I’ve just come back from Venezuela for my half term break. A good trip slightly similar to some of my other South American visits except that I ended up being the only person on the tour...which was great, tailor-made trip but without the extra costs. Straight onto day 1, where I flew on one of those tiny aeroplanes with like 10 seats to Venezuela’s archipelago Las Rochas. A collection of little islands with lovely beaches. From there I boarded a huge catamaran to set off for the day’s excursion. I say excursion but it was a party boat full of Italians and Spaniards and the odd South American getting pissed and lounging around in practically less than nothing in the sun. I didn’t expect to have a beach holiday so brought no swimming costume but I did pack my snoopy pyjama shorts set, kind of skimpy so it would do. I worried that what I had on I would wear to bed so felt a little self conscious. No worries there as my ship mates were practically in the buff. They really do like their thongs…even the guys. What a sight …picture sizzling frankfurters on a BBQ. There were bare bums everywhere, fat ones, pert ones, flat ones, humongous ones, spotty ones, lumpy ones and my favourite type – hairy ones. Mix that with a trashy euro soundtrack and Roxette’s greatest hits album and you get an idea of my first day in Venezuela. Fantastic!
The second day was very different and much more my style. This time I headed for south of the border, the Orinoco Delta to be exact. I flew in one of those little planes again and then had a little bus ride and then onto a motor boat for an hour through an amazing winding river. My guide was very informative and kept reminding me of how I was the only one on the trip and would be the only visitor in the lodge. He couldn’t believe it. I loved the lodge; it was in the middle of nowhere. From here we did some excursions. My first excursion was a trip to the lagoon to see the sunset. It was quite spectacular except for all the bugs and the fact that I had that stupid Enya song in my head the whole time. You know the one…”let me sail, let me sail to the Orinoco flow”. Then the boat got caught in the weeds and we had to stop and dislodge it from the propeller blades. It was dark so they needed the light on and this attracted all the bugs. I was worried about having my face eaten off by them. I already looked like the elephant woman as I had a bite on my right eye, two bites on my left cheek and 1 bite on my right ear. These bites weren’t little mosquito bites, these bites swelled up luckily not as much as it swelled up on my hand and arms or I would have just stayed in my room all day and refused to come out just in case I scared the locals. After getting unstuck we went of looking for Caymans. We saw a couple and caught one of them and had a little feel and then released it. The guys only caught the baby ones of course as the mummy sized ones would probably have bitten their hands off.
The next morning a couple of groups arrived plus 2 more guides at the lodge so I joined them kayaking and piranha fishing. While kayaking there was a pink dolphin which I missed but I saw the howler monkeys. Then we went fishing. I have never fished before let alone fish for piranhas with a stick and a bit of meat on the end of a hook. I came close twice but just as I pulled the line the piranha let go. I also came close to taking off the guides tackle too, I mean really close. As I tried to pull the line quite hard the hook came flying back and touched his private parts but didn’t hook on thank god. It’s a good thing I’m crap at fishing or a piranha wouldn’t be the only thing I caught. The last few days of the trip was pretty much just relaxing. A couple more plane rides and I ended up in another lodge which was far swankier than the last one. Again in the middle of nowhere but with far less mosquitoes and a fab room. I had a hammock in my room so I slept in it all the time, didn’t touch the beds except to jump on and off the hammock. Actually come to think of it, the only bad thing about the lodge is where the bar is situated. It’s right on top of a hill and my room was right at the bottom. So every time I wanted a drink I had a little hike up the hill which was such a pain. You guys know I hate any kind of exercise especially on holiday. But the views from the bar were great especially when the planes came to land as the lodge had its own runway. I say runway, it was just a bit of dirt road.
My last night at the lodge was a little peculiar as one of the guides came to my room to see if I was dead or alive. At this point I was the only one in the lodge again and after lunch I disappeared to my room never to be seen again. So at 8pm I heard him call my name so I guessed it was dinner time. I walked with the guide to the bar but on the way he became quite agitated obviously been drinking and started telling me a tragic story about his daughter. Oh my god I was so shocked and I didn’t know what to say. I hoped to god that he didn’t join me for dinner. I sat at my table and he went and sat somewhere else but I could hear him sobbing his heart out. So what do I do…I took out my book and read. The owner came out with my dinner and told me to ignore whatever the guides were getting up to. So I said no problem and carried on reading my book and having my meal. After the crying the guide picked up a stick and pretended it was a sword and started what I can only recognise as a scene from Kill Bill. This went on for about 10 minutes; he was also dressed in yellow which is why I thought of Kill Bill. After his little sword fight he came to the table and told me not to disappear like I normally do as he went to get a drink I assumed. So I ate really quickly, said goodnight and legged it back to my room before he came back to the table.
The next day which was my last day it seems that all was forgotten from the night before, which was fine by me. We flew for 7 minutes to Canaima to check out the waterfalls. On the way to the falls the guide babbled a list of films that were filmed there, Last of the Mohicans, Jurassic Park blah blah and then said 2 pornos from Sweden too. It was the funniest thing he said all trip. We took another boat to the falls and walked behind it. I got totally drenched but it was fun. We didn’t get to see Angel Falls on the plane as it was too cloudy and dangerous to fly there but for some reason I really wasn’t bothered.
As we all parted ways I couldn’t help but notice the guide rushing to get rid of me. I guess he was back home and was desperate to get back. He pointed out where I was checking in and where I had to pay the taxes and then said thanks for visiting his country and goodbye. He didn’t even give me a chance to give him his tip. He was off. So I had 2 hours to kill before checking in so I went shopping and spent the guides tip. It was a shame really as I really had a great time.
