GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME!! To our special edition of “Places you’ve always wanted to go to”. Tonight we will be covering the awesome Adventures of the Mel as she tours through the spectacular Le Cinque Terre with her entertaining sister and her DJ lemming along with the marvellously magnificent Snuffmeister. Featuring the five famous coastal towns of Riomaggiore, Manarola, Corniglia, Vernazza and Monterosso and the wicked tunes of Funkmaster Lenny Z* we follow the trio in their exploration of this beautiful Italian region.
We join the Aussies as they check into their hostel in Levanto, a small town 3km north of the coastal trail. Andrew joined the two sisters as a last minute decision but managed to get accommodation with them. They are making their beds and deciding what to do with their night.
The Mel scrambles across the bottom bunk struggling to tuck in her sheets to the like-a-glove mattress-frame combination.
The Mel: “I think we should probably do the trek tomorrow and relax the day after. Perhaps we should go for a stroll on the beach tonight and have a quiet night so we are all prepared, walking from here adds on another 3km, so we’ll need all our energy”
Snuffy: “Yeah okay, I’m easy.”
Chopmeister: “Sounds like a plan, Stan. Let’s go get our groove on. Let me just put on some cool disco threads first and we’ll go look at the beach.”
The Mel: “Good thinking. I’ll have a shower and get out of my sweaty clothes and we’ll get going.”
The trio get changed and head off into dusk to stroll along the beach, or at least what the locals call a beach. A far cry from the golden sands they are used to, the beach is a stretch of fine gravel and rocks but still populated with umbrellas, people and budgie smugglers.
Chopmeister: “This is awesome, even if the beach isn’t quite what I’d call nice. Get a photo of me in my cool disco threads over here while I pretend to surf.”
The Mel grabs Chopmeister’s camera and takes photos of the wannabe surfer whilst Snuffy breathes in the evening ocean air.
Snuffy: “How about we got get some dinner? I’m getting a bit hungry. What about the place across the road? You might still be able to get wireless there too, The Mel.”
Chopmeister: “Awesome. Maybe I can check my bank account and post photos of me in my cool disco threads for the family.”
Funkmaster Lenny Z: “We are family. I got all my sisters with me…”
The Mel: “Yes you do Choppy, yes you do.”
The trio work their way back to the hostel where The Mel grabs her laptop and they eat dinner and grab a cocktail. They sit here chatting for a while emailing and eating dinner, when they are interrupted. Enter new player…
Omid: “Sorry, I just heard you guys speaking English…do you mind if I join you? It’s nice to hear the language!”
The Mel: “Sure, grab a seat!”
Omid turns to Chopmeister and recognises her from their room. The four end up talking for another hour or two and having another cocktail or two.
Omid: “Another one? What cocktail would you girls like?”
Chopmeister: “We’re drinking Sex on the Beach..”
Lenny Z: “Sex on the beach…..”
Finally the four retire for the night after organising to hike the trail together the next day. The Earth continues to rotate and soon enough it is dawn and breakfast time. They arise and prepare for the day ahead. Before they know it, they have left the hostel and started making their way along the 3km hike to Monterosso, the first (or fifth) town of Le Cinque Terre. They were told that it would take them 2.5 hours and it’s not until they start puffing and the sweat starts rolling off them that they realise it is a fairly accurate estimate.
The Mel: “Wow, these stairs are absolute killers! I think we’ll take the damn train back if it’s going to be like this for the entire 12km!”
Chopmeister: “Yep, I’m sure glad I didn’t wear my cool disco threads today.”
Lenny Z: “Pump, pump the jam..”
All: “Pump it up….”
Thanks Lenny Z. The four wind their way through the inland trail, chatting as they pant up and down the stone staircases and pass other eager hikers. From time to time the trail swings outward and they have amazing views of the coast surging towards them, the beautiful blue-green water sitting around the dark cliffs looking alluring as the sweat cascades down their faces to the dirt below. They finally come to a point where they can see Monterosso below and they have to stop to admire the rainbow of houses crowded around the hills and the local and tourist populated beaches below.
Omid: “Wow, that’s pretty spectacular”
The Mel: “Hurrah! We’re nearly at Le Cinque Terre! I have to remember to message Spunk to rub it in her face.”
Snuffy: “Well, let’s get down there, I’m starving! We need some lunch before we start the actual trail.”
The four make their way down into Monterosso and wind through the beachgoers to find a small café where they have lunch. They order a pasta each for lunch and are introduced to the most amazing pesto of their lives.
The Mel: “This pesto spaghetti is amazing! You have to try it. I’ve never had pesto like this before!”
Omid: “Well, apparently the area is renowned for its pesto, so you made a wise decision.”
The Mel: “I don’t think I can eat pesto again, this is just a mouth orgasm.”
Lenny Z: “I kissed a girl…”
After letting their lunch digest the four decide to make a move – it’s now 2pm and the track is supposed to take about 5 hours…not leaving much time before dusk. They pay their €5 to walk the trek through the national park they start the trail that begins inland, but winds its way back to the coast and its jaw-dropping views. The horizon line is hazy and the setting sun is reflecting off the almost still ocean eliciting an amazing sense of WOW. The cliffs move in and out of the ocean, the green of the national park butting up against the blue-green water and every so often, the coloured towns where houses cluster together seemingly defiant of the lack of space found in the portion of land making its way out to sea.
The Mel: “This is just awesome. It is so beautiful! I’m so glad I’ve finally made it here.”
Chopmeister: “I’m so glad you made me come here The Mel, it’s amazing! As much as I can’t wait to change back into cool disco threads, I could stay here for a long time taking in scenery.”
Lenny Z: “I kissed a girl…”
Chopmeister: “Dammit Lenny Z! Stop it! It’s a crap song! It’s so annoying. It’s kinda like but nowhere near as cool as….”
Lenny Z: “This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends..”
The Mel: “Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was…”
This went on for some time as Lenny Z pulled out some old 80s albums, many involving the word “booty”. Sometimes you can never predict what that little lemming is going to play. The four continue to wind their way through the amazing five towns that hug the coastline, stopping in Vernazza for gelati and a lie down on the beach, where Omid brings out some tight-hugging-but-thankfully-not-quite-budgie-smuggling briefs to roll around in the water and sand feeling but not exactly looking like Heidi Klume. Yes ladies, he’s single AND he’s a fireman.
At the beach the four meet up with Alison, another girl from the States who is coincidentally sharing a room with The Mel and Snuffy, so they five partake in some relaxation and chatting on the beach before heading back to the trail. They wind their way through the towns, passing Corniglia for more gelati and then finding the walk to the remaining two towns, Manarola and Riomaggiore, pleasantly easy. Along the way they chat to some Canadians (amongst others) and continue to say “Buongiorno” to dozens of people where hi or hello would most likely have sufficed. On the last stretch from Manarola to Riomaggiore they walk Via dell’Amore, the street of love where they come across a structure of kissing figures surrounded by hundreds of locks…
Snuffy: “Look at all the locks!”
Random guy with a guide book: “Yeah, it’s a famous point where people put locks on the fence, made famous by a book, apparently.”
The Mel: “Oh yeah, you lock your love to the area. I remember something about that.”
The four take photos and wearily make their way to their final destination, Riomaggiore train station, when Lenny Z pulls out an old classic…
Lenny Z: “I like big butts and I cannot lie…”
Omid: “You other brothers can’t deny…”
The Mel: “….when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist…”
Snuffy: “….and a round thing in your face, you get…”
All: “SPRUNG”
Ah, good times. They buy their train tickets and despite a small mishap which saw one ticket flutter down to the water below, they board the train and make their way back to Levanto and organise to go out for dinner.
Omid: “So we’ll meet in half an hour or so?”
Chopmeister: “Awesome. I’ll have a shower and change into some cool disco threads and meet you downstairs.”
The four meet up and head out for dinner and a cocktail. One cocktail down and they find that they are so tired that they head back for the hostel and go straight to bed. The next morning Chopmeister and Omid take a boat out to Portofino and The Mel and Snuffy have a relaxing day in, until receiving a frantic phone call from Chopmeister…
Chopmeister: “Oh my God! The most hilarious thing has just happened! Me and my cool disco threads just got off the boat, and Omid was just behind us, and then he wasn’t. He’s not here. I don’t think he got off the boat.”
The Mel: “Are you sure you are at the right place?”
Chopmeister: “Yes I’m sure! I’m in Levanto in my cool disco threads and Omid for some reason stayed on the boat. He is so the biggest doosh in the universe. He is going to cop a big teasing for this…”
As Snuffy and The Mel are on their way to the beach, they caught up with Chopmeister and laugh heartily at Omid’s mistake. They hope that he can get back in time for a beach party that is on later that night. Snuffy and The Mel go for a swim and test out Snuffy’s underwater camera as Chopmeister lies on the beach and giggles to herself at Omid’s stupidity. Heading back they run into Omid…
Chopmeister: “You idiot! Why didn’t you follow me and my cool disco threads off to the right stop? What where you doing?”
The Mel: “DOOSH FIVE!!”
Doosh five between The Mel and Omid. Omid explains to the trio how he thought it was the last stop and paused to take a few photos and then realised that the boat was moving away from the shore again…taking him to Riomaggiore where he got a train. After some laughs the four meet up with Alison and head back out to dinner at a pizzeria which serves up the delicious simple thin-crusted pizza that somehow doesn’t make it to any Italian restaurant outside Italia. The night wears on as the four get into conversation about various things, from particle physics, HIV transmission and T-cells, the specifics and legalities of CPR and a discussion on why science and religion are not necessarily mutually exclusive…obviously The Mel is bored out of her brain as she wonders why people don’t talk about shoes…
The five then head to find the beach party that Chopmeister and her cool disco threads are aching to join, to be thoroughly disappointed to find that there is no spoon beach party and make their way to a bar. They play questions and categories and laugh into the night until they can barely keep their eyes open.
Morning comes and it is time to bid friends farewell. Omid and the trio say goodbye to Alison and head to the train station to catch trains. The trio just miss a train to Milan and have to wait another nearly 2 hours for the next one, until…
Train station speaker: “Special announcement: The train 176 to Milan is delayed by 1 hour and 20 minutes…”
Chopmeister: “Shit! I’m going to miss my flight! What am I and my cool disco threads going to do?”
The Mel: “It’s okay, there’s plenty of time.”
Train station speaker: “Special announcement: The train 176 to Milan is delayed by 1 hour and 55 minutes…”
The Mel: “Hmmm…we can still make it…”
Train station speaker: “Special announcement: The train 176 to Milan is delayed by 2 hours and 5 minutes…”
The Mel: “Well, you might get a night in Milan….”
After five hours at the train station, farewelling Omid (and Alison again) the trio finally climb aboard the ONLY train to Milan that day (all other trains including the one they thought they missed have been cancelled due to a strike, so was never any hope of Chopmeister catching her flight) and collapse wearily into their seats, wondering which flight Chopmeister will make. The train finally arrives at Milan three hours late and the trio make their way to the shuttle to take them to the out-of-the-way airport that Ryanair inevitably chooses to fly out of. An hour passes and finally they arrive at the airport to be pleasantly surprised to find there IS another flight to Stansted in about an hour and a half. Unfortunately Ryanair are a pack of bastards and force Chopmeister to pay for another ticket, but The Mel and Snuffy are able to get Chopmeister onto the flight. They bid her and her cool disco threads goodbye and finally head to check into their hotel in Milan.
And that, ladies and gents, is all we have time for tonight. Hopefully we might catch up with The Mel and Snuffy at some point soon, but we’ve come to the end of our time slot (and possibly your attention). Special thanks to Trenitalia and Ryanair for providing such a wonderful opportunity. Good night and see you next time!!
* For those of you wondering who exactly Funkmaster Lenny Z is, he is the DJ lemming inside Chopmeister’s head who plays random tracks at awkward times. Where would we be without him?
Levanto photos
Le Cinque Terre photos
