Well as embarrassing as this story will be it can't be worse than Sammie Cassel in Peru. Since Dan J. is the only one that knows what that is a reference to, he is the only one who knows where this story is going. So yesterday was Sunday, I was forced to get up early because a student was calling me to come help paint. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the help but her idea of helping was showing up at 7:30 in the a.m. Sunday is my one day a week to sleep in till like 2 p.m. and I take advantage of it every chance I can get. So I rolled out of bed and began putting the 3rd coat of paint on my walls. Of course the Chinese penchant for eating a healthy breakfast clashes with mine for eating no breakfast. So of course my student is reminding me that I must eat breakfast, so of course to spite her I proceeded to eat some Golden Oreo's and drink a coke Finn had brought me. This would not only constitute my breakfast but also my lunch. Also of the course of the rest of the day I would end up drinking four more cokes, some of them not by choice. On Sunday's I have four English club meetings back-to-back from 2-6. About halfway through my throat was pretty dry and I had forgot a water bottle, so one of my students graciously offered to go buy me a water. She returned however with a coke. So I am not necessarily saying that my poor eating habits lead to what is to come, because if anything you would think I would have vomited and broke my 9 year no vomit streak, it was actually much worse.
So around 5 a.m. on Monday morning I woke up and immediately sprinted to the bathroom so I could have diarrhea run out of me like water for like 20 minutes. I had to drink two bottles of water just to rehydrate myself. So I took some medicine and went back to bed hoping I would be better in 3 hours for class. That was a false hope. So I rolled out of bed with my stomach roiling. Since I had been painting all my windows were open, and it had rained during the night and dropped like 10 degrees during the night (that's Centigrade). So my apartment, with its cement walls and ceramic tile floors, was an icebox. So I was literally shivering as i was showering all the while thinking I am going to die. I felt miserable and I knew I couldn't skip my class, I could if I wanted to but the English department is not the brightest bulb in the box would have lost their minds scheduling a makeup. So I split my class into groups and I am just making them do tons of group work because I don't want to talk or even think at this point. With 7 minutes left in class, trust me I looked at the clock, it happened I sneezed. Now your thinking a sneeze I waited all this time for a sneeze. Next time you sneeze try and notice how your body reacts, all the muscles of your upper body tense and all the muscle of your lower body loosen to allow you to ride out the violent contraction that is a sneeze. Now your Anus is controlled by two sphincters the inner which is involuntary and the outer which is voluntary. So when you are trying not to poop your pants it is the outer you are mentally contracting. So during the course of my sneeze I lost concentration for a split second and something slipped through my defenses. You know its funny Princess Leia told Grand Moff Tarkin, "The harder you squeeze your fist the more star systems will slip through your fingers." You can practice this at home, just put some water in your hand and make a fist, the harder you squeeze the more slips out right. Well this is the exact opposite for the external anal sphincter, the harder you squeeze the less gets out. Instead it just piles up in front of the door like 13 year old girls at a Twilight premier. As soon as those doors open just a fraction you got girls screaming and trying to push through. No I was able to immediately close the door again, but the damage was already done.
Now you might be wondering in terms of the amount that slipped through. I will tell you it was negligible. Remember I hadn't seen anything solid all day. So there I was trying to finish up class so I could run home use the bathroom change drawers and run back for my next class. That is exactly what I did. At this moment my stomach is still upset, and because of that I have gotten more exercise today than any other day of my life. Not because pooping is a workout but getting to an actual toilet is. So I got up this morning walked down 7 flights of stairs, walked up the hill, and then up 5 flights. Left class walked down 5 flights, down the hill, and up 7 flights. Back down 7 flights, up the hill and up 6 flights this time. Left class walked down 6, down the hill and up 7. After a bathroom break walked back down 7, across the street for some egg and tomato noodles, then back up 7 flights. I have walked up or down 64 flights of steps, that is roughly 18 steps per flight, so 1150 steps, plus 2 hills, and I am getting ready to leave again. By the way I am completely exhausted because all my nutrients are being washed right out of my body and I didn't sleep well, thanks to cold and diarrhea. So I just wanted to let you guys know, that I am having the time of my life in China, don't be jealous.
I finished painting today I will have a small video going up for that soon.
