I have some bad news for everybody today, *deep breath* I am sorry this is hard to say, but last night I had a dream that told me to break up with my girlfriend and so I woke up and did it. Now first let me answer the questions that you invariably have.
1.) Josh you had a girlfriend? I didn't know that. What girl would be drunk or blind enough to date you, wait was it Helen Keller, cause if it was wow you dated a famous chick. Yes I did have a girlfriend but we kept our love a secret because its a personal thing and we just didn't feel like sharing it yet. Second I am pretty sure Helen Keller is dead and it is a horrible thing for you to say Dan, I hope Jamie slaps you. As a side not Jamie I had no idea Dan would respond that way and I hope you know I had no part in his retard bashing. I also resent the fact that I could only get a woman to date me if she was drunk and/or blind, there is are many scenarios in which a woman would date me. Off the top of my head, I or my parents paid her money (see "Failure to Launch" and I apologize for having seen a Matthew Mcconaughey.), also she could be from a foreign country (wink, wink nudge, nudge) and not realize that I was not exactly the upper echelon of available men in the American market. That is pretty much all I got...what did I mention the blind thing, yeah I did. Which by the way I don't really buy the blind thing because I am pretty sure my bad looks translate into braille just as easily. So just stop bashing me and my lady friend till you get all the facts.
2.) Seriously you had a dream in which you were told to break up with your girlfriend and you did it. Are you like a huge moron? I don't mean huge, fat cause that is obvious, but huge in the size of moronic actions. Yes I did have a dream and before you deride me you should understand dreams are real and they have power. With that disclaimer in mind, next will follow and amusing anecdote that may seem to contradict the earlier statement but in really doesn't it just proves I am dumb. So two nights ago I dreamed Luke had a van, and that van turned out to be just like Christine ( Check imdb.com). So said van became jealous because Luke started looking at other modes of transportation a bicycle in particular, so it kidnapped him. So of course I, being a police detective, along with my partner Daniel Craig pulled in this van for interrogation. Only when we were questioning it it was not a van but like a 1920's "Pierce Arrow" (see any Prohibition Era Gangster film). After we discovered the car was evil we found a way to talk to it. We took a tuning fork and rapped it on the table and that in turn tuned the forks we had shoved in our ears and that in turn tuned into the cars thought frequency. Yes that is a scientific fact that Casey will most assuredly back me up, you will right, pal, buddy, friend? However as the car was about to tell us the were she stashed Luke my alarm went off. Luke is obviously buoyed by the fact that Daniel Craig is still on the case. So yes dreams are real and can hold in them nuggets of truth that should be followed.
3.) Wait you had a girlfriend, how did you find a girl drunk enough or blind enough to date you. Wait was it Helen Kel... "OK wait I already answered this one pay attention, next question."
4.)So we believe you had a girlfriend, kind of, and the dream stuff, maybe, but if a girl was "brave" enough to date you, why would you do something stupid like dump her, nad don't give that dream stuff again." Well a wise man once said, "If you love something you have to let it go and if it loves you it will return. Or it will sue you for reading her mail, going through her trash, "accidentally bumping" into her on Thanksgiving night at her parents house how were you to know she was going to be there it was fate telling us we should get back together. i swear I haven't been sitting in my car right down the street waiting for you to come over here all day, and seriously is this the last place you came on Thanksgiving were have you bee all day. Are your parents that unimportant to you, or have you been at another man's "Ok going to stop you right there, calm down and back away from the keyboard." The real truth is she broke up with me, but like a boss that fires you, you "quit" before he fires you. That is what happened she dumped me so I retconned (if you don't know what that means go read a comic book like "The Sentry")my dram and breaking up with her into existence before she dumped me. So I am owning it and if anybody as I dumped her.
So out there right now in China, is a lovely young lady named Rebecca and I broke her heart tonight. I felt powerful and cruel at the same time. I took control of my life but ruined another at the same time. I don't know if she will ever recover from this I can only hope she does someday, before her child rearing years have passed her by. It's kind of sad knowing you have crushed another person and her only fault was loving you, maybe too much. Having been there before I know her pain, I mean I was never dumped by a person as awesome as me. I mean seriously I got a lot of stuff going for me like... hold on I am thinking. I mean beside the Matt Damon like good looks, I got a great job, well not really its a foreign country, doesn't pay well, and will end in 9 months and I have no clue if I will be asked back. I am educated, i have attended an institute of higher learning. Some people (Bryan Killgrove) might tell you just attending a University is not as important as actually graduating from it, and to that I say nay. Supposedly graduates have the chance at a better job and a higher salary bracket, poppycock. All I need to do is look to the NFL and NBA, 97% of those guys don't have college degrees and most of them are in the top 50% of earners in the world and some are in the top 3%. So college degree smollege degree. I am also a hilarious guy, don't believe than read a post or watch a video seriously I make at least one person laugh, don't believe me just ask Casey. So let's see really really really really really ridiculous good looking, check, great job, check, intelligent and funny, check, oh and I also have good personal hygiene,I mean I hired a cleaning lady I like to keep my stuff clean. So if Rebecca is reading this I apologize as she is probably just crying more know, cause I basically just threw in her face all the greatest she can't ave know, sorry. Sarah just let her put her head in your lap and stroke her hair as she sobs uncontrollably over the next 7 to 12 seconds, because they say it takes half the amount of time you spent in a relationship with a person to get over them. Once again don't believe me see "Sex and the City"and once again I apologize for having watched that show, trust me it was against my will, I'd rather have watched "Friends". You all know I'd rather stick toothpicks under my toe nails then watch friends, seriously that show is just awful, but I won't go into that now.
I do however want to mention the Chinese Lady that knocked on my door at 11:00 a.m. today. I was still asleep, yes I know 11:00 a.m. but Luke, Finn and I had stayed up late listening to football so I went to bed at like 3:30 a.m. So I answer the door in my pajamas which per usual one right sock and a t-shirt nothing else, I get old when I sleep that why I use the t-shirt. This Chinese lady is standing at my door, I have never met here before of course and she begins to go on and on in Chinese I assume. So I replied "ting bu dong" which literally means I hear you but ain't go no clue what you saying can't you see I just rolled out of bed am half naked and do not really care. She did know a few English words though and I deduced she wanted me to tutor her child this afternoon at 2. HAving already been clued in about the possibility of this occurrence I did the only smart thing, I played dumb and after 5 minutes she gave closed my door and began knocking on Finn's door. So like the good friend that I was I ran to my phone and texted Finn and let him know no to answer the door and then I gave him a sitrep ( I have been playing "Modern Combat"). So I went back to bed thinking all was good. To my sleep addled brain it never occurred to me that you would walk all they way up to the 7th floor without stopping at the 4th floor first. So about 10 minutes later my phone wakes me, it is Luke. Apparently this lady had called in reinforcements, because her whole family was standing in Luke's living room trying to get him to tutor this child. Luke asked me if I was interested in tutoring I said no, he laughed said he didn't think so. Later I found out it took almost 40 minutes and a call to Lily so she could talk to the mom to finally get her out Luke's apartment. Which of course I attributed to Luke actually knowing Chinese and trying to carry on a conversation with them, the key is to frustrate them and not by arguing. Chinese people argue everyday about everything to each that doesn't frustrate them its a normal part of life. However being unable to communicate with someone and there by unable to argue frustrates them, so 1 point for me for having learned no Chinese cause I cheated off of Amanda in Chinese Class. Who'd have thought cheating was the right call, I did. "So here endeth the lesson". Sean Connery...anybody...from "The Untouchables" I made reference to a Prohibition Era film earlier in the post jeez you guys need to brush up on your movie trivia.
Editor's Note: I would like to clarify something, Josh at no time was dating a girl named Rebecca. I apologize to all women named Rebecca, it is a travesty to think one of you could have dated a blatant slanderer like Josh. I was unable to edit this post before it was posted, therefore I could not stop the error.
Author's Note: First off slander is spoken when it is in print it is called liable, so there. You are meanie head for telling on me and a tattletale and nobody likes tattletales, so there again.
