Making a beeline past the hipsters and young professionals of trendy Hackney, deep into East London, towards regional Essex, you will find a slice of the old school. Yet to be gentrified and still, on a London scale, fairly affordable to live in, boroughs such as Newham, Barking, and Dagenham still offer safe haven to the working class, as well as that very special breed; the old cockney chinwagger. Out here in the land of classic English “chippies”, and working class diners, you can still get a taste of how it used to be. While I have become fairly well adjusted to the lively, humorous and often unpredictable nature of the cockney, I, like many, am yet to understand much of what they are saying. Luckily for me, the conversations that I do get caught up in are for the most part with my neighbour Bob; a kind and often hilarious ex-tube driver, who loves to rattle off stories of the good old days. In addition I will come across the occasional old codger down on the local high street, who gaining ones attention, will insist on reciting a series of jokes in rhyming slang. While the enthusiasm thrown into these spontaneous stand up performances is entertaining, it can become a little awkward when they work out that you can’t decipher a damn thing they are saying. I have learnt to laugh politely in the pauses left by the expectant eyed, toothless codger, after what one can only assume to have been the punch line. Then, feigning having something/anything important to do, I make a hasty exit.
“Ha, yes the tea leaf in the jam jar ended up in the old bucket and pail! What a situation eh, ha ha…” - Glancing at my watch -“Look, I have some really important stuff to do. Nice meeting you but I have to run.”
As a result of many an awkward situation, I have taken it upon myself to learn a few phrases here and there. Here is a cursory list of words and phrases in rhyming slang that may help a little for anyone planning to visit London anytime soon.
“Chitty chitty bang bang” = Cockney rhyming slang
“Hey, take a butcher’s at this.” = Hey, take a look at this. (Butcher’s hook = look)
“Close the burnt!” = Close the window. (Burnt cinder = window)
“I don’t Adam and Eve it!” = I don’t believe it!
“My almonds aren’t matching today” = My socks aren’t matching today” (Almond rocks = socks)
“Alright China?” = “How’s it going mate?” (China plate = mate)
“It’s a bit David Bowie today” = “It’s a bit windy today” (David Bowie = blowy)
“I’m Lee Marvin” = I’m starving
“I can’t pay the Duke of Kent this week” = “I can’t pay the rent this week”
“Give us a pint of Gary” = “Give us a pint of bitter” (Garry Glitter = bitter)
While this list only touches the tip of the iceberg, there are extensive listings and dictionaries available on line for those of you who want to learn a little more about this curious British dialect. As for me, I’m off to the lollipop to buy the Michael Winner, before my love and kisses finishes with Captain Kirk.
