At
10:00am Saturday morning, July 21st our bus arrived to our hotel in Miami
Beach, collected our belongings & made the drive 4.5hours north to Orlando.
We made one stop along the journey to refuel & have lunch. We took this
once-off opportunity to embellish on the world famous, trademark cuisine that
America is best known for: McDonalds. Cheeseburgers, a bucket of Spicy Chicken
Bites & a Sprite- so large you could drown a small child in it. All for a
fraction of what it costs in Australia. With 'Maccas Remorse' heavily set in,
feeling quite unwell we took our minds off our stomachs by watching a couple of
movies. Hugo & The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus. Highly recommend both
of them, particularly The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Heath Ledger's final
film. The shuttle dropped us to our next destination; Hilton Grand Vacation at
around 3pm. Magnificent hotel, huge rooms with kitchenette, ensuite, balcony
& above all else, BBQs on the hotel grounds. We spent 7 days in Orlando
& with all these facilities at our disposal, decided to walk across the
road to a grocery store & stock our fridge with fruit, vegetables, cheeses,
chocolate, bread, steaks/lamb/kebabs/chicken breasts/ribs/sausages & beer. I
also forgot to mention the room came with a coffee percolator! Most excellent.
We made sure to buy some A-grade ground coffee, sugar & creamer so each
morning we could wake up to decent coffee. Throughout that week, for dinner
each night we had a BBQ & salad, drank beer by the bottle, had home brewed
coffee & bruschetta every morning & thus doing so, saved ourselves at
least $600 that week. It was pretty funny though, walking the kilometer back to
our hotel with a week's worth of shopping bags & a case of beer in our arms.
We'd purchased a small cooler bag in Miami a few days prior, so we'd stock it
full of beers, load it with ice & sneak it down to the pool area so we
didn't blow too much cash at the bar. That first night we trekked throughout
the hotel grounds, took a swim in both the pools then cooked ourselves Steak
& Salad. Our first real BBQ in such a long time. It was divine.
Sunday
we decided to take it easy. We did a load of washing when we first got up then
wandered next door to Premium Outlets Shopping Plaza & visited an array of
clothing stores & factory outlets. We returned to the hotel an hour later
with a new pair of Converse shoes each, jackets, singlets & shirts. It was
filthy hot by this stage so we went poolside to cool down & remained there
until a freak storm passed overhead kindly providing an onslaught of
lightening, rain & gale force winds, so we returned to our hotel for a
balcony party. On the way up I grabbed the ice bucket, filled it with ice &
we cracked a bottle of Maynard's wine that we'd purchased at Caduceus Cellars
in Jerome. We drank the white "Anna Goat" from Merkin Vineyards, with
some Camembert, Cheddar & Artichoke dip. We really do know how to make the
most out of a bad situation. Lamb chops & salad for dinner that night &
early to bed. The week ahead was set to be massive.
Monday
we rose bright & early, boarded a shuttle that took us out to Walt Disney's
Magic Kingdom. Well actually, it dropped us at a central theme park named Epcot
& from there we had to take a monorail to reach Magic Kingdom. 1.5 hours
the journey took from our hotel to the theme park entrance. Kinda shit really.
It's quite ridiculous how big this place is. There's probably 11 different
parks in total, taking into account 2 Seaworlds, Wet n Wild, 2 Universal Studios
& the many worlds of Walt Disney. They're all pretty much situated nearby
one another but due to their astronomical size, take around a minimum of a 15
minute drive between them. As you could imagine transit in relation to ANY of
these theme parks is an absolute nightmare. 75,000 people visit Magic Kingdom
every day & that's one of the smaller parks. The average waiting time in
line on most of the rides is anywhere between 30 & 90 minutes, most being
around the 60 minute mark. Absurd. All the other (non-Disney) parks have these
ticket upgrades you can purchase called "Express-passes" which for
around $30 - $60 extra each, your enabled to jump the queue on all major rides
& when I say jump the queue, you enter through the exit ramp, get ushered
to the front of the line & get the next seat on the first ride. You'd be
completely insane not to buy these. To hell with the cost, 90 minutes in line..
No way. Unfortunately though, no Disney parks have these. They do however, have
a thing called 'fast pass' whereby you scan your regular ticket on one ride of
your choice. It gives you a receipt & time frame for when to return. When
you return you access that ride through a VIP line. The major buzz kill
however, is you can only have one active fast pass at any given time which
means until you've returned & used your pass up you can't queue jump
anywhere else. Magic Kingdom was great fun. Colorful, vibrant & everything
you could imagine inside the twisted
world of Disney. The only downer of the day was the very threatening
storm cloud that loomed overhead from around lunchtime onward. Momentarily it
would sprinkle but nothing severe. It was serious enough however, to cancel the
regular Disney parade in replacement for the 'rainy day parade'. It sucked a
bag of doorknobs. We got in a few rides, Jacy got to meet Winnie The Turd &
Tigger & I got to eat a Corn Dog & a Choc Dipped Frozen Banana. Not
long after that though, the sky opened up & the storm hit in epic force. We
found shelter & hung out for a while in wait of it's passing, but it
didn't. It was around 5:30pm by this stage & we'd grown weary, so we braved
the rain & exited toward home. We caught a ferry back to Epcot then a cab
home from there. We cooked sausages & kebabs with salad that night &
retired at a reasonable hour.
Tuesday
was set for Universal Studios. With weather uncertainty we thought that rather
than waste a day at a water park beneath a rainstorm, we'd head to Universal
where a large portion of the park is not impacted by miserable weather. Like
yesterday, we rode a shuttle out to the park & managed to get dropped at
the entrance this time. We arrived early & fought the eager masses into the
park, purchasing our Express Passes on the way. The one ride that wasn't
included with the Express passes was the one ride that EVERYBODY wants to go
on, so being sensible, we went on that one first before it got ridiculous.
'Harry Potter & The Forbidden Journey'. We waited in line for close to an
hour and a half, rubbing shoulders with primitive, hairy-backed Europeans who
pong'd ungodly of b.o. but after concluding the ride, decided that it was all
worth while. It's their newest & most sought-after attraction & for
very good reason...it rocks. It's like an intense simulation slash roller
coaster unlike any other that we'd ridden. The remainder of the day we went
about the park participating in every ride on our passes. We stopped for lunch
at the 3 Broomsticks in Harry Potter world & shared chicken, ribs &
butter beer. After riding the coasters & rapids, nearly getting thrown out
for photographing the Dinosaurs on the Jurassic Park ride, eating a Jumbo
Turkey Leg & gift shopping we called it quits & exited to the Bob
Marley restaurant located at the Universal City Walk. We ordered buffalo wings
& cocktails & watched all Bob's family performing a tribute to him in
NYC '09 on a rare DVD before shuttling home. We hung around the pool for a
while that night, met up with a couple of Aussies & chatted long into the
evening before cooking ourselves chicken Caesar salad on the BBQ.
Wednesday
belonged to Seaworld. Same shuttle shuffle shenanigans out the front at 9am to
reach the park by 9:40, express passes & a run of other fun expeditions
like; petting zoos, a 3D omni turtle presentation before catching the Shamu
Killer Whale show, the Dolphin Show & the Sea-lion/Otter/Walrus show. All
of which brought about mixed feelings of force-training animals & the
confines of their inadequately sized environment/s. Personally, we're a lot
more entertained by seeing animals in their natural habitat. We're big David
Attenborough fans & just generally have a thorough appreciation of animals
in the wild, uninfluenced by human beings. Like an honest husband should,
moments before the show was about to begin at the Shamu Orca Spectacle, I showed
Jacy the article & footage of how almost a year ago to the day, an Orca had
drowned their most experienced trainer in the Seaworld pool we were sitting in
front of, thus strengthening our argument that regardless of how intensely you
train a wild animal, they'll always be instinctual killers. Especially Killer
Whales, why do you think they're called that? We had an over-priced,
unimpressive lunch at a Restaurant named "Sharks" where our backdrop
was the aquarium, then rode all the remaining thrill-rides within Seaworld a
couple of times over, before departing for home. Another BBQ of sausages &
kebabs for dinner & a very welcomed slumber.
Thursday
we visited our first water park, Disney's "Typhoon Lagoon." We'd
prebooked our shuttle the night previous (as we'd done all week). The morning
of, we were running a little late.. technically not, but we're always the keen
beans 10 minutes early. We arrived down to reception at 8:29am EXACT & were
furious to discover the driver had already left. Our response was: "Well,
we're not actually late yet. It's not even 8:30 until.....nnnnnnnnnnow. And
he's already left? Wtf bro?!" Realizing their incompetence, they
immediately placed us on the next shuttle which was 10:30am. We returned in a
huff to our hotel, collected all of our game tokens that we'd purchased on our
first night, poured ourselves a glass each of Mississippi Mud then went &
played Air Hockey, Terminator, Road Rash & Space Invaders in the arcade
before taking a dip in the pool. The shuttle arrived at 10:30 (& was forced
to wait for an unorganized moronic couple (typical!)) before jetting us to
Typhoon Lagoon. After the days previous, we were feeling quite drained &
were happy just to stroll around the park eating trashy foods & having a
couple of beers. We rode the lazy river countless times & hung around in
the wave pool whereby a 6ft wave is released every 10minutes totally
obliterating any pesky children lacking basic swimming ability. It's pretty
gnarly. At about 3:00pm we grew tired of it all & returned to our hotel to
lounge around the pool in the hot sun. And that's exactly what we did until the
sun set. Afterwhich, we walked up the street to "Outback Steakhouse"
an imitation Australian cuisine that we'd seen the day previous. We dined in,
observed the menu & ordered Steak, Shrimp on the Barbie & Sangria. When
we told the waitress we were Australians she blushed a little & asked how
we found everything. We got into a very in-depth conversation about them having
no Kangaroo on the menu & how in Australia on any decent menu you'll find
Kangaroo Steaks served medium-rare. She had trouble believing us & went a
little pale when I told her Kangaroo meat is also used for dog food & their
hides used to make hats. Regardless, the meal there was surprisingly good &
reasonably priced. I went home that night & seasoned the 2kgs worth of ribs
I'd purchased days previous. All that meat-talk got me excited.
Friday
we boarded our final shuttle out to Universal Studios as we were told that Wet
N Wild was directly opposite. It wasn't. Try a 25 minute walk up the main road
from where we were dropped. We weren't quite sure whether our concierge, who
runs these shuttles, are either jerks or complete idiots. Thinking back though,
on our 2nd night one of the concierge attempted to sell us time share, shortly
before I peppered him with light abuse. A vendetta may have ensued.
Wet N Wild was great. Express passed our
way around the entire park, riding some really good water slides, tubes,
tunnels, half pipes & thrill-slides. The weather was tops as well & the
park was a lot quieter than all others previous which was a real bonus. We left
for home around 3:00pm in favor of cocktails around the pool, followed by a
round of karaoke at sunset, the likes of which America had never seen. And can
I just say, after the performance that I put on, it was a good thing that we
were leaving in the morning.
Saturday
we rose, packed our lives back into our suitcases & jumped into a private
shuttle out to Orlando airport. Nursing two heavy cases of 'cocktail regret' we
had the pleasure of Burger King breakfast at the airport terminal before
boarding the plane at 11am for the 3 hour flight up to New York city. From the
man-made forests, plastic attractions & placid streets of Orlando to the
brutal intensity & unrelenting chaos of the largest city on earth. We were
so ready.
-Note:
The tap water throughout the entire city of Orlando is foul-flavoured &
undrinkable. I reuse all of our drink bottles, refilling them at the tap &
throwing them in the fridge for the next day. To me, the concept of buying a
free natural resource from the coca-cola amatil company is far from absurd. No one
should ever have the right to repackage water & sell it at such an inflated
price. But in one of the busiest cities in the world, that is visited by 51
million tourists each year, it seems awfully convenient that the water here is
terrible tasting & the price of a single bottle of water is around 50c more
expensive than anywhere else. Regardless, the Orlando authorities have
reassured everyone that it’s fit for human
consumption. Let it be known, the water in Orlando is suspect.
