Learning in Vipassana
It's been a long 10 days of amazing torture. The best thing I have ever done for myself. It changed the way I view the world and myself. It made me happier and more balanced in my thoughts and actions. The benefits of these 10 days have been absolutely priceless.
Recap of the journey:
Here is the daily itinerary for 10 days of our Vipassana meditation course:
0400: wake up
430-630: meditate
630-715: breakfast
800-900: Group Meditation
900-1100: Meditation
1100-1300: Lunch and rest
1300-1410: Meditation
1430-1530: Group Meditation
1530-1700: Meditation
1700-1800: tea and snack
1800-1900: Group meditation
1915-2015: Discourse
2030-2100: Meditation
2130: Lights out
How I felt each day:
Day 0.
We found the meeting site with no problems after sitting at a restaurant all morning taking advantage of reliable Internet before a 10 day hiatus. They drove us from the meeting spot in Dehradun to the actual meditation centre, perched atop a hill overlooking hills & forest in every direction. It was a beautiful and serene place. Lots of green and lots of nature, conducive to 10 days of meditating. The actual 10 days of meditating and silence were due to start that night at 8pm. Before that we needed to sign in, grab a snack, settle into our living quarters and have 1 hour of a meditation session. As we were registering, it started thundering. Not just a little, but very frequently. That turned into pouring rain and our first meditation was full of this lightning & rain. It was a surreal start, because it was the first time it had rained like this since we were in India, and with such convenient timing. I was cold all night because we didn’t bring enough clothes for this kind of weather. I was being tested from the very start. With my luck, out of all the females there, I was put in the only 3 person room, in the middle bed. The bathroom facilities were incredibly basic (you got hot water from a bucket outside and brought it in the bathroom with you to wash) and you had to share this among 3 of you. In addition, your in India, and you don't know how people are handling the diet and how their feeling. The thought of doing this for 10 days made me shudder. A rough start when you have to part with your phone, your computer, your camera, your purse & even your books & writing materials! It rained all night and I felt frozen in the AM of day 1, hardly a positive way to start such a difficult journey of self discovery....I thought to myself ‘how the hell am I going to do this’?.. the living situation, the daily schedule, the noble silence, the 10 hrs/day of meditating.....? What kind of absolute torture have I signed up for & how is this supposed to be good for me?? I am not a difficult person when it comes to food & shelter, but this is just ridiculous!! the last thing Tom said to me before we parted was 'stay strong & don't give up'....ok ill try I thought...& so it started....
PS. In comparison , Tom was in a room with just 1 other roommate who actually quit after 4 days so he had his own room for almost a week!!! He knew not to push my buttons on this one....!
Day 1.
Curious. Not realizing the length of 10 days, still not grasping how hard it will be. Lots of fidgeting, can't sit still for 10 seconds. Thoughts running wild. Monkey brain. Pain in right leg the most. Focus on breathing only- natural breath- much harder than you would expect!
Annoying room situation , actually enjoy the noble silence.
Wake up call didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Probably because 4 am is such an ungodly hour that I wasn't actually awake and I would just waddle to the meditation hall half asleep each morning, and half sleep sitting up during the early morning meditation session....
Day 2.
More realization that I have 9 days left- overwhelming. Still lots of pain in right leg + super fidgety + super monkey brain- not slowing down! Getting bored but not yet too anxious- Goenke (the main teacher/guru of Vipassana—all the daily discourses were also videos of him talking to us) said I would be wanting to run away but I'm actually not too bad today, probably because I'm not focusing and just daydreaming. Fellow meditators are really annoying & getting to me- staring lady, nun leader, bathroom hogging roommate, Hindus not respecting the rules……I seem frustrated all the time…
Day 3.
Getting worse. Still lots of pains while meditating, still monkey brain, still angry with fellow meditators, still daydreaming. I can’t seem to slow down my thoughts even after 3 days--I'm assuming most people have been able to because Goenke doesn't mention the wandering brain anymore. I realize mine is probably much harder to suppress than most.... Anxiety starts kicking in, some crying episodes (have no clue about what), can't believe 7 days are left. Want to run. Discourses always help because I feel like he is talking to me --every day my feelings really fit what he says and it gives me confidence to keep going.
Day 4.
Terrible day. This was officially the day where we were supposed to enter the teaching of Vipassana meditation. The previous 3 days were just days to prepare us with breathing techniques (Anapana meditation) and learning how to focus properly in order to sharpen our mind. On this day the focus was to learn the sensations of the body & how to observe them objectively. I seemed to understand and practice what was being taught, but I couldn’t really feel it or experience it properly. Or maybe I was? I found myself crying all the time, all day, but have no idea why. Feeling +++ anxiety & then the flow of tears starts & doesn't stop. I feel out of control. I can't seem to control any of my emotions, they are just going haywire. Incredibly scary feeling, losing control of your own thoughts & emotions. I get so anxious that I decide to go talk to the assistant teacher. Maybe he can give me some guidance. He gives me quite a simple answer: just let the tears flow whenever they come but do not concentrate on them. I was even more frustrated with his words. The whole day the heightened anxiety seemed to manifest in either uncontrollable tears or anger towards others. The other meditators seemed to anger me in a variety of ways. Either it was an unwanted glance, an unwelcome gesture, or a just anyone getting in my way, I wanted to burst. Every moment I felt on the brink of screaming, on the brink of punching someone. My rage frightened me. I don't remember any good moments from day 4. It was a dark day, a day I really contemplated all the wrong things. A day I probably could have left, but the thought of Thomas going through his own struggle next door made me stay......eventually, like all days do, day 4 passed and a new day began.
Day 5.
Now that we were actually doing the practice of Vipassana, there seemed to be more things to concentrate on with each meditation sitting. You really had to concentrate to get it right. Problem was, my brain was still a ‘monkey brain’ and it had only slowed down a little bit in the last 4 days. I was convinced that others had already tamed their brains to some extent, but I was still unsuccessful in this attempt. Mine had slowed a bit, but I would hardly say slowed down. That made the process of concentrating on what I was supposed to do that much harder. Instead, I still found myself daydreaming about the exact cravings that I was supposed to be learning not to think about! But, somehow, I felt like this daydreaming was keeping me sane. I still had a lot of pain in my right leg, and I was starting to convince myself that it wouldn't get better. Needless to say, day 5 was definitely not productive, and it showed me just how difficult it is to tame my hyperactive mind. However, near the end of the day, things improved. My roommate looked distressed, and was missing some of the meditation sessions (probably just from the physical torment of it). I felt really bad for her, and wanted to assure her that we were all struggling a lot, but I couldn't actually talk to her. Instead, I found extra motivation to finish the day on a good note and be ready for day 6. If one person was struggling, I needed to find the strength for the both of us.
Day 6.
I only remember this day vaguely. I think it was a good day. I remember some breakthroughs where I would be able to actually concentrate on the meditation, and in return certain repressed truths about myself would service. I looked at them as points of wisdom, helping me learn more about my cravings and aversions. My right leg starting getting better & I was able to sit through the 1 hour sitting intervals. I remember that a lot was still going on in my head, but I think it was shifting in a better direction--more focused and less anxiety (probably reduced from all of the crying the day before). I don't remember specifics, but I do remember that it was on the upside from day 4 or 5...
Day 7.
This was a good day. I think this was the first day I really sat still during the meditation sessions and I was in good spirits for most of the day. I noticed that not making eye contact really helped because I could focus more on myself and others were less likely to throw me off course. I finally felt over the hump and was more willing to work hard during the meditation sessions, knowing there was less time left. However, I also felt the need to stretch a bit too much. I had tried to stretch a lot on the previous days which did help significantly with being able to sit the postures properly. However, day 7 I tried to loosen a knot in my hip and I think I took it too far--- I think I pulled the muscle too loose and then it tightened up again. I got a really uncomfortable feeling in my right hip. It wasn't just pain, it felt out of place almost. I had problems with my hips & pelvis in my past running days, and I immediately catastrophized the whole situation & assumed the same problem was happening (even though, in retrospect, I was not doing the same activity in any way). All of a sudden, my hip was unbearable to deal with. My mind just escalated the whole situation 10 fold. It hurt to sit, it hurt to stand, it hurt to lay down. Nothing made it comfortable. The anger and emotions returned after I had felt some progress had been achieved....
Day 8.
I went to bed with a sore hip & I expected to wake up with a sore hip. Fortunately, it felt better in the AM. Unfortunately, the comfort didn’t last long, and by late morning it was all back. I just wanted to give up. I was so close to telling my guide lady that I needed a chair to sit on or that I needed a rest in my room. But I didn't say anything. I was tormented thinking 'oh great my hip is screwed' 'I can't accomplish anything'. I was so done. Defeated & depressed, when I could tell others around me were doing well. That made me feel even worse--everyone can do it but me. The negative thinking took control and wouldn't let go. The evening session began and I had a choice to make: continue to bitch & complain in my mind or try to take the focus off my hip and try to meditate. I was frustrated with how I was acting so I decided to focus on the meditation. It was the last serious one of the day so I figured it was about time to try to do things right. Surprisingly, I was able to focus and sat through it. I got up after and walked to my room, and after a good 5 minutes, it dawned on me that there was no hip pain! Not even a pinch! It was a 180 degree improvement !!! There was no pain anywhere, like a complete release. It was so dramatic it took me a few minutes to process. All that bitching and complaining in my head, and my mind running so wild about this hip--- it caused me so much anxiety, so much anger, so much negativity, and the entire time I was convincing myself that it really was physical, maybe I should get it checked out, something is definitely wrong.......
And to think, I was proved wrong in such a direct way. It really was all in my head & I really did build it up so much more than it had to be. I really did wind my brain in knots so tight that the mental manifested into the physical. And the moment that I purified and calmed myself mentally, the moment I concentrated my mind on something good, sharpened it, the knots were unwound and the pain dissipated. The message became so clear it brought me to tears. All of a sudden I felt lighter, and like others who probably experienced it before me, I had my real breakthrough-- the clear moment where I saw just how powerful my mind really is & just how dangerously I can steer it in the wrong direction, steer it to pain and misery and stress and negativity, instead of being happy and focusing on all the good in my life. The tears flowed again, this time tears of happiness. What an amazing day. It was really the first time I actually experienced how tortured my mind can be, and I didn't just understand it intellectually. I saw it, I FELT IT. I EXPERIENCED it in myself. I cannot explain to you how much wisdom and how much truth was in that small moment. It was so significant, so clear. I knew the next 2 days I would work hard and progress as much as I could. Day 8 made me a believer & convinced me to commit to meditation on a daily basis after this 10 day experience.
Day 9.
I woke up with a sore hip. Instead of pouting and complaining, I went to the morning meditation session sleepy but determined. Unfortunately, the past few nights of crappy sleep had taken their toll and my morning was less than productive. Nonetheless, by late morning the hip was good again and didn’t cause me any more troubles after that. The rest of the day was very productive and I made use of my time. I was to go through the motions, concentrate on the motions, and get absorbed in the whole process. I could feel the energy of it all and the freeing feeling of 'untying the knots'. We were told that we were allowed to talk midday day 10 so I knew focusing on day 9 was very important. But I had hit that moment of truth already, so I was already content no matter how the rest of the time went. I found that moment of clarity, and that moment was convincing enough that I knew I would find the motivation to continue this in the future. I experienced the benefits first hand and that was the convincing factor. I felt like I was going into day 10 victorious.... So much further and better than I thought I would be after these 10 days.
Day 10.
Day 10 just flowed. Funny enough, I was more hungry on this day because I definitely expended more energy chatting & just feeling excited about the hard journey being over. I wasn’t incredibly productive on this day, probably with all of the talking and excitement buzzing around. Surprisingly, the moment I was able to talk, I didn’t burst into non-stop chatter trying to catch up on 10 days of silence. I was actually incredibly subdued, and it took me some time to really get into the mode of talking. Many of us shared our experiences, and there were plenty of similarities and differences. It was clear that the journey was different for everyone, but just as beneficial. Everyone was beaming with happiness. It was incredible. I almost didn’t recognize Tom after not seeing his face for 10 days. It actually felt awkward looking at him! The first thing he said to me when he saw me was that I 'looked happy'.
I didn't know what to expect coming into this but I really didn’t expect such amazing results. I thought I would get some benefit, be a bit calmer, more positive. But I definitely didn’t expect to see the world in a completely different angle, in a bright light that I didn’t know existed. I didn't expect to actually feel tightly wound up knots release completely and feeling positive vibrations all over my body. I didn't know my body could feel this way, this different, this calm, this free. I can't explain it properly in words, its just not something that you can really explain or intellectualize, it's only something you can feel & experience inside. It's a happiness, it is a freedom I didn't know I had, I didn't know any of us could have. I'm still me but I'm just a better me in every way--in every thought, in every action, in every idea and in every goal. This was the best thing I have ever done for myself, the best self help book anyone could get. Experience it and you will know it, it's not enough to read about it and to think you know it. That just isn't the same thing. It's not the same sensation, it is not the same truth. We are all ignorant until we actually feel it ourselves. It's the same with medicine-- we intellectualize it & think we know what someone is feeling or thinking, but until we experience it ourselves we really have no idea. A textbook can only tell us some of the story, only experience can do the rest. Your outlook on life changes when you see things as they really are. No games, no gimmicks, no made up ideas, just reality as it is. The beautiful & the right way to look at life.
Overall how I deault with it---
There were only 2 days out of the 10 where I felt a pain of slight hunger going to bed. Otherwise, the vegetarian meals were very good and filling enough. We really do eat too much these days. We can be so much healthier & so much more productive with less. The 4am wake ups were rough, but doable only because there was 2 hours of sitting and meditation right when you got up, so falling asleep sitting up became a common occurrence. As for the 9-930 pm bedtime, you were so exhausted by that time anyways from such a long day that it was easy to fall asleep (the only things that really kept you up were bodily pains!). The roommate situation was rough, not sure if I really got used to that. The meditation sessions were long and painful. Realistically, the whole romantic idea of meditation is totally false. You get bored quickly, your mind wanders, your joints & extremities hurt, you are easily frustrated with every distraction or inability to focus.--hardly the peaceful calm that you expected. But, that calm and that concentration eventually come, it just takes work. With each sitting it takes work, but when you get it right, when you are successful, it is something altogether surreal. Not good, not bad, just real, which is the way it all should be.
Overall impressions: Before & After
I feel so different. In every respect. In everything I do and think. I smile before I frown; people are easier to communicate with; colors are brighter; I see beauty in things I never saw before; I have this urge to spread goodness, not greed. Do I still have aches & pains? Ofcourse, but I don't react to them so strongly now. Do I still dislike things & can things make me angry? Ofcourse they will! I am not preaching that from now on I will be happy all the time no matter what. Ups & downs will always be there, but I know I need to appreciate the ups more and deal with the downs better. There is no need to exude so much anger, so much hate, so much resistance. It won't change what happens, it will just affect me adversely. Do I still have an urge and a need to travel? Yes, I have to admit the need is there, but its calmer now. I don't need to go everywhere as fast as possible. I want to take my time and appreciate everything for longer. I still think travel is an amazing gift and makes me richer, but I will focus on quality versus quantity from now on. It's only been 2 days since we left the course, and we just stepped back into the real world again. I have to remember to deal with stresses differently & to continue developing what I've learned. The challenge is not over & I know I have to work at it. I plan to do that & I believe in this so strongly that I really think I will. And so the test begins...
