I'm sitting in Horley (a little town outside of London) in a hotel that hotels.com ranked "4 stars". I'd give it a .75, but who's counting? It's a total dump and something weird inside me likes it.
I'm having dinner in their little hotel restaurant. It's nearly 10pm--everyone here eats so late-it's weird, but I kind of like it too.
I took some time tonight to read through some of the journalings from my trip--some of them which I'll share, some of them are even more personal than the ones posted which I know are already getting some "hmmms".
What I've noticed through the course of the writings is a move toward Peace. Funny thing is that I really don't think it's because I was just getting used to being in "vacation" mode. This little "vacation" has proved to be full of it's own little stresses, but what I've seen is how I've processed through them and how they have not processed ME. Well, the first couple of days they did, as at least one of you knows from my sobbing phone call.
Worse things happened and there were harder days than that one, but I pushed harder too and challenged myself in a mental way that I'm not sure I ever have before.
My worst business fears happened while I was here--actually three or four of them and after a bit I just started laughing when the next pile of shit hit the fan. And it's honestly the best thing that could have happened. Had everything gone smoothly and just as planned (which almost nothing did), I wouldn't have the knowledge that I have now of how to deal with it and I would have some false notion that going on an international vacation for 3 weeks would be easy while trying to manage 6 projects with an intern and an "out of town" project manager running the show. But, we made it work. And it didn't kill more than a few hours of smiles on me in three weeks. I'd say that was pretty good.
I'm AMAZED at how I feel. I'm amazed at each and every small miracle that has been happening every day--the past couple of days being truly AWEsome. I definitely saved the 'best for last'. More on that later...
But tonight--as I lay here in this little London bed--on my way home from my "dream trip" and the one that I couldn't die without taking--I smile at the difference and the power that these three weeks have had on me. I feel more than amazing. I feel peaceful. I feel loved. I feel in awe of myself. I feel strong. I feel sexy again. I feel talented and creative.
I'm ready to play some music when I get home. I'm ready to paint. I'm ready to take more pictures. I'm ready to get in the water. I'm ready to stand up on a surf board. I'm ready to kick some ass at work. I'm ready to play the piano. I'm ready to sing in public. I'm ready to be balanced. I'm ready to be stable. I'm ready to love and be loved again. I'm ready to be alone. I'm ready to be home.
I'm ready to be Me.
