Who wants money? Anyone? I'm throwing
it away. Out it goes with my mobile phone and all my phone numbers.
And a fair portion of my dignity too. Yep, that's what Bucks parties
are all about apparently. Being the first I had attended, I expected
things to be a little more uncontrolled than what it turned out to
be. Perhaps the 30 year average age meant the participants were
mature enough not to cover the buck in engine oil and shave his
balls. Other than being the last one to volunteer for such a task,
Trevor's 6'5” frame probably deterred anyone from trying to denude
his crown jewels.
As a stranger to nearly all of Trevor's
long term friends, I carried a degree of trepidation into the event.
Would his friends be as funny and accommodating as what Trev is?
Would they subject me to some rite of passage being new to the group
and a Bucks party virgin? I wore clothes that would present a
challenge to even the most deftly skilled undresser. I vowed to keep
my usual exuberance to a minimum to ensure I blended in. I vowed to
have no boobs thrust into my face unless I was sure the thrustee was
a willing participant. Other than that, I went with an open mind and
an open wallet and the following tale demonstrates that everyone had
a memorable night, even if they cannot remember it.
It started sedately enough, given that
no one had gone in for pre-noon beers as longevity was to be an
important part of proceedings. We had a brief tour of the Moorilla
brewery responsible for the delicious line of Moo brew beers. An
understanding of the process was not going to add to most peoples
enjoyment of the free drinks we were given, but it was funny and
educational none the less. A buffet lunch was punctuated with the
usual questions and misunderstandings about vegetarianism, and the
playful ribbing was harmless enough to chalk it up to male bonding. A
few of the guys seemed determined to make me try an oyster, but its
known aphrodisiac qualities had me rather suspicious about their
intentions.
A half hour water taxi ride back to the
city netted enough money for the driver to make two trips a week and
still earn more than the average nurse or school teacher. A big
lunch, a rapid ingestion of free beer and a choppy boat ride is a
sure fire recipe for a large number of people to turn interesting
shades of green. Strangely enough, the ride there had been punctuated
by calls for the driver to do some stomach-churning circle work, but
the ride back was devoid of such requests.
Lark's whisky bar was the next port of
call. Adding strong liquor to the mix in the middle of the afternoon
was definitely going to shorten the event, so many including myself,
decided to abstain. Combined with the week I had off the holy smoke,
I still felt surprisingly lucid after another 2 hours of drinking
first, socialising second. Returning to work to retrieve a jumper
proved that I wasn't as lucid as I thought. Fortunately the quickness
of my incursion into a dangerous place to be drunk bore no
regrettable actions.
Onto the New Sydney hotel and bar staff
of all age, gender and appearance were being subjected to the effects
of the oysters. Spending discretion had disappeared and my moral
compass was suffering from the magnestism of the Bucks party
mentality. The impenetrable nature of my clothing was not being
matched by my wallet and I was leaving a Hansel and Gretel like trail
of money wherever I walked.
After more food and vegetarian jibes,
it was off to the Men's Gallery. This was more like what I had been
expecting, and having not been inside a strip club for over 15 years,
I confess to no small degree of curiosity as to what the rest of the
night entailed. A few shots of jagermeister ensured that liver,
memory and savings would be worse off for the experience. Laura's
scepticism of the willing participation of all flesh industry workers
made me ask each girl I came across whether or not they were happy
with their line of work. Unsurprisingly, all bar one said they loved
it, but largely due to the money. And why not? It was being thrown
around like confetti by this stage. Being highly suggestible in my
drunken state, I aimed to avoid ostracism and succumbed to a $70, 10
minute lap dance that I felt too guilty to receive. Instead I sat
there for most of the time and massaged her shoulders! For all the
jibes I got about being vegetarian, that sole act of reverse
exploitation ensured I might be accepted as one of the boys, but I'll
always be outside of the blokes mentality. Laura still dismissed me
as being a disgusting pervert, but I felt only the quick, permitted,
curiosity-satisfying fondle of her fake boobs compromised what was
otherwise quite respectable behaviour given the situation.
By 4am it was home time and my phone
decided to get in on the fun and tell me it was only 12pm. Everybody
knows not to drink and dial but it seems that better judgement had
deserted me a long time ago. After a drawn out voice mail on Rachel's
phone detailing God only knows what, the phone salvaged some dignity
by refusing to work any further. This I thanked it for by booting it
20 metres into the air. Unbelievably it still turned on after I
re-assembled all the pieces. The touch facilities failed to respond
and I drove the final nail into its coffin by embedding the stylus in
the screen. At least my severe bout of techno-rage saved me from
getting into further trouble.
That was until I had to work 12 hours
later. I felt fine for most of the day wandering around in a toxic
daze. Once I was expected to do something vaguely constructive, the
wheels started to fall off. There was no service with a smile and a
few of the patrons seemed somewhat concerned when the smell of their
alcohol turned my complexion green before their eyes. I eventually
made it through and reversed some of the damage I realised I had
suffered when I had woken to find my wallet full of EFTPOS slips but
no money.
As far as my expectations of a Bucks
party goes, it was all rather well behaved. It would have been such a
great night for Trevor to have all his good friends together for the
evening, so much so that I am thinking about getting married for that
very reason. I probably need someone to get married to, and therein
lies the biggest problem. And what exactly a wedding entails I am
about to discover as I witness another rite of passage I have
successfully avoided attending for many years.
