. She was American and 61 years old but wasn’t old if you know what I mean. Again I was the youngest in the group.
The following morning we flew to Murmansk in Russia and headed our way to the atomic port as this was where all the nuclear ice breakers docked. We boarded the Yamal a fantastic, giant, red ice breaker with shark teeth painted on the front. It was very impressive and I got really excited. We met our expedition leaders and staff. Our leader was Laurie Dexter, he crossed the North Pole from Russia to Canada on skis and it took him 91 days and one of his team mates lost his nose from frost bite. I was very impressed, grossed out by the pictures but still impressed. Also on board we had that human polar bear guy, Lewis Gordon Pugh who was doing his North Pole challenge of swimming 1km in extremely freezing waters in the fastest time possibly. I was quite excited and was ready to cheer on Mr. Polar Bear until I found out what a complete twat he is and his entourage were no better, well except his mind coach. He was ok, very friendly and he actually talked to the little people like me. Lewis may be a fantastic swimmer and he’s doing all this for global warming awareness but he is so arrogant and smug and he only talks to the very rich people (future sponsors I assume) on board. I find it ironic that the man who is swimming the North Pole to raise awareness about the climate changes and the effects of global warming etc chose to do so by going to the North Pole using a nuclear ice breaker. Like I said a complete twat! Apart from him I met some wonderful people who have had some amazing adventures.
I also swam at the North Pole, it was called the Polar Plunge and it was optional but I had to do it. What you had to do is jump into the freezing waters while tied to a rope attached to the boat just in case they had to yank you back out if you started to drown or pass out I assume. My room mate went first and jumped in but cut her nose as the sheet of ice on the top had formed so quickly after they made a sort of swim hole. This swim hole was 2 kms deep as it came to my turn I started to get a little scared. Everyone was jumping in and I thought if I did that I would definitely have a heart attack and die. After they tied me by the waist with the rope, I stood on the top of the make shift steps thinking about how this was all going to end. Everyone was watching including Lewis Gordon Puke. So I had to be brave but I knew couldn’t jump in. I took one step at a time until my toes touched the water and got a little tingling feeling. And like a lady I slowly glided into the water, I didn’t even make one splash. I swam about a yard when the coldness of the water reached my brain and was screaming out to me get the hell out! It was a weird feeling as I felt like I was trying to get out with all my might but my limbs were not moving. I finally managed and just as I was getting out I realised that my head and hair was dry so I held my nose and sank deep into the water…a bit like being baptised. Once my head got wet I kind of panicked and yelled at the Russian guy to get me out fast. The whole thing seemed to last forever but only a minute went by from when I took my kit off to getting back out again and having a large shot of vodka shoved into my gob. Suddenly everything went warm…except my feet, they were freezing again I thought I may lose them but the vodka eventually reached my toes. Another lady and myself just had a complete laugh walking around in the snow in our swim wear feeling really warm.
We saw polar bears almost instantly. I was called eagle eye as I spotted all but one sighting. The only bad thing about this was everybody wanted me out front at the bow looking out for bears…even in the freezing cold. I found the ice impressive, they say it’s not very thick as in the Antarctic but to a polar virgin like me it was very impressive especially seeing it being pulverised by the ice breaker.
As well as loads of polar bears we saw ringed seals and minke whales apparently the stinkiest whales on the planet hence their nick name stinky minky.
The food on board was out of this world…I’m sure were consuming at least 2000 calories every sitting. We had 10 courses every meal time and they had buffets as well and they are my downfall. I love buffets! With all those calories to consume I needed to burn it all off but there was nothing active to do on board unless you were my 61 year old room mate who enjoyed a bit of nookie with a great Dane. The first time I caught them at it was around midnight on day 4. I sort of woke up and saw his bald head and once I cleared my eyes I realised he had taken all his clothes off and was about to get in to bed with her. I could hear them canoodling and was so shocked as I really did not want to witness or experience old age pensioner sex. Luckily she thought of me and told him to get lost. Thank god!!!! The Dane got drunk quite often and a lot of people complained about his behaviour, so did his room mate and by day 5 he had his own cabin.
I had the most wonderful time and met some characters. Basically I was in awe of everything I saw and heard. I learned so much and my to do list has got longer.
