It's the day before I leave Paris and I can't describe what has happened to me here--because I don't even think I understand the depth and profoundness of it and probably won't until months after I get home. But, I do know this: I am not coming home the same person. Or perhaps I am and for the first time I have true awareness of who that is and the beauty of who she is.
My entire life, since a very young child, I've known I was "different"--I never felt like I fit in no matter where I was--even in my own family. I've been fighting that for 31 years. I've been hiding her for 31 years. Every now and then, I'm sure someone gets a "peep" at who she is--who I am--but the full story? Almost noone knows it--most of all, Me.
I came here and opened a book to write about her and instead I read one. I tried to take a photo of who she is and instead had my photo taken. Yesterday I think I saw myself for the first time ever maybe. Seeing yourself in a still moment is one thing. Seeing yourself in a video is a whole other thing.
I watched this tiny little person with a very delicate 'way' about her with big deep eyes that told a story that only I knew the words to. I saw her mouth move--the one she always thinks so awkwardly large for her face. I heard her laugh and watched her throw her head back so familiarly when she did. And I liked the sound of it.
The big mouth complimented the big eyes and the laugh couldn't be mistaken for anything BUT sincere. She's thinner than I thought. All that worry about maybe not being perfect or my ass being too big looks like it might have taken a toll. Time for more pastries! YAY!
What I saw was someone beautiful. Not at all like the person I've envisioned her to be. Someone that someone else chose another woman over. No...that's not what I saw. I looked for a "little girl"--there wasn't one to be found. I looked for a sad girl. She wasn't there either.
I did see a Woman--truly Alive and Beautiful--even on a day that she would classify as a "bad hair, bloated tummy" day. She was Beautiful--and Elegant. She didn't have large breasts, nope. Didn't look like it hurt her. She didn't have perfect teeth, but it didn't take one lightness away from her smile. She didn't have perfect skin or a button nose, but she looked Happy. On the inside. Truly Happy. No "poor me" face on.
Just one Happy and Alone girl.
Happy at last just being alone with one truly amazing person: Her.
