Right now, Gen and I are, approximately, 10 weeks away from our premier
departure from Philadelphia to Los Angeles, and then on to New Zealand.
This trip began as an entertaining idea she and i had right after we graduated
college. We would spend nights laying in bed, idly meandering around the
world in our minds, as though we were school children with our first
crushes. We both had just started working at our full time jobs and were
making more money, albeit a tiny amount, than we ever had in the past.
Our relationship was new and exciting (not that it's not exciting now!) and we
both shared a passion for adventure and travel. We would get so excited
talking about how thrilling it would be to just leave it all behind, pack a few
things, and hit the road. The life of a vagabond held such appeal as we
had never experienced, and we wanted that freedom for spontaneity.
As the time for departure draws nearer, though, we find ourselves more and
more scared, apprehensive, nervous, and anxious. Already we are realizing
what it means to give up all the comforts we consider home so we can experience
what others call home. the things we take for granted every day; our
food, our beds, our family and friends, our jobs, the stability of regularity,
and the confidence that equanimity instills. In the beginning, we spoke
of our trip with the aplomb of a seasoned traveler. But now, as we
approach February 5th, our voices become a bit shakier; there's a tangible
tremble when we talk about our upcoming adventure. As our confidence
wanes, our excitement waxes; an indirect relationship between two normally
directly related emotions. And because our dwindling boldness is withheld
from all but those whom we hold in the highest confidences, the internalization
of such a powerful emotion keeps us awake at night, fretting with anticipation.
Fear and anxiety, though, have become our allies. We use them as our eidtors and spotters. We are careful to dot every T and cross every I; the Devil, the say, is in the details, and Gen and I have no interest in meeting the Devil on this trip. We use fear as our watchful companion, insuring that we plan our trip to the minutia, leaving no room for chance, but plenty of room for prudent abandon.
