GPzMike Abroad

I'm hitting the wall here. It's been bubbling up as you might have been able to tell from the slurry of posts I've put up recently. I'm due for a MHB at the end of next week.

Today I bailed out of work. I'm just kaput. No physical or mental or emotional energy. It's not depression - or at least not like I've ever experienced it. Things are not grey and lifeless and useless. I'm just feeling beat down.

I've stayed the day at the staff house and have been able to make hotdogs on buns and eat papaya and otherwise have what's felt like a sorta normal day. The tub drain stopper does not work or I'd have taken a nice long soak of a bath - cold water and all. Would have felt absolutely spectacular and done wonders for my strength. Alas, it did not come to pass. Getting messy with a couple of papaya's had to suffice and it did to some extent.

I'm really worried about my time here. Will I make it? I'm concerned. I've never been concerned about it until now. Not really. I've had doubts and whatnot, but they were all in my head - the normal doubts and fears that anyone would likely have when presented with all of 'this' for the first time in their life.

But this, this feels a bit like cracking. I can't let this happen. I'm resolved to battle this all the way down the line if need be. I just can't see me returning home early beaten - it will really pain me to no end. Even if I have to try and change the structure of being here then so be it. I really want to help down here. I am not sure what's in the way of feeling that just at the moment.

In talking with the p's I do acknowledge that the first trip down here I was getting a lot of positive strokes. Sorta a hero of sorts as I could do so much for the school build and the base and even the individuals on base thru my construction and craftiness. My ego was getting a lot of good strokes. It's not to say it was undeserved - I was doing a lot of work to help everyone out. But it's also not to say it's not something I enjoy. I enjoy(ed) it just fine. Gives me a sense of self worth. I know. I know. That's vain and shallow and all wrong. Well. That may be, but it's also the bleedin' truth. Suck it up, Mike.

So much for being humble.

But now, on this second foray into Haiti, I'm not that hero I once was. The construct is different. I thought I was coming back to the program as a 2nd in command to Matt. I saw it as me and him taking on the school program. I saw it as him doing the higher end management and me taking a leader of the building site. And it is that way - except there are three of those positions. So it's not just Matt and I tackling it as the leaders and guides. Now it's a committee.

I suppose in my mind's eye I saw my role as developing into a supporting role. A guide to the teams rather than actually doing the work along with everyone. That I would find a way to teach and train and support and guide and troubleshoot. It just isn't what evolved. I don't blame AHV. They have made a wise decision in setting up the school construction program in the way they have. It makes sense. It's just not what I initially signed up for. I did sign on with this. I thought I'd be okay in the new role - and perhaps I still am but I just need to communicate all this to the powers that be.

Perhaps it would be better for me to step down as one of the site supers and become the facilities manager and a support person for the prefab of the schools and support to Matt. We have someone that's doing the purchasing or I'd suggest I could take that on as well. I might not be able to hold onto the stipend - that would not be sustainable for me. Rock and a hard place. I could live here on less, but I'd come back empty pocketed.

There are sooooo many things I've tried and failed at in my life - or at least that's how I see so many of the things I've done/attempted. Or it's all I see disregarding the partial and 'graded on the curve' successes (I'm a real a$$hole to my self). I just can't let this one be added to the list.

I just can't. I've got to figure a way thru it.