So what was I doing there? I knew many were thinking that, even those I shared some rough possibilities with before leaving. The ineptitude I had thus far demonstrated could possibly be put down to the total lack of planning, which was an integral part of my planning. I had resisted all temptation to have even a vague idea of what I was going to do while over there. A change was necessary and long overdue so I took the initiative and blindly threw myself into the waiting arms of fate. Given my misadventures so far, I think fate was otherwise preoccupied and will get around to deciding my future once she has finished cleaning the bathroom. (Just as God was also preoccupied, jealously smiting heathens the world over when I took a leap of faith off my parents roof and had atheism smashed into me with five breaks in my heel bone. Speaking of, the foot has been generally okay, although one of my fused toes still obstinately refuses to look or behave anything like a toe should.)
In Soul Rebel, my favourite song at the time, Bob Marley sings "If you are not living good, I beg you, travel wide" Even though life was good, I was not living good. Some bad growth had taken hold of my mind and I felt it necessary to remove myself from all the things we usually use to define our personalities ie. friends, family, work, lifestyle. That is not to say that anything was wrong with these things but we always wear masks and fulfill different roles dependent upon the company and situation we are in. In such circumstances, we carry on habitually as we always have done. Removing yourself from all that is known gives you the opportunity to reboot the system and learn to act in the way you truly want, and not the way others have come to expect.
After doing things I never thought I was capable of, and generally tiring of my bacchanalian lifestyle, I started longing to find the middle road between the spiritual seeker of 7 years ago and the licentious hedonist I had become. I left many wonderful people behind and they will always be very dear to me but I felt I was no longer able to behave in a manner befitting the person I truly want to be. Too many times did I unknowingly and unintentionally hurt those I love and I decided that becoming more aware of my thoughts and actions was long overdue. An ineluctable change was coming and I went there to initiate it.
What does this mean for the journey I found myself on? Not only have I gotten away to better understand my dark side and to foster the growth of positive attributes that got drowned in excesses, I also sought another career path now that my back has been turned on the fine art of coffee making. To the first, I lounged in an amazing beach side locale, appearing to all on lookers to be doing precisely nothing of any consequence. In fact, I was letting my past life recede of its own accord, to find the Harry that lies smothered by the history of the previous year. Once the vessel has been emptied, I aimed to take a more disciplined approach to self-improvement and hoped to do a 10 day meditation retreat.
To the second, I entertained various options that most were revealed as unfeasible once I got a better understanding of myself, what I want, and how best to achieve that. I remained open to unforeseeable options presenting themselves but their appeal was lessened in comparison to choices that had the benefit of lengthy consideration.
Minor goals for this trip also included weight gain, which is raced in unison with bankruptcy, most definitely not a goal but an inevitability nonetheless. Writing a book was considered, but I enjoyed simply rambling on in journal entries instead. My TESOL assignments needed completing and a massive pile of old poetry awaited redaction. Extending current body art is always as option but the barbecued kneecap was giving my body enough to deal with at the time.
I hope this goes some way to explaining why I threw in a fun job, moved out of a great bachelor pad, left behind many beautiful people, and broke two hearts to head overseas with the vaguest set of goals any individual has ever traveled with. Regardless of whether the outcome matched my expectations or not, it was bound to provide untold opportunity for growth and experience. I thank everyone for taking an interest in my journey and I hope that my reflections give people food for thought to better understand themselves and the lives they are living.
