My Dumb Idea

Is the world coming to an end, Josh is actually posting another story. It has been exactly one month since he posted the last one. "What was the hold up, we want a new story", you might ask, well in an effort to be combative I am answering all questions with a question, so "How come you haven't written a story?" So put that in your pipe and smoke it, or if you don't smoke which is definitely the more healthy option then put that in the pipe of another person who smokes and wants to die at a young age from a horrible disease. (Editor's Note: Mr. Patterson is in no way shape or form deriding your right as a free American to smoke. Actually that's exactly what I am doing. Hey you aren't the editor get out of here.) The point is I have been somewhat busy but in reality I have been in a state of boredom where no suggestion seems like fun even though it would break your boredom because it would just be to much work to do. So the boredom persist like Lung Cancer, in your face editor boy. So obviously I have a few stories to tell, so go get a warm beverage because I know Ohio has 3 feet of snow on the ground, grab some pretzels and sit back and enjoy.

So I thought about doing this in Chronological order just to keep everything straight in my head but then decided heck with it, I can do what I want. So first lets talk about Chinese New Year and the Lantern Festival. they are separated by 15 days but I felt like they were the same long horrifying event. What do I mean by horrifying, I mean it was a huge party for all of china what could be so bad about that you ask? Well I will tell you why, even though I am still dealing with the PTSD caused by those events. Stop if you have heard this fun fact before, China discovered gunpowder. If i had a nickel for every time I heard that in the last month, I would be the riches man in...some former Soviet Republic at least. So if you had a mountain of black powder that exploded what would you do with it, fireworks of course. Let me just explain something if I could for you, China really has no laws regarding the usage of fireworks. If you wanted to say put like a string of 400 black cats on a stick and hang them out of your window as they explode at 6:30 in the morning, well sir go right ahead. So for about a 3 week stretch, there was no telling when or were you might find yourself face to face with firecrackers going off in your face. It's like Chinese water torture and sleep deprivation except with explosives, I for one find it much more successful than water boarding. (Editor's Note: Mr. Patterson is in no way taking a political stance on water boarding or offering any moral point of view on it either) People were literally setting off fireworks in the stairwell of my building, IN THE STAIRWELL. I can't imagine the amount of trouble a person in America would get themselves into if they did that, heck (Editors Note: Name deleted and replaced)a random childhood friend of my went to jail for throwing one measly firework into a store. I saw a guy take a box of fireworks set them in the street and light them and stand back and watch as they shot up into the air like 40 feet over passing cars and buses. I like every other man in the world enjoy celebrating things by blowing stuff up, I mean seriously what man doesn't. Imagine the amount of fun dudes would have preparing for any random boring American holiday if it involved blowing stuff up. It would be like the greatest ever!! So on the evening of the Lantern Festival I met up with some students and we went down to the square to see some fireworks. Also beside fireworks they also like to set off paper lanterns. So you pay a few bucks for this paper bag that is open on one end with a frame for sticking a block of wax and flammable material. So you set the block on fire it fills up the bag and of course it floats away because hot air rises. Well now imagine that 2000 people are all trying to do this at roughly the same time, and while that is going on the other 2000 people in the square are shooting off fireworks. You would think oh so they are shooting fireworks into the air, how pretty. You would be wrong, there are kids and adults lighting firecrackers and throwing them on the ground, they give roman candles to 3 year old kids to hold who forget to keep pointing them up in the air. You got guys setting off fountains 3 feet from you, another set of guys shooting off big  boxes of fireworks, guys throwing cherry bombs at their girlfriends to scare them, and little kids with sparklers riding around on wiggle boards. I literally felt like I was trying to storm the beaches of Normandy, there were explosions all around me and above me. I was waiting for Jim to tell me Dog One was open, I saw one of my students get her arm blown off, and another Chinese person lost his leg, I took one in the Shoulder (Editor's Note: This of course is all a lie Mr. Patterson did not "take one in the shoulder" no other Chinese people were at all harmed.)It was the most terrifying and exhilarating night of my life, I never felt so alive. I am not sure what all the fuss is about with WWII veterans they got a chance to live like none of us ever will (Editor's Note: I am so sorry I can't believe Mr. Patterson is actually deriding veterans of war. I con longer cover for him, he is a rude, self absorbed jerk, and you should be ashamed of yourselves for reading this drivel)Also i saw a 5 year old with his pants down peeing in the middle of the square, and when he was done his grandmother helped him pull his pants back up, so if nothing else that scared me. Other than that they were both excellent holidays, on New Years eve Finn and I went to the other American teachers home for the traditional Chinese dinner of soft tacos and nachos. Ok well not exactly traditional, and then we went up to the roof at midnight to watch the fireworks and do some stupid stuff all our own. I have some pictures and a movie coming from that real soon.

I have debated whether or not to tell this story but I have been told by the few Americans that I told it to that it was quite funny so I should share it. I would like to start off by saying most everyone that knows me, knows I am a pretty peaceful guy who maybe doesn't detest violence but I don't see the reason in it so I avoid it usually. I am usually the guy trying to prevent others from getting involved in violence, so just keep that in mind please. As some of you may know there were a group of Germans living in the city, they actually just left 2 weeks ago. They were here on an internship at one of the other universities in the city. I believe I have told everyone here about Congress and I might have mentioned the Germans penchant for going there and getting hammered 5 nights a week. Well it might not be 5 nights a week but at least 2 or 3, whatever. So all of the other Americans were out of town and the Germans invited me to Congress one night, so I of course invited some of the Chinese teachers I know. So Lily and here cousins, and Julia and her sister came along, we went and got hot pot first and I burnt the mess out of my thumb. I spent half of dinner with my thumb in a glass of disgusting Chinese alcohol to take the heat away. So I was already not happy. So we show up at Congress and meet the Germans who ate separately and were already drunk, great. They also brought another German Thomas, who I had only met one time before. I don't like Thomas, sorry, he gets drunk and acts in a manner that I can't describe without using unkind words. So the night begins with him biting me in the hallway, not on my arm or hand but on my nipple, yes I said it. So of course I have brought all my friends and I am kind of looking out for them like big brother style, and of course Thomas is doing some inappropriate things that are making them uncomfortable so I am constantly making him stop. Despite all of that I had a good evening and as it was late we were heading home, as we were walking out we of course ran into Thomas. I told him we were going home and he said he wanted to tell me something, so I was like whatever. He wrapped his arm around my neck and began to walk me away from my group and I was like hey whats up I am trying to leave, still trying to be nice. at this point something occurs that to this day I am not sure if it was intentional or if it was an accident, but I feel like it was. Thomas arm around my neck throws me to the ground and lands on top of me. As I said I am a rational normal person who is pretty much non-violent, but at that moment that sane person just disappeared. I don't know what it was but as my hip slammed into the ground and the grunt of pain escaped my lips, I just feel the burning urge to punch Thomas in the face until either his face or my hands were mush. Now as Josh Bolling can attest to I can be a slippery guy when people are trying to grab me or pin. So without thinking my body reacted. I immediately rolled out from under him and as he was falling to the floor I spun and brought my knee into his side, so I could here that satisfying whuff of air being forced out of his longs. I then mounted him MMA style with my knees on his chest, yes i was off the ground and his chest was supporting my weight. I am fat he is not. I then cocked a fist and was bringing it down when through the din of blood rage I heard a curious sound. People yelling in Chinese, see to the outside observer it appeared as if either I started the fight or it was a mutual fight starting, not that I had been blindsided for no reason. As the girls from my group were yelling at me in Chinese it caused me to pause long enough for the rational part of my brain to regain control. I realized where I was and what I was doing and the first thought I had, was I can't go to jail in China I am to pretty. So after I got up and we all left to get in the taxi I had to explain to my friends that no I did not start a fight with Thomas he started it with me, and no I didn't say anything to precipitate it unless saying I was going home insulted him somehow. The best was about a month later when I saw him next and he was once again in a drunken stupor, he tried to explain to me that unlike his cousin he is a fun and happy drunk who never gets violent when he is drunk, because of course he was drunk he doesn't remember anything that happened from that night. The other awesome part was when I finally got home and realized that when he threw me to the ground my keys fell out of my pocket. I figured that out after walking all the way up 7 flights of steps, I then had to go get a cab go all the way back across town get my keys from the security guard that had picked them up and go all the way back up up another 7 flights of steps. So basically it was the first time a Jew had successfully bested a German, so take that Hitler.

If you are still reading this then bravo, onto my hospital story from yesterday. So I have been sick for like 2 months now. I would have like really bad stomach pains and diarrhea for 2 days or so and then I would be fine for 5 days and then sick again. i had gone to the doctor twice and both times they did not take me seriously and just gave me some diarrhea medicine because they thought I just wasn't used to the food or I had drank a cold beverage with my dinner. Which by the way may or may not affect your digestive process but I have actually done some research and almost all of the actual research I have found by licensed medical doctors is that drinking a cold beverage with hot food makes you sick, is just a myth. Because your body actually brings everything in it to body temperature, so it actually has to cool down that hot food and warm up that cold drink, so everything is a cool 98.6 degrees F. So finally yesterday I reached a tipping point and I just couldn't take it anymore so I decided to go back to the hospital and take one more crack at it. So I went with Lily and having learned my lesson I brought my own "sample" with me in a plastic cup in a ziploc bag. This is Tai He hospital, it is the hospital that is attached academically to my university. So as I have said before you basically find the room with the doctor you want to see. there are no appointments or waiting rooms you just go to in my case, the gastrointestinal doctors room. A doctor sits in there at his desk and you tell him your symptoms, he may do a physical exam and then he is more than likely to send you for some tests. There is no order everybody just crowds around his desk and you shove your little packet of information at him and whichever one he grabs first gets to sit and the stool and get examined, while a group of random people stand there and listen, awesome. So we walked in and there were like 10 people already there. So I am thinking wow this is going to take forever, however Lily just walks right up to the doctor and says in Chinese that we are both teachers at the medical college and he needs to fix me first so I can go back to work. So the Chinese lady in the stool is immediately kicked out and the circle of people parts with a path directly to the stool for me. Every single head of course, turns to stare right at me, and the docotr says in pretty good English "Have a sit please". I kinda of sheepishly walk up and sit down, because cutting in line in China is literally a sport, everybody does it. Their philosophy is well I have to cut or someone will cut me, so better I cut first. I am pretty sure that kind of circular thinking has led to a war or three. So I as well as the other Americans are vocal advocates for proper line etiquette. I have gotten fed up with it and have recently taken to calling out people in the line at the bank or McDonald's who try to cut me. So i felt bad about cutting all of those people and I told Lily so later and she said well if we hadn't cut we would still be waiting, it was about 11:30 at this time, and the doctor would be leaving for his noon lunch at like 11:45. So we would never had seen the doctor and then we would have had to come back at 2 when lunch was over, and all of the Chinese people would have waited in the room and had people bring them lunch so they could be there when the doctor got back. So in this case the one time I was actually important enough to cut I am glad I did, because I felt like crap, literally. So this doctor actually took me seriously an ordered a endoscopy and a colonoscopy for me. Now I had just gotten a colonoscopy last year in the states so I passed on that one and went for the endoscopy. for those f you who don't know that is where they stick a camera down your throat and take pictures of your stomach. In American it is an expensive procedure that takes a week or so to schedule because you can't eat at all the day of the test. Also a bed needs to be scheduled, because they administer anesthesia, and you need time to recover from it, and also someone must drive you home. In China it costs 220 Chinese dollars, less than 40 dollars American. All I had to do was take an elevator up to the twelfth floor fill out some paper work and I was good to go. It is so cheap because they give you a bottle of topical anesthetic that you drink, and then your tongue and throat go numb and you sit in the room drooling on yourself while you wait for it to take full affect. Then you lay down on a bed and a guy puts a plastic piece in your mouth with a hole in the center for you to bite down on, then he straps it to your head. His job for the rest of the procedure is to hold your head still. I discovered I have an excellent gag reflex, because as the camera goes down your throat your brain is like hey that is not supposed to happen spit that out. Jokes on you brain because it is not coming on, so your brain is like jokes on you, dry heave. This is why they want to know if you have eaten because they do not want you to vomit all over them. So your whole body is wracked with uncontrollable spasms as it tries to eject this camera. Your nose is running, you are sweating, crying, and drooling uncontrollably as well. Normal 0 7.8 pt 0 2 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} To cap it all off I can hear Lily in the background giggling, because she told me it would be a bad test, because she had brought her mother for one a few years ago. So then thankfully the course out is much faster so there are less convulsions, but as you get off the table you feel like you have run a marathon and got beat up at the same time. Your whole body is shaky and you really want to punch the doctor in the face, because he is smiling. I got up and turned to the doctor and said, “I can’t believe I paid YOU for that.” To which Lily laughed again, but jokes on her because during the test I made her hold my Ziploc bag of “sample”. After all of that the doctor said it appeared that I had a lesion on the interior lining of my stomach where the mucus membrane had been worn away or eaten through. So he gave me a bunch of medicine and I was on my way. I am feeling a little better today but I am waiting to reserve judgment on whether or not I am going to get better. Also as a funny side note on the way from the hospital back to my home which is literally a 1 minute walk, I saw a man on a motorcycle get hit by a car. They hit him so hard that when he fell off the motorcycle his pants also fell off. He was laying the street with his pants around his knees, no underwear. Chinese people obviously don’t understand neck or back injuries, because the people in the car immediately got out and ran over to try and pick the guy up off of the ground. I can just imagine what was going through their heads, “The ground is cold and wet he will get sick if he lays on it.”, not “Oh we shouldn’t move him because we could exacerbate a spinal cord injury and paralyze him for life.” Luckily it happened in front of the hospital.

So that’s it folks, well done if you are still reading this. Now some random thoughts:

Go Saints! Go Big Blue!

Chris Mills is way over his head getting married, but you will never get lucky enough to find a girl that will want to marry you, so run with it.

Watercutter have you broken that marriage off yet, don’t talk to me till you do.

Sadly Lisa Harm has left 207, and now Huber Heights is lucky enough to get here. Something like that would almost cause a Zone Manager to drink on lunch. Good luck Damian!

The red raccoon things are called, originally enough, red pandas.

It is the year of the tiger, I was born in the year of the boar, really it’s the pig but I try to church it up a bit. If I hear one more pig joke from a student I am going to fail them.

Oddly enough I tried to fail some students, but the school made me bring up there grades so that it matched the average of all of the other students taking the class with other teachers. Since they are all the juniors they should of course all score about the same because they have the same skill level. Where was this grading system when I was in college, don’t go to class fail the exam and still get a B.

McDonald’s pancakes for breakfast = Awesome

All right I am gonna go take a nap bye!