3
days cruising on Rancho Relaxo shouldn't have to start at 7am. Being
paid to get up that early for work makes such an effort sensible with
the axiom 'sooner started, sooner finished'. Choosing a guided tour
probably four times more expensive than self travel should have seen
me carried to the waiting mini bus on silk pillows, a fresh coffee
awaiting my embarkment as a reward for such an early rise. Not so,
but seeing how much easier mornings are for me than Uma, made me more
accepting of unfulfilled expectations.
The
4 hour trip to Halong City was great because we got to watch a live
horror show right out the front windshield of the mini bus. I thought
blood, gore and a 10 minute delay to clean organs off panels was
virtually inevitable. I put my neck pillow on to use like an air-bag
as sleep is impossible when there is a lingering fear you'll wake up
in traction. Vietnamese roads are a self assembling jigsaw puzzle, a
mosaic of autocratic tetris pieces. Dodge 'em cars at a Vietnamese
carnival would be so dull because everyone drives on the road with
the speed of the pursued, the intent to bully and the belief their
vehicle is an indestructible tank. Yet, a close call every minute
aged me terribly but did not catastrophically end that aging process
prematurely. A Westerner could never fathom how it works because
similar driving back home would get your mother insulted and your
windows crow-barred.
Still,
imminent disaster made for better viewing than the bleak industrial
towns we passed through. The houses are a strange contrast in that
some are new enough to look like the paint is still drying while the
rest are old enough to be Heritage listed. The factories are concrete
blisters of varying environmental carnage producing goods of
debatable necessity. If it's pith helmets they're making, God bless
and prosper. If it's karaoke machines, a plague of biblical
proportions upon your profit margin.
From
beyond the over-exploited lands, the fog, smog, smoke and hangover
cleared to reveal Karst pillars of immense size, shape, number and
uniqueness. The peaks pin prick the Gulf of Tonkin like stalagmites
on steroids. 3,000ish islands make the region unique enough to be
UNESCO listed but not quite wonderful enough to make the grade in top
7 'wonders of the world' ranking.
We'd
been sold a relatively cheap tour made cheaper for choosing the 3
year old boat instead of the 3 month old boat. Perhaps years and
decades got mixed up in the translation because it must have been a
really rough 3 years if so. That the boats were called 'junks'
probably went a long way to explaining their decrepit appearance.
Most of them anchored in the harbour looked like the resulting
flotsam from the destruction of a larger, more seaworthy vessel.
Fortunately
we had a really good guide whose prayers to God for good weather
highlighted the prevalence of Christianity in Vietnam, and the
propensity of its believers to pester the top dog with mundane
requests. Besides his largely unsuccessful petition, we all ended up
extremely pleased with Tony, a fake name he chose to aid
pronunciation and not to hide any embarrassing blunders. That was
left up to Uma, still insisting on a pseudonym as she continued to
create a highlight reel of entertaining misadventures.
Lunch
came first and my request for vegetarian food had not made it out of
the booking office so I dined on french fries and steamed rice. I
gave Tony a quick lesson in a vegetarian's dietary requirements
extending beyond starch and was extremely well catered to for the
rest of the trip. French fries and cucumber were plentiful but the
desirability of one balanced out the detestability of the other.
Our
first stop for the trip started out intriguing and photo worthy but
verged on mundane with repetition. A water based community whose
whole village floated on foam blocks remained anchored to the one
spot, under utilising the relocatable potential of their buoyant
abode. Given the unrivalled surroundings, no one could blame them for
failing to float too far afield for generations. If such folk fought
against following in the footsteps of their forebears and weren't
fond of fishing, they were fucked as job options were traded in for a
location beyond compare.
The
afternoon would have been a perfect time to work the tan cruising
around the bay were it not completely overcast. Having fewer options
made beer drinking more appealing than it already was. Indulging
liberally in the local brew also made a relatively unspectacular
'Surprising Cave' seem aptly named because someone had thought of
calling it that in the first place. It was interesting enough as far
as caves go, but having Tony point out numerous phallic rocks and
calling them 'spit guns' was trumped only by the vendor in the cave
selling beer for half the price as that on our boat.
The
walk to the cave was pretty taxing on Uma's sore foot and we were
soon seen as the limiting factor in all the group's endeavours. We
were late getting onto the mini bus as Uma had wandered off to find
reality, or at least a baguette for breakfast. We were late getting
back onto the mini bus at our rest stop as impending doom had forced
me into a long session of deep breathing before I was able to eat
anything.
Fortunately,
our next fun stop was kayaking, which we were late for as well. After
disembarking onto the pier, Uma decided to strip down to a bikini to
save her pants from getting wet. She tried to throw them back onto
the boat, but her pants mirrored the behaviour of my kamikaze camera.
They tumbled down the side of the boat and splashed into the water,
soaking them more thoroughly than if she had of just left them on.
Had I of already been in the kayak, I would have fallen out of it
laughing.
We
paddled around in erratic circles for awhile, more intent of
splashing each other than actually getting anywhere. Everything in
the area was unique in itself, but no different to what we had seen
all day. Everyone else motored off like Columbus, but we were content
to float around soaking up the scenery. And soak up the water each
had used like a weapon, confirming Uma's fear her pants would have
gotten saturated had she left them on. Like us both, it was obviously
their destiny to get wet.
Already
soaked through, the next logical step was jumping into the warm salty
seas from the top deck of the 3 storey boat. It was high enough to
thrill, but not to terrify. The onset of twilight made it more
exciting, as did a lady hanging around in a little boat trying to
sell us beer on our way down. These condensed 7-11's were packed with
goods and floating around everywhere, half badgering, half edifying
us on the inflated prices on our own boat.
The
evening was spent swapping travel stories with a delightful Belgium
couple. Cloudy skies robbed us of a starry night as much as mooring
in a tourist 'junk' yard. The bobbing lights all around us looked
like fake stars across the water and gave the air an ethereal glow
though. After 2 night caps, everything had an ethereal glow and we
disappeared into the bowels of our junk for what would have been a
peaceful night's sleep had we been able to turn the air conditioner
on.