Today I took the most necessary bike ride of my life. It was a simple one around my grandmother’s neighborhood. Light rain pelted my face as I focused on pedaling hard - faster and faster to feel the wind whip through my hair and distract me from the inner turmoil of my mind. The gloomy clouds seemed to be projected right from my thoughts and I tried to rush past them as quick as possible. The purpose of the bike ride was escape. Escape from all the worry and stress that has set in since my last day of work.
Quitting my job to travel seemed like such a romantic idea notion until that last day finally came. Since then I have had this sinking feeling in the bit of my stomach. Will I be able to find work again when I am low on cash? Will I be as successful as I was before I quit? Will I be able to survive out there on the road or have to return home penniless and a failure? I looked at my bank account online today and felt my heart sink into my gut when I realized that this was the highest balance that I was going to be seeing for a long time. The small black numbers on the screen burned a hole into my eye sockets as I pictured the numbers increasingly get smaller and smaller in my mind.
If you are reading this article because you are thinking of leaving your job to travel and are looking for motivation then I would stop reading this right now. I’m writing this to show others just how scary those last few days can be before you leave. I leave in 2 weeks and I’m frightened. Frightened that I am doing this alone and paranoid that I have made the greatest mistake of my life.
I freaked out on my last day. I am a high school math teacher and it was the last day of the school year for all the teachers. The only difference was that most of the staff knew that they were coming back in August whereas I was saying goodbye to everyone for good. The teachers at my school were like a family to me - particularly the other math teachers. These were people that I laughed with and cried with and now I was saying goodbye with. Of coarse we all said that we would stay in touch, but you and I both know that 9 out of 10 people become so busy in their own lives that maintaining long-distance friendships usually is put on the backburner.
Tears were already welling in my eyes as I was about to sign out for the year with the school principal. I had to put my sunglasses on because I was too embarrassed to let others see that I was upset. After all, this was my decision! The school’s administration handed me my last paycheck, wished me a good trip…and that was it. The end of the first real job I ever had. I put everything into college in hopes of getting this dream job that I was now giving up. I had enough job security at my school that I can confidently say that I probably was guaranteed a job for the rest of my career - and I just threw it all away. What is wrong with me??? I think if I went back in time and told this information to my hard-working college self I would be murdered by her.
I’m trying to focus on the positives of the situation. I am going to see amazing, awesome things. I am going to meet incredible people. I am going to push myself to the limits and see what I am capable of doing on my own. I am going to get to do what many people have only dreamed about. I have always wondered if there was something better for me out there - past the Hunterdon County and New Jersey borders. There’s no way to know unless I try, as scary as this all seems.
I ended my bike ride slightly winded but set on writing this post. It is important that you all know that, while I may seem super confident and brave, I am actually the most scared than I have ever been. Please know that the choices that I have made have not come lightly.
Here’s hoping that this will all turn out in the end.
