I’ve been feeling somewhat pensive of late, no doubt a consequence of my indecision about what to do for the last couple of months of my trip. As you are all aware, I set my heart on volunteering in India, despite the less than encouraging response it received. However, I am also sure that you are aware of the recent bombings in Delhi and the apparent promise of further bombings from a particular terrorist group in India. Initially this scared the absolute crap out of me – certainly I would be safe working at the orphanage on the outskirts of Delhi (not central, and they are unlikely to target Delhi twice), but travelling around India would more than likely make me feel very anxious, without even entering into the state of mind it would leave my parents in.
This angered me. I have always been adamant about not giving in to the terror spread by these radical groups (and quite frankly the media) – and I am deeply ashamed that I have been affected so. Don’t be ashamed! I hear you cry. Many people would change their plans and you shouldn’t be embarrassed. Nobody will think less of you. Unfortunately that is not entirely true. I’m sure that you all know I am hardly one to succumb to peer pressure, let alone worry how my actions will affect others’ views – you are all aware that I have a ‘screw you hippies, I do what I want’ kind of attitude most of the time when it comes to my personal life choices. However, although I may not care what everybody else thinks of my decision, it really matters to me what I think of my decision. I am ashamed of me. I am aghast that I could possibly be afraid to pursue something that means a lot to me. Although not wanting to risk my life on principle, it still makes me sick to the stomach that I am falling victim to the lock-yourself-in-your-home-just-in-case mentality. Yeah, I’m exaggerating, I know – but this is what it feels like I am succumbing to.
However, fortunately after talking to Spunk and either by being able to perfect the lying-to-yourself trick that she has or after thinking about the chances logically in a country with a population of over 1 billion of being one of 20, 40, 60….I don’t feel so frightened anymore. However, I am still really undecided.
Mum jokingly brought up the idea of staying in Italy for that period of time (my, how I bet she is patting herself on the back now), and I can’t shake the idea. I have been fantasising about learning Italian rapidly and not actually having to leave the country that I adore so much. I forgot how much this country grabs me…I seriously considered cancelling my flight to the Netherlands, it was so hard to leave. My one concern is that if I stayed in Italy….what the hell would I do? I looked up volunteering and there is not much available and it tends to cost a mint. I’m not sure I would make it….I have the potential to get VERY homesick, particularly as Andrew will not be with me.
So what do I do? Going to India and working in the orphanage would be an amazing experience that I know I wouldn’t regret, and I would feel like I had a purpose. However, I know that if I don’t do it this time round I will absolutely make time for it later on. Conversely I don’t know if I’ll ever get the opportunity to spend a month in Italy by myself ever again, it would be amazing and I would learn more Italian than I probably would in 2 years of classes…it is certainly working towards one of my life goals…but I may get bored and I was really looking forward to contributing to a community. Round and round and round…..(all the ducks…)
I have being hoping for some sort of epiphany but unfortunately as time wears on I become more and more uncertain, I just have no idea. I know that the world is dying for me to say I’ll stay in Italy, and hell, maybe that pushes me towards India, I don’t know. I just wish that something would click inside my head and help me to decide…I’ll just sit here and wait for that elusive epiphany…
