In this movie, Susan Sarandon’s character (Beverly Clark) says to her private
investigator, “Why is it do you think -
people get married…because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the
planet. What does any one life
really mean? In a marriage, you’re
promising to care about everything – good, bad, terrible, mundane things, all
of it, all the time, every day!
Your saying…your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice
it. Your life will not go
unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”
Who dances with you?
What kind of dances do you do?
My parents, grandparents, and later my husband’s parents were all key
dancers in our lives! And they
cared about our children more than anyone. What a gift - to pick up a phone, push a few numbers & be connected to
a friendly voice who asks, “Hey, how are the kids? What are they doing in school? Are they over the flu?
They would ask about our lives too. Later, when our kids had gone away to college…or another
country, they would inquire, “What do you hear from the girls? How do they like their work?” We’ve had the kind of parents that took
a GREAT deal of interest in life.
In our dance, we witnessed each other’s lives. We had not always fully appreciated this...but one-by-one,
these parental witnesses are almost gone and we look back.
Witnessing – even from pets, is comforting. It can often happen in
small ways as you notice the grocery cashier & offer a compliment or thank
the street cleaner for doing such a great job.
But the kind of witnessing I am
thinking of, is not only a comfort, it’s supportive. It’s the kind that offers suggestions - maybe advice; it’s a
physical presence – like muscles for help in moving, or just a receptive,
non-judgmental listening ear. I
know that listening is more difficult than speaking. But our parents excelled! They listened to a lot of our crazy ideas without judgment
--- like plans for taking off to Europe (for months…) after buying a farm ---
like hearing we were moving 3,000 miles with a 4-mo old, to a place where we
had no jobs --- like listening to my idea of “ Lets take both garage doors out
& install sliding glass doors for a BIG playroom!” My father not only listened, but also made
my dream come true! He did an
awesome job!
Extended family, long-time friends & children also play
this witnessing role. They’ve listened
to our wild plans of where we wanted to live & been patient with us when we
changed our minds! Our daughters do
that for each other too. They take
the time & spend the energy to be together in different cultures & work
situations, sharing tips & commiserating on how best to cope. As teachers, they have been witnesses
to hundreds of student’s lives, & many of these students have been
witnesses to their lives as well!
In meeting many of these students, I am amazed to see such joy, smiles,
jokes, stories, & challenging truth.
This is the gift - the most important thing about witnessing - honest
feedback!
The honest reactions & comments we get from our
daughters are GREAT! I LOVE
them! Usually, they are soooo
right! Their observations show they
care and have the courage & wisdom to tell us! It can be an unexpected gift…that often makes us laugh…or
smile at their insight.
We have loved the witnessing role of being parents. In addition to our own daughters, we
have enjoyed sharing in the lives of three energetic, fun, challenging exchange
students – from Spain, Germany & Sweden. Although ‘hosting’ was a bit of work J (helping them with
English & learning American culture), they brought fresh energy! We shared with their families, went on road
trips, played card games (without knowing their language), & enjoyed
tasting their favorite foods! We
even learned how to swear in three languages!
With both daughters living & working abroad, we have
been introduced to other young people that needed a little boost (or
witnessing) in getting through school – either because of cultural or financial
issues. We have been
connected to SEED – Support,
Educate, & Encourage Dalits (http://www.ashanet.org/projects/project-view.php?p=422)
since 1999. After our daughter
spent a college term in southern India, we became partners with three girls in
an after-school program that help underprivileged kids. This program encourages children to
succeed and stay in school - beyond the years when many girls typically get
married (14-15 years old).
We have watched our 3 Indian ‘daughters’ grow into educated, productive,
young women. They have finished
high school, college, have jobs, and also regularly return to SEED to tutor the
younger ones. They have been role
models for us in their strength and generosity.
As benefactors of having had honest support in our lives, we
are challenged to find ways to do it for others. I recently joined Women
for Women (http://www.womenforwomen.org/index.php)
to support my new sister, Susane, in the Democratic Republic of Congo. This organization allows me to be a
distant witness to her life as she goes through this year of education &
meetings where she learns new ways to support herself & large family. Also, my oldest daughter is a big
proponent of International Women’s Day (March 8th, her birthday). This year there is an opportunity to
participate in a ‘bridge’ campaign to provide support to women facing
crises. It is another opportunity
to be a witness. (http://www.womenforwomen.org/events-supporting-women/international-womens-day.php)
There are so many opportunities, to make a difference – to being
a positive witness in another person’s life.
“It does take a village…” It’s important to have caring, honest people witnessing our
lives. I knew when our kids were
little that the more contact they had with other ideas, cultures, and
families…the more opportunities they had for this kind of support. As we engage in this dance of life, we
all need to feel that our lives will not go unnoticed.
Who are YOU dancing with?
