Have you had one of those events that have been built up with such tremendous anticipation however when it actually plays out all plans fall apart in various directions due to uncontrollable situations and you are left feeling a bit battered and crushed on the other side of it? Well I had one of those days.
I had been longing for my trip to Chiang Mai for a while; especially with how intense work has been the last few months and how desperate I am for a place of blissful relaxation. Some work colleagues were going to be there for a teacher’s conference a few days before a 4 days holiday in Cambodia so I booked tickets and looked forward to this escape with positive expectancy.
However, while I was up in the air flying to this northern Thailand city, a freak storm hit Chiang Mai and I arrived to tree branches sprawled across roads as well as no electricity or water. My longed for holiday of pampering and luxury had turned into a stay in the province! I have to admit I was not very good at hiding my disappointment, stress and heartache over this inconvenience on my much needed relaxation.
Usually I can be flexible without getting too caught up or emotional, but as the tears fell while I was laying in bed and no sleep coming to my eyes I felt completely over not having things go smoothly or according to my plan. The spoilt princess in me came out as I sobbed into my pillow not having the strength to rough it and change my expectations so that I could still enjoy myself. Self-pity was my restful resort rather than any distant silver lining. This last stress was too much for me to handle alone so I ashamably have to admit that I crumbled like the imperfect person that I am.
I’ve recognized that so many things in my life have not gone according to plan, and sometimes that is difficult for me to digest. It’s hard to trust the details when you long to have control of what might be the end results in life. I realize that my dreamy longing for an idealistic future can often get in the way of enjoying the present as I have regular waves of discouragement crash over me when things don’t seem to go my way. If only I could just trust, completely trust, rather than withdraw into the secret spaces within my mind.
There is a difference between longing and living. I think I want to start living more than longing, but that is another step outside my self-protected box that may take a lot of courage to travel into. Something to strive for anyway.
