As you will no doubt discover by reading the date and time by which this message was posted you will begin to wonder how this is a message from the future. Well I had this whole gag worked out were I was going to post a blog while it was still 2009 in America and it was 2010 in China. However I began typing said blog on Luke's laptop downstairs earlier today. He has a Macbook, don't even get me started on that, so seeing as how I have little to no experience with the desktop of a Mac I had no idea that his laptop was about out of power and needed to be plugged in. So you now know where this story was going, so like 3 paragraphs into my story the Mac just shuts off. So after deriding the Mac and Apple and all of their overpriced overcomplicated pieces of technology I didn't feel the need to immediately rewrite a story that I had just written. So I decided to wait a few hours and write it again. So undoubtedly this story will be posted in the year 2010 for both the US and for China, sad day. I mean I had this whole but worked out about me telling people their futures because I was in the future but now it won't work, so on with the post.
First I need to discuss the Never Ending Christmas/New Years Party Part 1-5. As you may have seen from the pictures I posted I attended a few parties this last week or so, 5 to be exact. A Chinese party is not exactly an American party. In reality the word party should not be used, it is more of a show then anything else. Each class has its own party, and by class I mean the different major groups. To explain this I am going to have to go into an extremely lengthy exposition about the Chinese education system again so here goes. Unlike America where you can choose your major and then your classes, In China you choose a major and the school then sets your schedule. So your major determines your class, and every morning your class meets for a class meeting and to do study and other things. Each class has a teacher as a supervisor and student monitors, elected by the class. So it is kind of like high school really. However because the classes are so large they are broken down into groups and usually those groups are based on grade levels. So all of the high grade level students are together and those with lower grades are together. You might what kind of problems this produce if say you have to teach the group 3 English class, which means those students have the worst exam grades for English and most of them don't care, but I digress. The point is you have these huge classes of students that go to the same class with each other everyday, have exams at the same time, and have meetings every weekday and Sunday night, so they are a large group of students who know each other very well. These classes throw their own parties. The problem involved for me is that I only teach certain groups, so when members of that group invite me to their party I may not teach that whole class just that group. So when I show up to the party I only know like half the room,this only becomes a problem at the end so I will get back to that. So in this party you basically just sit back and watch performances. Students will sing a song, do a dance or put on a play, which are usually comedies. This sounds like fun but remember the whole thing is in Chinese. So imagine the Christmas programs you used to have to sit through in Middle School, or your kids program and now imagine it is four hours long and in a foreign language! Oh and even better since I was a teacher I got to sit in the front row with their other teachers I had never met and who don't speak a lick of English usually. So I didn't even get to sit with people I know, and the majority of these teachers are older doctors and nurses so I had to act mature and responsible. Sometimes however they did play a game which broke up the monotony a little. I dominated musical chairs, lets be honest me versus a 40 kg Chinese girl I'm getting that seat. So after the show as I was ravenous from hunger and trying to make my escape, all of the students who had only heard about me from their classmates decided it was time to see the "bear" close up. So I had to take many pictures while also being interrogated at the same time it was quite wonderful. I have however got my Chinese pose down to a science so I can reproduce it at a moments notice. As you might also notice from my pictures, none of my clothes fit me any more. I have dropped a few LBs and now all of my clothes are to big. So I ahd to go and buy a new coat on Christmas Eve. You might be wondering why I went shopping on Christmas Eve, not only did I go shopping but I went at midnight. China doesn't really celebrate Christmas, they know the Western world does so they kinda of celebrate it, but for China their Christmas is the Spring Festival, which is in February this year. So Christmas Eve is their Black Friday and they do it Midnight Madness style. So normally at 8:30 the city of Shiyan shuts down, however at 12:30 a.m. Christmas day there were about a million people walking the city streets. That isn't an exaggeration because the city population is 3.5 million. So after shopping I made the mistake of eating xiao kao, I believe that is how you spell it, it is basically Chinese BBQ or their version. They basically cook all types of food over a charcoal flame, it is really quite wonderful. However at 3 a.m. it doesn't make for a pleasant next day. However I promised no more bowel stories, at least until later cause I have a good one.
So I need to talk about Congress, the Chinese dance club. First of all it might possibly be the funniest place I have ever been to in my life. Imagine an American dance club and then take away everything but loud music and alcohol and you begin to have a Chinese club. First off they don't have a dance floor so everybody stands at their table and dances. They have guards who stand by the metal detector at the door, but don;t try to stop you when you go in, even if someone were to hypothetically speaking of course shout, "I got a gun" while they walk into the door. There is no age limit and you might think okay so teenagers, nope I mean 5 year olds with their own milk cartons. I believe on New Year's Eve we saw some that were younger, like 3ish and their parents trying to make them dance. Guys don't dance with girls, Guys dance with guys it completely inappropriate and sexually suggestive ways, even if the guy is say a foreigner you have never met before and you feel the need to try and hug him and then kiss him on the mouth during a song. You can't even force the guys to dance with the girls, trust me we tried. Also the worst dance moves in the history of bad dances move are on display, oh that and the club literally clears out at 11:00. The Chinese guys have a tendency to get hammered and I mean hammered, on New Year's we saw at least 3 guys passed out on couches before 11, one guy dancing on a table and refusing to get down when the security guy asked him to, two breakups, and two circle's of guys dancing in what can only be described as ring around the rosy. So it si quite the interesting time, i actually get a good workout by going and dancing for like 4 hours straight. As anyone who knows me knows I can't dance and I feel awkward trying, however I look like George on the dance floor when compared to the Chinese guys. (Only Dan J. AND(you happy Bolling) Josh B. get the George reference, sorry) So went to Congress on New Year's, we took Lily and danced the night away, I actually danced longer than Lily she got tired out and had to take a rest. So I consider that a personal victory for me, considering how much mass I have to move around as opposed to her.
So the interesting poop story I promised. So before Congress we went to KTV to sing with some of my students. We arrived at 2:30 in the afternoon and the place was filled up, so my students called other KTVs in town, they were full to. I mean seriously does no one in China have anything better to do at 2 in the afternoon than go sing karaoke. So while we were waiting for a room to free up I felt the urge. Now I was out in public without tissues, I had washed my last pack in my pants on accident the week before and hadn't replaced them yet. For those of you who don't know China doesn't keep paper in the their public of private restrooms. So I went to the store in the KTV, and like any store inside of a party place like KTV everything was over priced. It was 2 RMB for a thing of tissue, usually I can get a 20 pack form the store for 6.50. So the question that I posed to Finn was, "Is my dignity worth 4 RMB?" The reason being I was at KTV with Finn and only girl students, I knew they would have tissues but was so cheap that I would ask them to borrow their tissue, knowing they would share. So I run into the bathroom, I find only one toilet open the one with a 3/4 length window on one side. I am not a short man nor a thin man and even in a squatty potty most of me is still visible in that window and we were only on the 5 or so floor. So at some point in the buildings around us I am sure somebody looked out their window and saw my big white butt sticking up in the air as I was trying to position my pants out of the blast zone. I will say this about Chinese toilets at least they can fit a door flush so there isn't that embarrassing crack that people can see through while you are handling your business.
Random Thoughts:
Chris Mills getting married, well that's it the world is going to end.
If the world is going to end on 12/21/2012 which timezone will the apocalypse begin in. Will it begin in the Pacific Ocean somewhere, or maybe Greenwich Mean time, or will it wait till that one minute when the whole world is still part of the same day. This stuff keeps me up at night.
Chris Mills is getting married, I just lost a little of my sanity.
I also want to toss out a hello to the Bolling family welcome to the 21st century and the Internet. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday.
We are currently taking bets as to who will be the fattest when I come home, me, Dan J. or our newest entry Jim D.
Scott Sutton has another baby on the way, looks like he will have to jack up the prices on me for cleaning my car to buy more diapers.
Dan J. I want to hear Jamie is preggo soon.
Kelly I can't even look at you and you know why, I don't need to say it.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
