My grandmother called this morning. She has had a stroke so I have to listen really hard to make out what she is saying. I have her punch-in-the-face black eyes when I'm tired and her olive skin. She thinks about a lot of things.
She says
"You know...apparently there's a frog shortage. They reckon they are going extinct..."
"Oh Yeah?" I say.
She is quite deaf, and doesn't like to wear her hearing aid. Having a conversation with her is fine as long as you don't take any unexpected turns: stick to the topic, make predictable responses and don't ask any questions. She speaks in a broad country accent, usually coloured with laughter or the suspense of a good story. She speaks slowly, leaving painfully long seconds between each sentence, but if you interrupt you get caught in a cycle of trying to make yourself understood. You usually regret doing this.
But if you have the patience to just listen you can be in for a good ride: I laughed for weeks when she called and told me that she needed to get a hearing aid:
but they are pretty expensive... You know what I reckon, Melissa? I know where I'm going to get some cheaper ones...
The morgue...
all those old folk getting cremated, they don't need them anymore... and I bet no one thinks of calling them up...it would be a shame to waste them!
She hates waste, my grandmother.
But today, it's the frogs.
"Apparently, the frogs are all getting sick or something...
Well, I reckon we have something of a frog plague here, Melissa! And they don't look sick to me...
They are living in our septic. Cos it's wet, you see...
I found 6 of them in the house yesterday. They come in through the toilet and just hop around the house... I found one on my pillow!
I've been trying to catch them. In those old honey containers your grandfather collects...they are good for spiders too. I think the frogs eat the spiders though.
But those green tree frogs...they know when you're coming!"
she is using a walking frame mind you
"You sort of have to be in the right place at the right time...
Your grandfather has put a plunger in the toilet to stop them coming in. He had to put a two-foot extension on the handle because it just wasn't hygenic, Melissa...I might get sick! You have to remove it of course, before you go, and replace it after you flush, of course.
But they still get in! I found two on the window I had poke with a stick, and one in the teapot!...It was a good thing i checked. I was really thirsty too...
You're Grandfather's going to build a pond for the poor little buggers. I spose i should call someone and let them know they don't have to worry about them going extinct...They are thriving in our septic.
Some people have two many roos in the top paddock. My grandma just has 6 too many tree frogs in the septic tank.
