there are some people who come into our lives for just a moment. one little tiny breath of a moment--just to give us something that we need--and then like angels, they leave.
he was my angel, and with his wings he helped to bring mine back to me.
i was standing at the arc de triomphe on the champs-elysees on a really beautiful but hot day mid week of my last week. i had just taken pictures of a young 'honey-mooning' couple--sweetly kissing their way through my shoot.
i was on my way to the eiffel tower--by way of foot...(which, in case you don't know Paris--ISN'T close-by). only i didnt know where i was going.
he was standing near the rail of a bridge--with a very calm smile on his face and both arms stretched out leaning on the rails of the bridge looking up to the sky. very confident...very happy looking...very tall dark black young man.
i approached him to see if he knew where the eiffel tower was. he had a beautiful french accent from africa (quite a combo) and spoke very softly to tell me that he, in fact, was looking for it too, but had no idea where it was. we looked on my map together to see if we could figure it out, but neither had a clue. i thanked him and walked away to find someone else to ask.
i found a local that explained to me how to get there and as i turned around, he was standing nearby looking up at the arc de triomphe. i motioned to him that i knew where it was and then i started in the way of it. he walked up next to me just like we had always been going there together. it was very comfortable to allow him to be there with me--even when i had preferred not to have anyone with me the entire time.
it was quiet for a while--which was really nice. no 'forced' conversation or the feeling that it was 'needed'. just two wanderers wandering in an unknown direction toward something that we couldn't yet see.
after a few minutes we started talking about where we were from, etc...and the conversation led to why we were both in paris. he being from africa and living in geneva as a student, was there to go to the canadian consolate to pursue living in montreal. i, as i told him, was there to learn the beauty of 'aloneness'. he asked why.
i have preferred not to share the details of my life with anyone in a long time--not to talk about the past, not talk about Todd, not talk about my hurts, etc. i just didn't want to have any focus on it really, so i've kept my mouth shut about it this entire trip. same here--i just told him that it felt 'better' to be alone. he was quiet for a moment and then said, "you mean it doesn't hurt?".
hmmmm....so he was maybe a mind reader and not an angel. or both.
in some strange way, similar but differently to how i felt like i connected to Charlotte's mom, i was finding myself again speaking to someone that i believed could 'see' right into me like i was made of glass. but he went even further still--and reached into the glass and through me.
i guess the look on my face after this comment gave myself away (that i agreed that being alone doesn't 'hurt') and he asked if i would prefer that he didn't go with me to the eiffel tower. funny how in that moment, i wanted him to stay. so he did...and we walked on for a few blocks not really saying much of anything. it was nice.
the walk to the eiffel proved to be longer than both of us realized. i didn't mind at all, but i think he hadn't planned on walking so far and made some jokes about it, which lightened the mood and we just began laughing at things along the way--none of which i remember---nothing too significant, just two people laughing together and enjoying a walk. plain and simple.
we came around the corner to finally see the tower in view and it was amazing...i just stood there a little awestruck and totally in an internal moment of "wow...i'm actually standing in Paris looking at the Eiffel Tower". i guess i got lost in my head for a minute and forgot that he was there...i started taking pictures and when i was finished, began walking (TOTALLY forgetting him) and he walks up behind me and asks if he could 'see' my pictures. so i let him take the camera from me and look.
he then asked if he could take my picture under the tower.
i used to love having my picture taken. in the past year or so, i have grown to HATE having my picture taken---everytime i see a picture of myself i think i look tired, or sad...or like a woman that the man i loved with my life decided he didn't want to be with anymore. i didn't want to look at her....and have avoided having photos taken of me on this trip.
no, i didn't want him to take my picture.
i just wanted to enjoy the beauty of Paris in my photos---nothing else. but he took it anyway....and then asked why i didn't want to have it taken.
ick--more conversation i didn't want to have. and again, i didn't need to. he said, 'don't you think you're pretty?'. i didn't answer....which i guess is a clear and loud, "no". he laughed and then gave me the camera back without taking any other pictures.
we continued walking toward the tower. the day was beautiful...gorgeous silver lined clouds and a light breeze on a humid Paris day. there were TONS of people out--a very nice energy in the air---life buzzing all around, and yet this calmness inside me that i couldn't explain.
i asked him if he wanted to go to the top of the tower, and he looked at me like i had instead asked him if he wanted to jump off of it. obviously scared of heights. me too. two peas in a pod, but i was going anyway. time to get over that fear too.
the line was at least an hour long and the sun wasn't going to set for another 2 or 3 hours, so we instead decided to wait and walked into a quiet little park next to a pond right under the eiffel. he found a spot in the shade. i found a spot in the sun. the spots weren't together. it didn't matter. neither of us moved to be next to the other, but i never felt like he was 'gone'.
i can't even describe the 'perfectness' of this moment. i love sitting in the grass. not ON the grass. IN the grass. not ON a blanket. IN the grass. cold a little damp where i can feel the clay of the ground in my toes when i push them down into the blades of green...which i did. over and over. i love the smell of the ground..and the grass....and i loved watching little birds fly in and out of the eiffel's structure like it was their private playground. there was a family of ducks that swam around the pond--all the while the breeze kissing me while the sun warmed me--i think i took a picture, although in THIS moment, it was completely worthless.
modesto was his name. perfect name for him. he asked again to see my camera. i thought he was taking pictures of the tower. he was taking videos--not pictures, of Me. Me lying on my back in the grass under the eiffel tower with my arms behind my head and my eyes in full gaze into the clouds with their silver hypnotic linings...my foot lightly 'beating' to the sound of the music in my head. only i had no idea that this is what he was doing. he never said a word. he never asked me to look at the camera. he never said a thing.
he brought it back and laid down near me, not next to me, but near me. he was the most non-threatening man i've ever met in my life. truly like some angelic presence there. and he was quiet. i love quiet moments.
we decided to go to dinner while we were waiting for the sunset trip to the top of the eiffel. we walked about a block down from the tower to find a nice little restaurant overlooking the Seine.
he ordered some wine for me while i was in the restroom(red of course--i'm telling you--he's a mind reader). we had the nicest conversation about his family who all still lives in africa, near the coast. i told him how i've always longed to go to africa. he invited me to visit with him sometime. i do hope that happens.
after dinner we retraced our steps back to the eiffel. the tower really is 'magical'. i can't imagine why france nearly removed it, but i'm soo glad that they didn't. it's amazing...and we stood in line for over an hour to go to the top. worth every millisecond.
as we were going up, the twinkly lights came on--again a perfect moment. it's nearly sunset--twinkling lights on the eiffel and i'm in an elevator with an angel.
not a bad day...
