To the wonderful
adopted Mums in my life: this was not intended for tears.
Put those tissues away.
Today, it has been twelve years since my Mum passed away. This
year, I feel more of an impact than I did when I hit the ten year mark. As of now,
she has been gone for as long as she was here in my life.
I have always tried to avoid discussing this, particularly when
the norm is to consider it as a ‘loss’.
I don’t come at it that way - I don’t think I ever have. Maybe wise beyond my
years, maybe avoiding dealing with grief, maybe just emotionally retarded - I’ve
never let this gap hold me back. If anything, it’s driven me further. As I near
my mother’s age I often find myself thinking that I’m living for two when a new
goal, challenge or experience comes my way. A bit of a dare really. Don’t think
I can do it because I’ve had a few stumbles? Watch me go.
I remember looking on in high school as a dear friend’s
mother lost her battle with cancer. She was lost, grieving, disconnected and
struggling with living. She became depressed and suicidal; taking risks because
she didn’t think life was worth it. I couldn’t fathom it. Her mother wouldn’t want that. Her
mother would want her to be strong and passionate. Her mother would want her to be successful, beautiful, caring,
loving and happy, just like my Mum
did. The fact that my Mum wasn’t there to tell me that every day, didn’t mean
that wasn’t what she always wanted for me. All Mums want that - they don’t need to say it.
Throughout my life, it’s not that I never heard these things.
I’ve spent the last twelve years surrounding myself with adopted mums, and one
very special mum in particular. Even now, when faced with a new situation or
environment, I still gravitate towards women in their forties, knowing the
safety to be found under their wings. Strong, sensitive, powerful, loving,
caring, gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, talented and driven women each took their
place in my life to show me what I needed to be. They showed me how to grow,
learn, fight, work, and love. They guided me to be sensitive, calm and
outrageous when I needed to be. They showed me how to cry, and they showed me
how to be brave. They showed me that I could be whatever I wanted to be, and that
there was never anything holding me back. They pushed me to achieve, and they
applauded when I did. They made sure that I took every one of my days and lived it.
Since the 30th of April 1999, I have finished
high school and two degrees. I’ve been in relationships, some successful, and others
that have been notched up to ‘experience’. I’ve met the love of my life, said ‘yes’, taken a leap of faith on a journey around the world and will get married
next year. I’ve moved out of home, moved interstate and moved overseas. I’ve
met incredible people who have become great friends, role models, ‘siblings’,
leaders and teachers. I have opened my mind to the lives, cultures and worlds
of others. I’ve become more accepting of how each person is different regardless
of their race, gender or the colour of their skin. I have had my passport
stamped in thirteen different countries, travelled solo and speak three
languages. I’ve shown my passion and dedication in every facet of my work, and
have loved improving what I do. I’ve developed hobbies and skills to show
everyone how I see the world, so that I can share it with them. I have
remembered, reflected and reminisced.
I have grown. I am
strong.
So, to those beautiful people who have shaped my life and
helped me to become the person that I am, thank you. I don’t need to tell you
who you are; you know how you have impacted me. You have been the ones to show
me that I do not lead a life with a loss, but that I have a life to be lived. You
have told me that I can be everything my Mum wanted me to be, and already am. There
is so much to be experienced every day, and I do everything I can to make the
most of them thanks to you and the love you have given me.
I’m sure she’s thanking you too.
x
