This is a little something I wrote for a piece during Uni, it's still a draft but for some reason I felt like sharing it... I know it's not well-written but I guess it's the message that counts, one thing i've learnt through travelling is that it doesn't matter how badly or how long it takes to express something, as long as in the end you're message is obvious.
Here
He wakes to the sound of a passing plane. The world around him feels unfamiliar. Elijah asks where he has ended up now. It takes a moment for his mind to readjust. This is home, just as he had left it three years ago. He turns over to look outside, the morning burning his eyes as he catches a glimpse of the plane. Only a week ago he had been so far from here, his flame still ignited.. His own bedroom feels foreign to him now. Where had he left off? Why couldn’t he find his footing again?
With his eyes closed, Elijah had spun the globe. His finger pointed to a land with little thought on how it would tilt his own sphere. He had left with only the bag on his back, his fresh passport stamped. With a one-way ticket in hand, he took a seat in the aisle and couldn’t decide whether his mind or heart was racing faster. He wasn’t running away from anything or anyone, he was just looking for something more.
Elijah was always searching for adrenaline; jumping out of planes, swimming with sharks, joining the army, and saying yes to almost everything. Sometimes it got him into sticky situations. But he was alive, and that was the only verification he needed to continue. He had left a world he was comfortable with; a loving family, childhood girlfriend, assortment of kind friends and a position at a renowned university. He had broken the bubble that had begun to suffocate him. Before he left he felt only complacent with his pre-determined path. He wanted to feel alive, to experience the bitter sweet taste of life. To take a risk.
“I have eyes like a wolf” was the first thing Aseri had ever told him. Aseri’s father had abandoned him and his brother Jaime in a closet of an apartment two years ago. A neighbour found them a week later. One of the nannies told Elijah that Aseri was lucky to be able to walk, and his brother was blessed to be alive. Jaime had almost starved to death. Their friendship grew as Elijah ritually visited them. They played with whatever they could find, flat soccer balls and blunt pencils. He would stay until dusk. Until he had to leave.
The sound of his mother singing in the hallway brings him back to his reality. He turns over to face his wardrobe again, a position he has become accustomed to. Her faint humming reminds him of that song. He recalls the night when he had found refuge in a dim lit backpackers bar, the old wood had creaked with his push. Everyone had stared hypnotically at her. Her voice, so captivating, had crashed and layered like waves, swiftly moving to mountain peaks. Elijah's blood danced to the rhythm. There was a prolonged pause before the applause, everyone seemingly recollecting their awareness. He had an intense desire to meet her. But he had thought it foolish to approach her, who was he in this village? Merely an intruder, she would find no interest in him.
He notices a scratch in his wardrobe. He feels so useless here. He realises that upon his return he has only indulged in quick fixes, unemotional lovers and temporary fun. No one needs him here. It was the same monotonous routine that frustrated him, why couldn't his friends just open their eyes to the real world? If only he could shake them out of their robotic routine. He knew that they thought him to be arrogant and selfish but he didn't care. His trip distanced him from their world. They wanted him to return to 'who he was' but he didn't want to go back, even if he had become the self-pitying person he once claimed he’d never be.
Aseri asked him one night, “Can you sleep here? There’s plenty of room on the floor,” referring to the tight squeeze between the cots that bordered the room.
“I’m sorry I have to go. I’ll be back in the morning, I promise.” He grew to unconditionally love this child. That day Aseri's brother had passed away from a common ailment, there had been no money or means of survival. Aseri was strong, he did not cry, but he had wanted the comfort of an older brother. His environment was so unstable, his friends and brothers constantly coming and going. Elijah tried to imagine his life without his brothers at home but found it near impossible.
Elijah had worked up the courage to approach her. He felt entranced by her autumn eyes. The brick walls dissolved around them. The lights had dimmed as he noticed her soft pale lips. Her stare ignited him like a flame. His thoughts erupted, the walls caved in. With tightness in his throat he blurted, “Tienes una voz muy bonita.”
“Gracias” she replied smoothly, he couldn’t help but imagine himself touching her. Reflexively he felt guilty and traced his thoughts back to his girlfriend. When did he last talk to her? She smiled at him and asked if he wanted a drink. They spoke all night. The language barrier seemed unapparent, as their energies intertwined and grew with every word they breathed.
He missed that feeling of meeting someone for the first time, that anxiety of not knowing where life would take him. He tried to meditate, run, pick up new sports, go to bars – but everything soon became dry. As quickly as lovers came, he had left them. He had withdrawn from his friends and family. He’d prefer to be alone than to be with people who made him feel lonely.
Aseri had fallen asleep in Elijah’s arms. He had stayed for nap time, he knew it would make it difficult to leave, but he was trying not to think about tomorrow. A new born baby had arrived that day, a child of an affair. Aseri had asked one of the nannies if he could see her, they said after nap time he could. Elijah wondered if the newborn would ever know the truth of her parents or if she would be given a story.
In the moonlit street Elijah gazed at her as she watched the others dance the Huayño. It was a freezing night, but he hadn’t noticed. She told him, “I am sick of living everyone else’s expectations.” He was mesmerised by her. He reached for her hand and joined the others. They danced with no sense of time or self. With great restrain, he refused her offer to go back to her place that night. He had fought the urge with great difficulty. He imagines now what would have happened if he had have said yes...
His mum opens the door, interrupting his thoughts. Her gaze reminds him of when he had hurt himself as a child. She understood that he was in pain, trapped in his own despair - but this gloominess was only temporary. Like every other fall he had, he would inevitably pick himself up.
The day came too quickly, he didn’t want leave but he had to. When he told the children Aseri asked, “But, but.. can’t you just stay a little longer?” He explained that he had to leave 'for good'. His wolf eyes had turned into clouds. Elijah had hugged Aseri last, he told him that he loved him and would think of him every day from that day on. Elijah kept a strong face, but his heart burned at the sight of Aseri’s drowning eyes. He didn’t want to hurt them, he wanted to stay there forever but he couldn’t.
They said goodbye with only words, that’s all they had ever done. But he felt more for her than any other woman before. She had taught him how to fall in love through words. He hugged her tight, never had they been so close, her felt body warm against his. He wanted to stay but knew he had to go. As he walked away he had felt the heat defuse; the lingering energy he knew he would continue to crave.
He can’t seem to remember her hair, the way she walked or talked. But those autumn eyes still haunt him in his dreams. Still persistently arise in his mind when he makes love to other women. Who knew how he had juggled so many lovers, but none of them gave him the same feeling she did. Even when he returned, embracing his former girlfriend at the airport, he thought of her. Wanting her to be the one he was hugging instead. He knew this was wrong, but it was true, and that’s why he chose to be alone.
She kisses him on the forehead, something she has done ever since he was young. Something he had never admitted to but, missed during his time away. He knew the answer was simple, everyone kept telling him: stop searching for more and see how great you have it here. He had seen some incredible things, but he was always looking for something more. Was it wrong? Should he have just settled with comfort? He knew he was lost, but he’d rather feel this desolation with blissful memories in his pocket than nothing at all. And so his eyes wonder from his ceiling to his bed-side table. The little globe sitting there, teasing. He closes his eyes and it begins to spin.
*** It feels funny reading over this piece again now because many of my embedded questions in this piece have changed, and i guess i feel my mind is a lot more settled than it was before
