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My super boring journal I would like some more pressed duck.

Hijacked

UNITED KINGDOM | Monday, 18 December 2006 | Views [2049] | Comments [20]

To the actual owner of Gentlesue’s Super Boring Journal.

Your Journal has been kidnapped!

If you want your journal back alive, I suggest you meet all of our demands. Firstly we demand 1,000,000 pounds. Bring this money in the skull of Justin Timberlake to a place of our choosing and we will return your journal intact. Except for this post.

Hi Everybody. Helen and Ebony are in da house!!!

We arrived relatively unscathed to our destination. England is nice. But cold. Coming off the plane it felt like freezer. But all in all it’s nice. We had to catch a bus from the airport to Southampton, and then catch a ferry to the Isle of Wight. When we got all our stuff from the airport we got to walk out of that bit where all the people are waiting for their loved ones, like on that airport show. That was pretty cool. We’ve only been here for about a day so we haven’t done too much. We went to the pub for dinner. It was good. Ebony had a pint of coke. Eat your heart out Hans! Cowes is really cool, it’s all packed together and very English and it’s near the sea.

Ebony don’t like flying. There’s too much stuff to remember and flights go for a long time. It was fun when the plane rocked a bit. It was like she was on a train.

Some bad stuff happened at Perth Airport. First our luggage was 18kilos over weight. The nice lady would let us off with 10 kilos but we had to shed 8. We lost and repositioned our some of our luggage and Ebony’s toothpaste laid down its life for the good of the mission and then we were good.

The next kerfuffle occurred when Ebony went to buy a neck pillow (which was awesome) and she got out her wallet and her credit card wasn’t there. Even though she knew she packed it she convinced herself she had left it at home and Helen would strangle her and she would have to live on the streets of London and dance for money. Then she reached into her bag and pulled out her card. She was only slightly relieved.

On the plane from Perth to Brunei they gave us breakfast.

Brunei was like the butterfly enclosure at the zoo. It was super humid. If you were to ask anyone who lived in Brunei where the greatest place to live was they’d say Brunei. They’ve got a point. They don’t pay any taxes, no doctors fees, no schools fees, can get $1000s off cars and pay about 50c for petrol AND can adore the great and powerful, and who can fly any type of plane anywhere, King.

The Sultan of Brunei has about 4 palaces and several tonnes of gold.

My favourite thing about Brunei was the break dancers. Helen and Ebony went on a 3 hour tour of Brunei and the bus stopped in front of a group of boys having a dance-off. Each off them was taking turns showing off their break dancing skills. When they saw that a bus load of people were watching them they did some backflips for us. It was awesome.

Part of the tour was going to a museum. We can’t remember what it was called but we’ve renamed it the “Yay Oil” Museum. The visit taught us that Oil is the cleanest and sexiest of all energy sources. Brunei is very rich in oil and is where they get their money for all the gold. The museum had models of oil rigs and bits of core drillings and a map of all the oil rigs in Brunei. It was very boring. Everything else in the museum was confusing.

After that we went to what I thought was a mosque but was kind of a “Yay The King” Museum. But we got to take our shoes off. We were shown all the Sultans of Brunei and all the palaces they built and the gold thrones and the gold tiger skin couches and even a gold chariot-thing requiring about 50 men to pull it and another 50 to march in front of it, while the King sits in his throne… playing polo… with Prince Charles. We were running pretty late so we didn’t get to spend much time at the biggest and most golden palace in Brunei. Ebony stole a rock from the fountain. The King could have looked at that rock. Then we went back to the airport to wait for our next flight

On the flight from Brunei to Dubai we got dinner.

Of the whole of the planes the best flight attendants we got were on this flight. They just wanted us to eat and eat and drink and drink. They were cool.  The attendants on the next flight found it too much trouble to get Helen her constant thimbles of water – she left her water bottle in the lounge, which probably caused the airport to be shut down and fenced off while they determined if her manky water bottle was a bomb or not. 

We didn’t sleep much, we tried to sleep for 2 hours in a day room in Brunei but a very irritating voice kept coming on over the PA reminding us to keep an eye on our belongings which made us want to hurt someone. We got to England with only 5 hours of sleep over 3 days – pretty impressive.

We gave Sue her calendar which she loved beyond all measure and shall be revered for the rest of time and shoved in the face of all she meets.

Interestingly, one of Sue’s friends, who has witnessed the calendar commented that Tim looks just like Justin Timberlake – in light of this we have laxed our demands and the skull can be from any member of N*sync.

Well… unlike the regular super boring journal, this one at least lives up to it’s name.

Tags: Scams & Robberies

Comments

1

im just a local pimp of the out of town vilage green. but im sorry to imform ye that i only got the skull of gary balow and of course me 'ur friendly neighbourhood pimp'. i can also beat box ye fellow no pimpy pimp. wana hear sucka? hear ye (me a real friendly pimp) go (try to beat box) a-boom-boom-ch boom-boom-ch boom-boom-ch bang-bing-boom-ching-bing (i don't like green eggs and ham or beef i forget). T.V. Week scandal hostage shoot out toadie killed? me a pimp dont think he (toadie)will die. do u have a mouse i dont i just thought i would ask for joe u know joe everyone knows joe i dont know joe. are we talking about sandals or sandwiches. brooks final choice RIDGE or NICK? i dont even know what it is about but im excited to find out press 2 on your telephone keypad now. no respone was found so me a pimp will assume that you have chosen no so i got to go yo. i love ya,i love ya,i love ya. but seriously multi-ball multi-ball!!! MULTI-BALL!!!. c ya bye

  detox man in a band Dec 18, 2006 1:08 AM

2

please don't consume this gatorade

  biff McGriff Dec 18, 2006 6:06 PM

3

I have been many days without food, water or feeling the delecate touch of sunlight on my skin. According to my captors the only way I'll be released and my journal returned to me is if the comments for their entry are wittier and more bountiful than my own. You have started well but it is not enough... and they are so cruel...

  gentlesue Dec 20, 2006 7:53 PM

4

Susan. Our thoughts, prayers and house keys are with you at this time, which makes locking the door difficult. Make sure your captors give you plenty of stale water and dry crusts, if they try and give you wine and gourmet meats, presume it is poisoned. But the greatest cruelty they have perpetrated is that they have tied you up facing AWAY from your calendar on the wall- OH THOSE ANIMALS! Perhaps they could at least tiop you on to ther floor so you could glimpse it out of the corner of your eye. It would bring hope. I am SURE everything will work out for the best- perhaps you will contract Stockholm Syndrome, and sympathise with your captors and their cause. That would be a bit of fun. You might even end up going on a European tour with them. Reading about Patty Hearst, apparentally she is in an episode of 'Veronica Mars'! Way to bounce back.
In other news, I never thought that this day would come, but I knew this day would come. Tim IS Justin Timberlake. Have you EVER seen them in the same room together? Have you? Ask yourself. Oh, the years of helping him practise dance routines, and making me fake his autograph onto head-shot photos (which I had to do recently to get a Planet Video membership card, and it was quite convincing). AND putting up with Lance Bass incessantly talking about instellar space travel. It has put a lot of strain on my television watching and hopes of becoming a crossover international megastar. So now you know, the secrets out. You can tell him for me that once he's finished bringing sexy back, that there's a pile of dishes that need washing.
Ebony had a pint of coke? That woiuld have taken ages to snort. (Sorry- obvious but irresistable) Who is Hans? And I am still trying to reconcile how Ebony's
toothbrush weighed eight kilos? What was it, a jackhammer?
Helen, PLEASE steal Ebony's credit card, and then strangle her, and make her live on the street and DANCE for a living. Just for a day. I can see it now. Ebony, make sure you work in some Locomotion and Hokey Pokey. We could have the judges from 'So You Think You Can Dance' make disparaging comments and sneer "Don't give up your day job, sister."
Well, enough from me- apologies about lateness of comment, but we don't have the computer at East Perth yet, and now that I am a city deweller, I only frequent Gosnells when I have to sneer at peasants.
Biff McGriff makes some interesting points.

  Simon J Dec 21, 2006 1:47 PM

5

AND speaking of which and speaking of witch, how come Helen and Ebony aren't helping you in your crusade against captors? They fly all the way across the Nullabor to see you, the least they can do is untie your hands and squirt your face with wine vinegar. What are they doing, just sitting around in the loungeroom sipping Martinis, helping the terrorists pack pipe bombs? Honestly, you should get them to untie you so you can dong their heads together, and then kick some hijacker butt.
But what do I know? Just thinking aloud.

  Simon J Dec 21, 2006 1:55 PM

6

Simon, I called your Gosnells house and it rang.

And rang.

And... rang.

Now I hear you are in East Perth. I feel betrayed. Give me new contact details.

  Ezra Dec 22, 2006 9:36 AM

7

give me your skype name simon.

  daniel Dec 22, 2006 11:51 AM

8

Dear Susan, Helen and Ebony,
I hope you enjoy your Christmas in England, and that Susan gets released in time to celebrate it. Hope you don't have to live on the streets. Don't get too cold. It hasn't exactly felt like the height of summer here, either, over the past few days.
Love Janet

  Janet Dec 22, 2006 8:22 PM

9

Dear Susan, I hope your captors take pity on you & let you go free, cause I'm afraid I'm not witty enough to help your cause. Lucky Simon's here to up the silliness factor. Shane Warne has quit cricket & they are saying everyone in the whole of Australia is sad, well I'm not & I'm in Australia (I never loved him & if I ever got a sms from him, i'd chuck my phone in the river)! Sorry, needed to rant a bit. Hope you get out soon.

  Meli Dec 23, 2006 1:19 AM

10

I'm dreaming of a Wight Christmas... Merry Christmas Helen, Sue and Ebony! Hope you have all been good girls this year, cause Santa knows. He knows ALL. EVEN when you are sleeping. Which is kinda freaky-deeky.

  Simon J Dec 24, 2006 2:41 PM

11

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good Wight!
That joke doesn't always work.

Everyone have a brilliant Christmas and be sure to continue sending your N*sync skulls because contrary to popular belief she is still in captivity. We might give some food on Christmas though, special occasion and all.

Have a very, very, very Merry Christmas everyone!!

  Sue's kidnappers Dec 24, 2006 8:10 PM

12

Hi Susan

It is Christmas Day! May my festive greetings soothe your rope burn and hungry stomache.

I am on holidays from now for three weeks! Awesome! It will be the usual mix of big plans but little time (and motivation). We are living it up in East Perth for the next couple of weeks, havent really had time to explore the surrounds so far, the river not too far away, and Planet Video/ Mt Lawley the other side of the tracks.

The house is old and a bit delapidated, we do get visits from the local wildlife a bit more than we like, but I quite like the casual vibe.

We were curious if Ebony and Helen encountered any snakes? On a plane? Cause they have already seen the instructional documentary in case of such emergencies.

Also, importantly, THINGS YOU LEARN WHILE READING CAR MAGAZINES DURING LUNCHTIME AT WORK.

# Andre Citroen promoted his car factory (on the banks of the Seine) as 'the most beautiful factory in Europe", held a party there for Charles Linderbergh after his Atlantic crossing and had his name up in 125,000 lights for seven years on the Eiffel Tower.

# Ford started car product placement in 1912 by putting the Keystone Cops in Model T Fords. ALSO, reportedly, Samsung paid (UK)60 million to sell you its mobile phones SUBLIMINALLY while watching The Matrix Reloaded.

# In the fickle world of advertising, Volkswagen has stuck with the same ad agency for nearly 50 years!
Also, the Beastie Boys started the mid-80s craze of badging VW car logos to be worn as medallions. It did their parts sales no harm.

# Mercedes Benz has featured in more song lyrics than any other car - 48 at last count, ranging from Janis Joplin to Nelly

# In 1955, Chrysler decided to produce a car for the ladies, the Dodge LaFemme, complete with pink paint and trim, matching purse, raincoat and lipstick. It was a disaster, selling 1000 before being pulled.

So Senorita, I hope you can feel My Love. Please dont Cry Me a River because Melissa will throw her phone into it. But if you get upset, I suggest you sit in a chair and Rock Your Body. Like I Love You, I am Lovin It being on holidays, taking it easy and scratching my Sexy Back.

  justin TIMberlake Dec 25, 2006 5:08 PM

13

Hello Dear Susan,

I am just perusing the Net on Christmas Day, as I am a lonely old woman and have no one. I stumbled across your delightful little web-site, and I must say I did chuckle at the merry goings on that you and your chums appear to be getting into.
I was a bit concerned about your welfare at the hands of these terrible captors, and am therefore donating one pound towards your release. I will send it to you in an envelope.
I will attempt to seduce an N*SYNC member for you in order to obtain their skull.

Yours faithfully,
Bea

  Bea Arthur Dec 25, 2006 8:53 PM

14

Pleasant Boxing Day to all.

Sue, you got personalised porn spam!!! The Bea Arthur signature contains a link to porn. Congratulations.

Your web site is worthy.

Or perhaps it is the influence of the underworld type characters that have kidnapped you and your site.

Anyway, I hope they untied you long enough to open your presents. And perhaps there was a file in your Christmas pudding. Beats a nasty tasting penny I say. I sent you a present, but the Royal Mail is infamous. It might have got eaten somewhere between when I bought it and when I meant to post it. Royal Mail are terrible.


  Ezra Dec 26, 2006 10:15 AM

15

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Susan you have to help me, I was left home alone & now burgulars have broken in! I've set up a series of elaborate traps for the burgulars to stumble into, but I need you to call the police. Thats why I am donating all the money left in my trust fund, so you can go free. So the money left totals 3 pounds & 50 pence, I hope this helps, cause I'm running out of crazy complicated schemes.

  Macaulay Culkin Dec 27, 2006 1:16 AM

16

Hey Susan, how it all hanging for you my dear. Happened to come across your sublime little journal while browsing this interestingnet web, and my the kerfuffles* you get yourself into.

*You shall note my use of the word kerfuffle. He he.

I dont get the joke myself, but a few of my interns use the word and then giggle amongst themselves.

I will actually be hanging up my boots as head of the UN at the end of this year, in a coupla of days actually. I'm in holidays mode already really, Im mainly hanging around my office in my underwear, eating Twisties. I set up a pretty good drum kit at my desk using a few empty milo tins and some coat hangers.

As my last order of business, I will get the UN to kick in a few pounds for your kidnappers. Hope it all works out for you.

Kofi Annan

  Kofi Annan Dec 27, 2006 1:39 AM

17

Yees, helloh Mees Sue-zanne. I am annoying Mexican stereotype mouse Speedy Gonzales, and am fastest little mouse in the whole of Me-hick-o.
My good el-friendo, Bea Arthur, let me know about your poor el-predicamento, and so I am sending you a couple of emillion pesos, which should equal about twenty-five pou-ounds. Hopefully, you can evade these nifty captatos- I always find that running really fasto always works for me.
Bounous dios, Speedy.

  Speedy Gonzales Dec 27, 2006 1:56 AM

18

As Bea Arthur's Official Lawyer, I would like to clarify that Ms Bea (Arthur to her friends) did not intend to send any such person to a site full of aforementioned 'hot chicks'.
She is sincerely sorry for any misleading of any persons, and will send out a free DVD of 'Gold' Golden Girls episodes to anyone feeling upset.

Thankyou,
Hank Worthington,
Bea Arthur's Official Lawyer.

  Bea Arthur's Lawyer Firm and Associates Dec 27, 2006 2:10 AM

19

Sue- I was gonna donate two hundred pounds to your rescue, but with all these celebrity friends of your taking up the cause, I think I will buy a yacht instead.

In other news, there is no other news.

Completely unrelated but a GREAT story- a guy I know, Ben, got engaged on Christmas Eve. They went to her mum and dads to tell them the news, who happened to be outside around the pool. The dad gets all excited, cracks open the champagne, gets the whole family around, and proceeds to make a stirring speech. All the while, only wearing a pair of Speedos.
Ben had to try and focus on looking the man in the eyes.

Keep having fun. Being in prison.

  Simon J Dec 29, 2006 3:40 PM

20

Susan,

I have heard much of your distressing situation in captivity. As a Two-Time All Star Major League Baseball player, I know how you must feel. I have had a fair share of distressing times myself.
There was the time when I had to hit the ball. And I missed.
There was the time when I changed teams, and my pay went down to only $8,000,000.
AND there was also the time when they took 'Married With Children' off the air. That made me sad.
I can sincerely say that I would like to assist you in your situation, by donating 250 pounds towards your release. I know that you would help me when I am in a distressing situation.

  Shawn David Green Dec 31, 2006 8:59 PM

 

 

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