GPzMike Abroad

Monday - made it thru the day. Was actually a pretty good day. We didn't get all done with what I wanted, but we made headway and things are looking up.

I spent the weekend relaxing and reflecting. There were a number of people that expressed concern for me and were surprised that I was stumbling. One of the best was "It's really hard being an adult here - you are very good at it, don't leave - we need you!"

Me? An Adult? WTF!?! You sure you got the right Mike? But there was a part of me that was proud to be seen in that light, too, ya know?

I did realize while outbound this morning that I was feeling really afraid. I could see it and while I desperately wanted to hold onto it (I dunno...) I relaxed and just let it wash over me a bit (I relaxed a bit...it washed over me even less). It was a start - and it did work. And truth be told it did feel good...and scary.

I was thinking this weekend about how I got to this point. How I got all clenched up/tired out. I'm here to be of service. When I'm really balls to the wall in that sort of space I am extraordinarily happy. Dare I say...gleeful?

But it is SUCH a terribly vulnerable space to operate from in life! Being so open and exposed out there on the raw edge. It's unbelievably hard to stay out there for long. A little fear there, a little doubt there, and over here a tad bit of failure. It's so easy to start pulling in and retracting too all those little things bit by tiny bit. Then I wake up one day and I've suddenly crossed some line, some balance point between happy and survival, between empowered and fearful. I'm no longer leaning into life - I'm flatfooted or on my heels just a tad struggling to right myself and not knowing how.

Perhaps 'not knowing how' is wrong. It's something like that, though. Bewildered? Safe feeling given the little stumbling blocks? I dunno.

I do know that this awareness of it should help.