So it is now official: we really are taking the year off to explore and discover. They have approved everything at work, the parents now know and are furious, and we have begun to collaborate with many people across the globe. I have never been more scared in my life. I find myself having mini panic attacks about the whole thing- where do we live? where will we go? How will I afford all of this? What will I get out of this? All the questions that seemed fairly easy to answer before this decision was final are now slapping me in the face and ever more frightening. I have had this dream for a long time: to see the world (or at least a good part of it) through my own eyes, my own perspective, my own vision. My brain has been twisted around this idea for as long as I can remember. On a long train ride watching the rice fields in Vietnam; experiencing the colors and sights of India; watching lions race across the vast expanse of Africa; meeting people who live and think a world away from me. I always thought that when this sort of thing finally happened (I vowed in my heart that it would be sooner rather than later) that I would know exactly what I want to do, where I want to go and how I want to do it. But now, sitting here in my living room, I have more questions than answers. I have discussed so many ideas with others, but I think I am just talking to make myself feel better. In reality I am confused and lost about how to start all of this. I have 'to-do' lists surrounding me with so much to do and plan, but I am overwhelmed with the thought of actually doing it all. I hope that once I receive a few responses back from people it will set my course in a more directed way.
As of now, it is our first week off work. I have successfully completed my first year of residency, my intern year, in which I did a bit of psychiatry/internal medicine/pediatrics/general surgery/neurology/neurosurgery/obstetrics & gynecology/emergency medicine. It has been a difficult and important year for me: for the first time ever I finally feel more confident with my medical abilities. For the first time I actually feel that I could do some good and help someone in need. As a student I was just filled with paralyzing fear thinking I could never learn or know enough medicine to do any good. So I now I am just sitting around waiting (hoping) to get this locum position in Haematology for the next few months before our adventure begins. The world isn't free!
I have been asked a lot this month about my goals for this year. Some ask with true empathy and curiosity, others with a sense of cynicism. Although I have trouble outlining my year abroad in concise points the way a clinical rotation is laid out, I do generally know what I want out of it in a broader sense:
1) Awareness- I am still in the phase of my life where my opinions and perspectives are moldeable. That's not to say that at an older age they wouldn't be, but we all know that it gets more difficult with age. Being present, seeing and interacting with different environments directly, will give me a different look at everything, and hoping it will make me a better person overall.
2) Knowledge- Everyone has something new and different to offer. Wherever I am, whoever I interact with, whatever I do teaches me something new and indispensable. It may be small or big, or seem irrelevant, but you never know what you will find important in the future.
3) Experience- One learns and understands faster when thrown into an unknown environment. We feed off of body cues, helpful hints, a strangers generosity and from what we hope is shear whit to get us by. I remember the first few months of internship, I was scared out of my mind, not really understanding the system yet or what role I played in it. However, in retrospect, it was a good thing for me- I have never learned medicine so fast!!! Volunteering opportunities in Africa, India, and Southeast Asia would probably provide a similar learning experience and I would value that greatly.
4) Appreciation- Let's face it, Tom and I will be without any kind of salary for 1 full year. Sure we may work a bit in St. John's and Australia during this year, and sure we have some loan money to our disposal, but realistically, we will be quite broke! Mom and dad will not be helping out and we are now adults so all of our usual costs of living have to be deault with by US. I have been quite independent financially since the end of high school, but mom and dad have always pitched in to help with loan interest payments, textbooks, a little bit extra on special occasions. This time we don't expect anything from anyone, and I suspect that once the year is over, now matter how amazing it was, we will be grateful to come back to our job security and the amazing opportunities of residency training. However, without this experience, I definitely would never reach that level of appreciation for what I have.
5) Career- I have only been at this for a year and I do enjoy psychiatry as a specialty. However, I was also interested in other rotations this year too. What do I want to do with my professional career? Am I supposed to know already? I hope not because I am still lost in the clouds! I am very fortunate to be where I am but, like many others in this world, I still don't know what direction to take in medicine or psychiatry for that matter. I know I still have time but what if I don't discover it the way I want to by just working in Newfoundland for 5 years? I have always had an exploring spirit, so wouldn't it sound reasonable that my career path direction would also come with some exploration? This year can help me better understand my wants, my needs and what contributions I can make to others. I believe it will make me a better person in my professional career, as well as overall. Stepping outside the box has always put me where I want to be.
6) An extra hand- I am hoping that some of my medical knowledge and experience can go further in terms of volunteering options. I can provide more than a smile and nice gesture (not at all undermining how important that is). I can help in a variety of medical ways whether its suturing up a hand or being able to differentiate serious from benign. I have been provided with a level of knowledge that can go a long way if used appropriately. I want to help and I want to know what it feels like to really help. A help for someone who needs not just wants. Interpret that however you please, but there are many people in this world who really desperately NEED our help and have lost the energy to even ask for it or want it. I have seen very little REAL NEED in the world that I have grown accustomed to. I think I would really reach a level of fulfillment in my life to know that I have REALLY helped those in need.
7) "SUPERSTAR"- As my dad so angrily reacted to me telling him about this upcoming year. He asked me if I wanted to be a superstar? Do I always need to be the center of attention? Do I always feel the need to outdo myself? His words were very negative but they also got me thinking......Would I like to write a blog about my experiences? Sure, why not?......Will I post pictures on facebook at some point? Probably......
What exactly is the wrong in that?! I want others to see the world through my eyes so they themselves see the need to explore, to help, to yearn for the experience. Maybe if less of us had beautiful porsches and Beemers and donated more money to charity or did some volunteer work the world would be a better place? Maybe if we all wanted to interact with one another in many different environments we would not have such fear and hatred towards one another? Maybe if we all stepped out of our box every once in a while there would be NO BOXES. So as angry and upset as my parents were that first conversation, discussing it with them made me realize even more how much I want to do this and how much I would like to pave the way for others to understand and appreciate everything we do and have. So yes dad, i would love to be a superstar!
I better wrap this up. I am known for LENGTHY discussions on paper. This week is a waiting game and lots of research and talking to people. Hoping next week will provide us with some more concrete information and I will be able to start the locum job soon! Cross your fingers folks!
I decided to keep these beginning entries about a month apart. I am sure you do not want to hear me complaining about this waiting game too often!
This first entry was not even written in blog format yet, hope to get it started with my good friend Monica Lewin soon !!! so the first entry was written much earlier than the posting shows!
Anyways folks, that's all for now, All the best!
