UBUNTU "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao Tzu

Upon arrival to this foreign land, I thought I had my whole life figured out. I had plans and goals and I walked around with my head held high because I knew who I was and I knew what I was capable of accomplishing. It didn't take long to be blindsided with doubts - doubts about literally every aspect of my life. I questioned my motives for being here, I questioned my love and compassion for others, I questioned who I was and what I wanted out of life and whether or not I was capable of handling the self destructive nature of this country and this culture. In these past couple months, I have loved and lost and when I say that, it is in reference to myself. I came here loving the person I had grown to be in spite of all my faults and somewhere along the way I lost that person. Where and when I lost that woman, I am not sure. It could have been during any of the countless trips to Baragwanath Hospital and seeing the negligence of humanity, it could have been when Amanda lied to me and ran away, it could have been when I realized that no matter how many good intentions one might have, life has another plan. It could have been when I didn't feel like compromising my life and goals anymore to take a chance on love or maybe it was when I questioned what love really is. Or what about the fact that this is my first big sober trip and getting bad news from home and knowing that I can't escape in a bottle like I used to and I had to find other ways to deal with the harsh realities and blows that life throws. Maybe it was the loss of my Great Grandmother last week and I wasn't with my family. It could be that I've taken my frustrations with myself out on those I love the most and all I'm left with are confused family and friends. I literally felt my spirit and heart break since being here and am still in love with this beautifully screwed up country maybe because it reminds me of my beautifully screwed up self. I know what it's like to be on such a self destructive pattern that no matter who comes along to help all you know how to do is take advantage of them and manipulate the situation to suit your needs. I know what it's like to hit rock bottom - to not only see hell, but to live and thrive in my own personal hell that I created and I remember how fresh and crisp the air was once I finally clawed my way out because I didn't want to live like that anymore. I know what it's like to be so incredibly thankful and amazed that there were still those special "volunteers" in my life who didn't give up on me and who saw the good deep within me. I don't have an everyday goal of figuring out who I am or what I should be doing because if there is anything I learned back home but didn't understand until now, it is that I must take things a day at a time. I can't plan out my future and I wont ever know who I truly am because as humans, we evolve on a daily basis and I hope to never be complacent with who I am or what I've accomplished because there is always another door to be opened and another door to walk through. There are no words to completely capture what I have experienced or learned here, but I do know that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. After this trip, I should enter an Iron Man contest, Love you all and will be stateside as of April 3.