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The Bus Ride from Actual Hell

COLOMBIA | Thursday, 8 January 2015 | Views [176]

Let me tell you about the bus ride from Hell. And this bus ride doesn't even hold a friggin candle (time-wise, anyway) to the one I'll need to take in a few weeks from Guayaquil, Ecuador to Lima, Peru which is for 28 HOURS.

This bus ride is freezing cold, as you can imagine any Hellish bus ride would be. And I don't have a blanket. The bus stops every 2-3 minutes to either avoid potholes, down trees,  broken roads, or friggin SPEED BUMPS in the middle of Absolute Nowhere, Colombia. Like who even put these speed bumps on the road in the middle of nowhere??? What purpose do they serve??? It's not like we're in a neighborhood or something. And my stupid seat swings upright from its "reclined position" because it is very broken. So I've given up on trying to actually recline and get some sleep.
The frigging driver does not know how to take an easy stop. He pretty much slams on the brakes every 2 minutes, and that is absolutely not an exaggeration. Pretty sure Matt is even having trouble sleeping through this, and he can sleep through anything. Earlier in this 16-hour bus ride from Santa Marta to Medellin, Matt commented that he was surprised this bus wasn't a double-decker as many of the long-journey buses are around these parts. After a few hours, I realize that this bus isn't a double decker by the grace of God, because this friggin driver takes the curves so sharp and fast that we would have surely tipped by now had this been a double-decker. So, cheers God!
For the second 3-4 hours of this journey, there was a crappy TV which was blinking between a bright blue screen and a fuzzy scrolling picture of the actual film, with all the speakers in the entire bus on FULL BLAST. Like I couldn't even turn my iPod (Mac's iPod--Mac you are a literal life-saver) up high enough to drown out the film's audio. And what was the film you ask? Oh, a rich one indeed called Seal Team Eight or some Bologna that made me want to puke down the front of my shirt. All it was the entire time was women crying and huge explosions and automatic weapons. Like I can't make this up. Oh and the occasional macho Spanish-speaking man who was threatening someone. So that was all pretty cool. Super great film.
And what does a bus ride from Hell smell like the entire time? Why a port-a-pot, of course!!
So feeling pretty pissy right now, also it's 1am and pretty much everyone else on this bus is asleep or pretending to be and I will not sleep this entire night. Good thing some creative energy has hit, otherwise I'd be SOL. Enjoy the ride, folks! Thanks for letting me rant.

Tags: bus rides, death

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