UBUNTU

South African Wrap Up

msjensmith12 — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 10:06:00 GMT

after being back in the states for a little over a couple weeks, i have had some time to put into perspective my trip and the effect it had on me and my psyche. the hardest thing i had to learn in africa, was that i - msjensmith - have limitations. i suppose i had that childlike mentality on most of my travels that told me i was invincible and could handle anything and what i failed to realize is that i am an adult who is vulnerable to my surroundings.
all of you know africa has been such a passion of mine for so many years and i had almost romanticized the continent. arriving and realizing things weren't as i thought they would seem and realizing nearly immediately that i wasn't going to be able to handle it didn't really do me any good because although i made those realizations, i wasn't willing to do anything about them. i didn't want to admit defeat. i didn't want to admit that this super human world traveler i had painted myself to be was on the verge of a mental breakdown and it nearly cost me my sobriety.
there were things in africa i never wrote about because i simply couldn't handle the heartbreak and i didn't want to subject any of you to it. i have already received many comments since returning home about one blog imparticular - that it was rough and hard to read - but to be quite honest, as harsh as that was, it wasn't anywhere near the harsh reality of other things not to be mentioned. africa was devastating and so beautiful all at the same time. i experienced some very beautiful moments in my life there - priceless things that i will never forget and will always be dear to my heart - but there was a price to pay for that beauty.
the blessing i have now, is the clarity of knowing my limits. the fact that i now truly cherish each day of my sobriety and although it may be tough, it is and must stay the most important thing in my life. it's been almost a year now without a drink and there is a reason they tell you in the program to not make any drastic changes in your life in the first year - because to have realized i was powerless over alcohol, to realize i have character defects and must work daily to be honest with myself, and then to realize i have limits while in a foreign country, away from my support group and family has all taken me on such an emotional journey. i feel like i have died and come back to life so many times this year, but finally - in this moment, i am breathing, i am living an honest life and i am living a life of love, peace, and joy. for the first time ever, i can say and truly believe "there is no place like home." i am so thankful to be back and i thank all of you for your constant support on this journey.

Structured Pandemonium

msjensmith12 — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 05:23:00 GMT

Upon arrival to this foreign land, I thought I had my whole life figured out. I had plans and goals and I walked around with my head held high because I knew who I was and I knew what I was capable of accomplishing. It didn't take long to be blindsided with doubts - doubts about literally every aspect of my life. I questioned my motives for being here, I questioned my love and compassion for others, I questioned who I was and what I wanted out of life and whether or not I was capable of handling the self destructive nature of this country and this culture. In these past couple months, I have loved and lost and when I say that, it is in reference to myself. I came here loving the person I had grown to be in spite of all my faults and somewhere along the way I lost that person. Where and when I lost that woman, I am not sure. It could have been during any of the countless trips to Baragwanath Hospital and seeing the negligence of humanity, it could have been when Amanda lied to me and ran away, it could have been when I realized that no matter how many good intentions one might have, life has another plan. It could have been when I didn't feel like compromising my life and goals anymore to take a chance on love or maybe it was when I questioned what love really is. Or what about the fact that this is my first big sober trip and getting bad news from home and knowing that I can't escape in a bottle like I used to and I had to find other ways to deal with the harsh realities and blows that life throws. Maybe it was the loss of my Great Grandmother last week and I wasn't with my family. It could be that I've taken my frustrations with myself out on those I love the most and all I'm left with are confused family and friends. I literally felt my spirit and heart break since being here and am still in love with this beautifully screwed up country maybe because it reminds me of my beautifully screwed up self. I know what it's like to be on such a self destructive pattern that no matter who comes along to help all you know how to do is take advantage of them and manipulate the situation to suit your needs. I know what it's like to hit rock bottom - to not only see hell, but to live and thrive in my own personal hell that I created and I remember how fresh and crisp the air was once I finally clawed my way out because I didn't want to live like that anymore. I know what it's like to be so incredibly thankful and amazed that there were still those special "volunteers" in my life who didn't give up on me and who saw the good deep within me. I don't have an everyday goal of figuring out who I am or what I should be doing because if there is anything I learned back home but didn't understand until now, it is that I must take things a day at a time. I can't plan out my future and I wont ever know who I truly am because as humans, we evolve on a daily basis and I hope to never be complacent with who I am or what I've accomplished because there is always another door to be opened and another door to walk through. There are no words to completely capture what I have experienced or learned here, but I do know that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. After this trip, I should enter an Iron Man contest, Love you all and will be stateside as of April 3.

Bittersweet

msjensmith12 — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:25:00 GMT

After last weeks upset about the people and culture here, I have finally calmed down a bit and am simply having to accept the things that I cannot change. Last week I spent my evenings with our nurse and volunteer coordinator who in the beginning of my stay here told our directors that I was a typical American who didn't care about the people or culture here. We have since become each other's support group and I look up to these women and feel honored to call them my friends and mentors. I have become a regular at the hospital I once wrote about and the nurses in one of the wards now know me by name which definitely helps with the wait time for our patients. It's nice to be able to walk in and be greeted with a smile and hello rather than a sneer and a dirty look. Last Friday, Althea (our nurse) and I picked up my rental car and went to the hospital to collect prescription drugs and visit one of our patients in the TB clinic. I have never been in a TB clinic and nor do I wish to go again, although if duty calls I will be the first in line. We entered a building in a nice garden area and immediately had to put on face masks because we were in the drug resistant TB ward. Yes, that's right - for those of you not up to date on the world medical forum, TB has begun to mutate and there are now cases here of drug resistant TB and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it - death is inevitable from this. The building is not equipped with AC or heating and all the windows were open, letting in the heat of the day and a warm breeze from time to time. We walked down the middle of the beds, about fifteen on each side all with women who were skin and bones. Some, you wouldn't even be able to tell anyone was in the bed because they were so skinny and the only thing that gave their presence away was the occasional fly that would buzz around their heads. We finally saw Nancy and her condition at the moment seems to be getting a bit better but we know better than to get excited. Nancy has gone off her medication voluntarily three different times because she would rather die than deal with the disease. It's hard to witness, but the reality is that there are many others who think the same thing.

This weekend, Lise and I took off to the sheep farm for a relaxing weekend in the mountains with Henrie and play time with the dogs on the farm. Henrie got a new Mastiff puppy, Kyzo, whose feet are so large that he trips over them when he runs. He is the cutest thing on the planet. We came across waterfalls again and then decided to go hiking on a trail that leads to more of them. We completely missed the trail entrance and ended up lost in the forest and in canyons for about two hours until we finally figured out where we had originally started. Scary - yeah, just a bit but it was actually really fun. It was an extremely hot day here, so we cooled ourselves in small streams we found and just tried to make the best of it. Henrie and I bought pool noodles to use in one of the ponds on the farm and went in for a few minutes only to realize after getting out that leeches had attached themselves to us. Oh the joys of Africa, lol.

As for those of you who have donated money or are planning to, these are the items I have purchased so far. This weekend, I was able to get the workers new shirts and the total cost was $26.00. I bought four shirts, so that is extremely cheap here. Also, this week I am purchasing school books for the girls in the homeless shelter. The books will cost around $100.00 for two girls. After seeing them this week, I will find out what their other needs are and possibly purchase school supplies and whatnot. The schools are supposed to supply these things, but unfortunately they are just as corrupt as the rest of the country and are keeping the money for themselves. I also purchased another soccer ball for the girls which cost about $15. You should have seen the look on their faces when I took them the balls last week. It was the first time they have ALL voluntarily played with one another and actually got along. It was such a great thing to see. They were so appreciative and told me to let all my friends in America know how thankful they were. So thank you all from the girls, the workers, and myself. I know these are small things we are doing but if you were to see how their faces light up, you would know this actually has a very large impact.

On a more personal note, I really can't believe my time here is nearly finished. I realize I have one more month, but to think I have been here since January is very surreal. At first, time couldn't pass fast enough and now all I want to do is slow it down. Even with all the horrible things I have seen and heard about here, I truly am in love with this place and the people who are truly in need of help and want it, not to mention the amazing friendships I have established here. There is a reason I have Africa tattooed on my arm and there is a reason Africa chose me, I didn't choose Africa. My soul feels connected to this place like no other. I can't explain it, all I can do is make the most of my time here and know this will not be my last trip to this continent or country. It's been a bittersweet ride so far and I look forward to my remaining time here.

Ubuntu.

What the media doesn't report

msjensmith12 — Tue, 4 Mar 2008 22:11:00 GMT

From the US, it was easy to simply look at Africa as a whole - blame white people for the distress all the countries are in and then want to come over to show that not all white people are the same. Yes, this will be a bit of a racial blog with harsh topics, but don't judge me until you have come to South Africa and lived in the conditions I live in - then we can talk.

Many of you know about Amanda - the 15 year old girl who was raped and who I spent a lot of time with when I first arrived and thereafter. Yesterday, one of our directors and another volunteer thought it would be a good idea to drop her off by herself at the mall and she hasn't returned since. It wasn't even until this morning that people realized she was missing. The last time I saw her, she gave me a big hug to let me know she liked living at the Haven and that they found her aunt in Durban and she was able to speak with her over the phone. She said her aunt had been looking for her and was crying so much and was so happy. Now, I find out that her aunt wanted nothing to do with her and everything she told me was a lie. She was either stealing or begging people for money, and now she is gone. Apparently, life on the streets is much more appealing than three free meals a day, shelter, clothing, and schooling. Forget about the second chance at life that someone has just given you out of the kindness of their heart.

Yesterday, 800 rand (a little over $100) was stolen by one of the mothers out of our doctor's purse while she was seeing patients. This is a woman who is spending her retirement here in South Africa - volunteering - and they steal from her. Today, I had to strip search all the mothers and ransack their rooms to try and find the money. It is likely that one of the mothers put it inside them as they usually brag about their street life and that is what they used to do.

Plain and simple, in black and white terms - this is not to piss any of you off or to be prejudice in any sort of a way - but this is the reality folks. This is what the media doesn't show you. Because of apartheid, a lot of blacks here think the whites owe them something - even if the whites offer it, they find it easier to take it from them by force, whether that be raping or murdering them, or doing the classic smash and grab through the car window. The mothers here sit and laugh at us volunteers as we work our asses off trying to ensure they are comfortable, while they steal our money and cell phones, our clothes and cameras. Yes, this has all happened since I have been here. Of course, I am making a large generalization, but spend one week here and you will know exactly what I mean. Driving through Soweto yesterday to pick up a sick patient, we were called names and had rocks thrown at our vehicle simply because we were white. Farmers here are being slaughtered, but only after they have watched their children and wives raped and murdered - simply because they are white. Our American doctor went to get her work visa to teach med students at the hospital and they literally threw her papers back in her face and said "We don't want any more white doctors in our country." Did I mention that hospitals all over SA are shutting down because they are short on doctors? I assume many of you have heard the international news coverage of the white college students who made a video about peeing in black people's food here - but what about the news coverage of the whites here getting mugged, raped, murdered in their own homes...where are those hate crimes in the headlines? Apartheid ended and reverse racism ensued and this is what is left. A country that has great potential, thousands of organizations and volunteers taking time out of their lives to come over and help and being taken full advantage of. I find it very difficult to sit back and watch a culture realize they are self destructing and yet do absolutely nothing about it but sit around waiting for a hand out. Yes, I am angry as I am writing this, but it doesn't mean that what I am saying is not true. Everything I have mentioned happens and it happens often.

I realize this is not a happy email, but it is one that I want to educate you as to what really happens here. Yes, there are people here who want and desperately need help and that is why I find this trip worthwhile, but the country as a whole...well, all I am saying is to remember that for every headline you see, there are about a thousand more a day that don't get reported.

How YOU can help...

msjensmith12 — Tue, 4 Mar 2008 01:01:00 GMT

Hello everyone,
I am back from a week of rest and relaxation and even celebrated my 9 months of sobriety last Thursday at Kruger National Park! Some of you have asked how you can help from abroad and I just wanted to send some information your way. The teenage girls I work with every week are in a homeless shelter and it is not equipped with anything for them to do other than share one television with two hundred other people in the shelter. Because of the lack of activities, the girls are prone to wandering the streets of downtown Johannesburg and are getting into drugs, alcohol, prostitution, etc. I spoke with them before I left and they all enjoy sports and have an area in the facility for basketball and soccer, but they have no equipment. I purchased a soccer ball, basketball, and air pump for them last week and it was at a cost of about $40. I would like to get them a few more items from a sports store, but cannot afford to do so out of my own pocket so if you would like to donate any money for this, please let me know and I can figure out where to put the funds and give you a detailed list as to what I was able to buy and how much it cost. There are also some workers on a farm where I have been spending a lot of time and they each only have two shirts that are ripped and nearly shredded to pieces. I would like to purchase them a couple of new shirts and considering clothes here are quite cheap, I can get shirts for $10 a piece. Other than that, I can't think of donations for anything else at the moment but things are always coming up. Just remember that even $5 goes a long way to the people here and every little bit helps, so please let me know if you are in a position to help these girls and workers. I hope everyone is well and I will speak with you all soon.
Ubuntu,
Jen

Just call me Mpumalanga

msjensmith12 — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:31:00 GMT

After a bit of a rough Valentine's Day I was in desperate need of something to restore my soul and what better way than to spend the weekend lost in the mountains in the province of Mpumalanga and enjoying fireside chats with my friends at Henrie's sheep farm. Mpumalanga means 'where the sun rises' and apparently is now my African name. The mothers don't call me Jen anymore and I knew that would only be a matter of time as they like to give everyone nicknames. We enjoyed a braai on Friday and I climbed numerous trees throughout the property to try and get as high as I could to see the absolutely beautiful view that this province has to offer. Saturday morning we spent in a small art/antique town walking through all the shops and then decided to head to another small town to see where the first gold rush took place here in Africa. The most beautiful thing was the Old Cemetery, literally called "Old Cemetery" which was written on a tree in paint. The graves were fairly old and surrounded by tall mountains and shade trees - what a beautiful final resting place. On the way out, Wessel took one of his famous "short cuts" which had us lost in the mountains for a little over two hours but totally worth it. We kept stopping to look at the small, unsuspecting rivers and the occasional monkey would run across and surprise even the South Africans. I had myself fully convinced that we would be stuck in the mountains, no cell phone service, flat tire, spending the night in the car, but somehow we finally found civilization - I had never been so sad and happy at the same time. The beautiful thing about this country...well, one of the beautiful things is that even for my friends who have lived here their whole lives, the nature and landscape still takes their breath away. I tried to snap a couple pictures and then realized there is no way to capture this place on film. I almost feel as though I am violating the mountains or insulting them by trying to do so. After our long day I was able to watch my first rugby game on television...what a backwards ass sport, but fun to watch anyway and the following day we spent on a hilltop at a lodge, laying out by the pool and enjoying everyone's company. Another successful weekend in South Africa.

Upon my return to the Village, there were many things to be done in order to get our donation room set up so we know what we have in stock and we can easily find clothes for the mothers and children. The directors were freaking out because shelving needed to be put up and our only male volunteer is on holiday with his family. Being the one woman who refuses to need a man for these types of things, I grabbed a wrench and screwdriver, told Lise we needed to prove we didn't need a man around here, and we put up shelving all day. Now mind you, it may have taken us a little longer and they may lean to the side a bit - but we did it and that was all that mattered at the end of the day. Today, I have spent the morning with the mothers and learning more about their stories and whatnot. A lot of the mothers here enjoy the free handout of food and a place to stay and have no further ambitions in life. However, there are a handful who are well educated and healthy because of their ARV's and want to get out and work, to make their own money and eventually get their own place to provide for their own children. One mother imparticular, Samantha, is from Zimbabwe and her children are back there. Because of the crisis in Zim, she has not had any contact with them and does not know if they are getting proper food and care. She wants to bring them here, but wants to provide for them herself, so I am going to speak with the directors today and see what their thoughts are about mothers who want to better themselves and have a future. This should not be the end of the road for them if they desire more and are willing to work for it. So we shall see what happens. This Thursday will be my second week working with the teenagers. I have found that an instant ice breaker is to show them my tattoos as they think it is cool and somehow puts me on their level. There are some who are such great girls and have faced adversity and not let it slow them down or corrupt them and their are others who would rather prostiutute and drink than go to school. It is an interesting combination, but they are very excited to have me on board with them and I can only pray that something I might say or do will help them in their lives. Until next time...

Hospital Valentine

msjensmith12 — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 06:56:00 GMT

It's noon and I find myself sitting on a hard, wooden bench surrounded by strangers who are all waiting to have x-rays. I'm at Baragwanath Hospital, a.k.a. hell on earth. Amanda and I have been here since 9am and it looks as though we will spend the afternoon here. They took her cast off for x-rays, then sent us to walk about a mile to the next building - she nearly collapsed from pain and I hijacked a wheelchair and didn't care too much about the consequences - the doctors here seem to be a bit insensitive to pain. There is an older woman lying in front of me on a makeshift stretcher and there is a mat lying on top of it. The mat is old and torn in many places - dirty from the former patient who needed it. All I can hear are shuffled feet of patients who stare through me like zombies. They all carry gatorade bottles attached to tubes that disappear under their gowns or clothing. The bottles look to be filled with urine or blood and sometimes a combination of the two. The ill and desperate sit outside in the sun, fanning themselves in lines, waiting to be checked into then be sent to another building to wait in another line to continue the vicous cycle and if they are lucky, they might be seen by the end of the week and if they are really lucky, told to come back to wait again tomorrow. While they wait on the curbs, stretchers with patients roll by as everyone waits to see if the patient will fall off the stretcher because going from building to building is like crossing an off road motorcross site. An old man, barefoot and dirty in an open gown comes and begs for money while the inmae from the correctional facility rolls by in his bright orange jumper with his fee shackled in chains to the wheelchair. The smell of humid air and body odor bring my mind back to Amanda as I smile at her from across the room. It is Valentine's Day, and my heart broke just a little.

Could life get any better?!?

msjensmith12 — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 18:42:00 GMT

How it is possible to keep topping every weekend I have here, is
completely beyond my comprehension. I can tell you though, that had I
not met Henrie and Wessel, life would be a lot different here in South
Africa. These guys put southern hospitality to shame! Wessel picked
all of us up on Saturday morning for a braai (barbecue) with is family
and Henrie. We ended up in a park with a waterfall, rocks to climb,
and a swimming area at the bottom of the waterfall and rocks. It took
me all of two seconds to start climbing rocks and jump into the
freezing water. We stayed there for most of the afternoon and then
headed to Wessel's to play the guitar and sit around the fire before
heading out for the night. Considering myself and Lise (Denmark
volunteer) are the only sober ones here, I got to be designated driver
all weekend and it was so much fun to drive on the wrong side of the
car and the wrong side of the road! We dropped the Germans off in the
college area of Pretoria so they could go clubbing and celebrate
Antonia's birthday while the rest of use went to a karaoke bar to play
pool. I met so many of Henrie and Wessel's friends and taught them all
how to line dance and two step. For some reason, these people love
country music, so naturally they flocked to the Texan!
After a long day and night, we all passed out and woke to another
beautiful day in South Africa and headed to breakfast at a petting
zoo/restaurant so the majority could cure their hangovers. After a
great breakfast, we headed to a restaurant/bar that had a swimming
pool in the middle of nowhere, so we all swam and lounged about the
pool (acquiring the worst sunburns as of yet). After a few hours,
Henrie took us to his parents house/private game reserve right outside
of Pretoria. Their house is absolutely amazing - I have never seen
anything like it. They can literally wake up in the morning, take a
shower in their OUTDOOR shower and then sit on their balcony and watch
giraffe's come by the watering hole for hydration. Henrie and his mom
then took us around in the bucky (pick up truck) to drive through the
reserve and see all the animals. The scenery is indescribable, but I
can tell you that I have never in my life experienced that
calm/peace/excitement all at the same time. After our afternoon safari
we headed back to Wessel's for another braai and then home for much
needed rest and after-sun lotion applications.
The entire weekend was totally lekker (that is afrikaans for
'great/good)! I am falling in love with this country more than any
other before! More adventures to come next weekend when we head to
Henrie's sheep farm for camping and to celebrate his birthday.

Some things I simply don't understand

msjensmith12 — Thu, 7 Feb 2008 18:22:00 GMT

I don't quite know what to say or how to feel about this situation. Oscar is a man who works here and has been around since Nkosi was alive. He is one of the funniest, most sincere and kind hearted humans I have ever met. Last Thursday, I went with him and some others to help the grandmother and the children I told you all about. On our way home from there, he mentioned he used to have a drinking problem and after Nkosi died, he knew he had to stop. I didn't pry any further, but being a fellow alcoholic, I felt a connection with him. We were all supposed to go back this week to bring more things to the grandmother, but the unfortunate reality of the situation is that Oscar will die today. Last Friday night, he was run off the road by a drunk driver and has been in a coma ever since. His brain has continued to swell and there has been no progress, so he will be taken off life support today. I spent one day with the man and am so saddened by this. What kind of screwed up irony is it that he was killed by a drunk driver? It's a tough day and it's a sad day. Here was a man who turned his life around, was doing so much good for others and it was taken from him. Please, for those of you who drink, please grab a phone book and program your local taxi number in your phone and think twice before jumping behind the wheel after a night out. Please send your prayers for Oscar's family and friends.

Lions and tigers and bears - Oh My!

msjensmith12 — Wed, 6 Feb 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Okay, so it was more like lions and tigers and cheetahs - Oh My! You all get the hint though. So last Sunday, Henrie (a contact I have here in South Africa) and his frined Wessel (pronounced Vessel, although we now call him Weasel because it is much more entertaining) picked the girls and I up for a safari adventure. We had a little bit of a late start, so we ended up going to a rhino and lion park near Joburg for the morning. There were many highlights on our little trip to the park, but getting a chance to play with the lion and tiger cubs was definitely the best! I played with the older ones (4-5 months) and the little ones (2-3 months). One of the little ones kept following me each time I walked away from him. My friends would call out to me to be careful and I would turn around and he would be on all fours, crouched down, and then pounce on my leg - it was the most adorable thing I have seen here since Gugu, lol. We made it in time for the cheetah feeding and I snapped some wonderful photos of them chowing down on a carcass of some sort. I have pics of springboks...I could make a list, but just think of every animal you saw in the Lion King, and that's what I saw in real life.

After the safari park, we expected the guys to drive us home as they did their good samaritain duties for the day which is drive foreigners around to get them out of the Village, but they surprised us and took us to a small village in the middle of the mountains. We first went to a little cafe to get some lunch and we sat on the balcony, overlooking a lake which is nestled in the valley of the mountains. The conversation was great as we listened to Wessel tell story after story of his crazy ex girlfriends and Henrie telling us about his erasing girls phone numbers from his phone when they make him mad, but he writes their number down first in a book, just in case, lol.

We then went to an African market and thank goodness I didn't have anymoney with me, otherwise I would have to ship a box home full of crafts and then settled into an outdoor cafe/bar where we listened to a live Afrikaans band for the next five hours. It was such a fantastic day and a much needed one at that. It is so easy to become bitter and forget there is quite a lot of beauty surrounding this place, so thank God for nice locals who didn't mind spoiling us for a day.

We had the scare of a lifetime two nights ago. Everyone was dead asleep and all we hear is Antonia screaming at the top of her lungs and screaming for Roman (the guy who lives with us) and then she yells and points "SNAAAAAKE!!!" I look on the floor and see what looks to be a snake and I am telling her to stop screaming as I am jumping from my bed to the chair to turn on the light and run out of the room. As I do this, it gets very quiet before everyone starts laughing and Antonia realizes the "snake" was a pair of Lisa's pants. I am cracking up as I write this. There was however, a cricket the size of a small mouse (no exaggeration) in our room, so calling for Roman wasn't a complete waste. Good times.

That's the fun news for now. I am headed to a homeless shelter for teen runaways with drug and alcohol addictions tomorrow with the doctor to help counsel some of them, so I am glad my sobriety and knowledge will be of some use here. Hope all is well back home. Miss and love you all.

Ubuntu.

Emotional Rollercoaster

msjensmith12 — Sat, 2 Feb 2008 06:26:00 GMT

This week has been filled with fear, laughter, tears, sweat, and blood. The trivial highlights of the week consisted of the mothers here at the Village teaching me how to cook and I only needed two band aids after peeling potatoes and grating carrots for two hours! For those of you who don't know my lack of skills in the kitchen, for me to only need two band aids was a feat in itself.

Roman, Antonia, and I have begun exercising every night and running around the property for at least thirty minutes. We have found it is good therapy for rough days we have. The funniest part about it, is that I run with a head lamp on so that we can all see. It is truly entertaining for the security guys who sit back and call us silly, white kids.

I went to the actual Haven on Monday. there are about twenty mothers and about fifty children. It was utter chaos and all the children were completely fascinated with my tattoos and earrings and tolod me my "hair is like china" (because it is black). It was fun, but I have decided I would rather work here at the Village with the sick patients. I never thought I would be changing diapers on a 33 year old, paralyzed woman and actually looking forward to it, but there is something special about her trusting me to help her and bathe and feed her every morning. Her name is Tuli and she truly is an amazing woman.

Gugu decided she wanted to play with her gum and it took me an hour to get it, and the grass she had stuck to it, off her fingers. She continues to be my sunshine every day, even though she can be a bit of a pain when it is her bedtime. My favorite is in the mornings before she goes to school and she walks towards me, her arms too tired to lift them to hug me, and she falls into my open arms with sleepy eyes and a partial smile. I have no idea how I am going to leave this child behind when I return to the states.

Amanda (the 15 year old who was raped) and I have become like sisters now. I found out she enjoys writing and reading poetry, so I give her a new poem and inspirational quotes to read every morning and then we talk about them in the afternoon. She even wrote a poem on Ubuntu in her Zulu language and made me a copy and explained it to me. We went to the hospital this past Thursday to get her HIV results and they were negative and so I went to her counseling session with her, regarding the fact that she would be in the acute phase if she had contracted it, which means it wouldn't show up and she needs to get tested again in April, so please keep her in your prayers. She still has to be in isolation from the other mothers until we get her TB test results back, so she and I have been hanging out in the garden a lot and playing cards. I try to spoil her with candy and other things as much as possible - she has a great life ahead of her and a second chance now, thanks to Nkosi's Haven.

This morning, I went with some people to Soweto, which is the black township here with five million occupants! We heard of a grandmother who was raising 8 kids in a shack, with no toilet, clothing, food, etc. So we brought food, mattresses, clothing, blankets, and toys for the kids. The shack was made of brown paper bags and metal sheets and was 10 x 12 at most. Feces were all over the "yard" and they had one bed for all of them. It was horrible, but I was so happy we were able to help them. We are going back next week to bring more things to them and will hopefully get the kids enrolled in school. How these people maintain smiles on their faces remains a mystery to me, but continues to be an inspiration.

Other than that, I am settling into my life here for now and will make the most of my time. Tomorrow, I have promised Amanda that I will put on my climbing shoes and climb up the giant coconut tree in our yard for her entertainment. She thinks I am crazy, but we have to get creative here, lol. Sunday, the girls and I are going with some friends to a national park to see elephants and lions - woohoo, bring on the wildlife!

I hope you all are well and please continue to keep me and the people around me here, in your prayers and don't forget to cherish everything you have. Lots of love.

Ubuntu.

Reality Check

msjensmith12 — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 04:30:00 GMT

Yesterday, as we were walking to the mall and I was coming out of my cold medicine induced coma, I realized "Oh crap! I'm actually in South Africa!" It was followed with laughter by Roman and Antonia as they both simply looked over and said, "Welcome!" After doing a little shopping we jumped in another battered mini bus to head home and the driver entered to say, "Sambonini!" (which means - hello all - in a form of zulu) so I replied "Sambona!" (meaning hello) He was surprised and asked me, "Oh, you understand?" and I answered, "Si!" Now for those of you who don't know, "si" is yes in Italian and Spanish...oh well, at least I got the first part correct.

Antonia and I decided that Gugu needed a day away from the Village so last night at dinner we promised her we would take her to the mall today for ice cream and popcorn and we all had a good night's sleep to get our day started this morning. I woke up around 6am to sunlight and a clear blue sky, which hasn't happened since I arrived. So naturally I ran outside and sat in the garden all morning doing some reading and writing while two peacocks roamed around me. (btw, if your american skin hasn't seen sunlight in about a month, i would advise wearing sunscreen when in african sunlight for the first time - i look like an apple)

The doctor called to me this morning to let me know we received a new patient in last night and we would need to help out a little more than usual in the sick bay. My first task of the day, was to help bathe a 46 year old woman who has AIDS and is paralyzed in all four limbs. Walking into the room, the woman was lying there naked and I can only imagine how hard it must be for her to have to rely on strangers to take care of her. It was one of those situations where you simply don't know where to look that wont be inappropriate or demeaning to the patient. Once again though, I am thankful this place is here so she can get the help she needs.

Gugu, Antonia, Elthea (our 57 year old nurse) and I all headed out to the mall shortly thereafter. Gugu had such a fun day riding on my back, gobbling down pizza, popcorn, AND ice cream! It was so easy to get out of here and forget about what was really happening here at the village, but immediately on our return, some bad news was about to pull us all a bit down.

One of the patients is dying, literally you can see her dying. She has been in and out of the hospitals and they have brought her back so many times and she is at her end. The volunteer doctor doesn't know her situation and just arrived at the Village a couple of weeks ago and called for the ambulance to come get her and take her to the hospital, but that is not what she wants. She simply wants to die in peace, here at the Village among those who are caring for her. Elthea, our nurse came into our cottage crying and broke down because she had made a promise to the patient to not send her back to the hospital where they treat her like a dog and are too busy taking care of gunshot or stabbed victims. So we talked with her for a while and we all went to the bedside of the patient and it took everything in me that I had not to break down at that moment. It is just like you see on television, the woman is skin and bones and looks so hollow. This morning she had a small grin on her face when I told her hello, but that was about it. The difference on seeing something like this on television is that you are removed from it and you can change the channel if you would like, but she was right in front of me. She lays on her death bed not even one hundred feet from where I get a good night's rest every night. This is reality and this was my reality check.

The paramedics came and she instantly had a look of fear in her face because she does not want to die in a hospital so she refused to go and they couldn't take her. The doctor is angry with everyone because he wants her to go so they can try and continue to save her, but it is the woman's choice. Elthea and the rest of us are going to be on call all night so that there is someone sitting with her at all times when she passes and to say this is difficult is an understatement.

Words really can't express what I am feeling inside at the moment. I have never stared death in the face like this, but this happens every day, all over the world. I just hope that by reading some of this, you will all be a little more appreciative of the people and loved ones in your life, of the things you have worked hard for, of the talents and gifts you have been blessed with. For me, please call someone you love today and tell them how much they mean to you. Just take five minutes out of your busy day and put a smile on someone's face. I miss and love you all.

Ubuntu

"You want me to do what?!?"

msjensmith12 — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 21:16:00 GMT

Due to the lack of working vehicles, we have been unable to go to the main Haven with the children since I arrived, so Antonia and I decided we would go to the local mall where I could purchase a cell phone and we could eat ice cream. At first, this sounds like a wonderful idea and in my head I think we are going to take a hired car or be given a lift by someone from the Village...then Antonia drops the bomb.

"So we will walk down the hill, run across the highway, stand on the side of the highway and stick our fingers out, pointed to the right and hope that a mini bus stops and picks us up."

"I'm sorry. You want me to do what?!?"

Mind you, Antonia is 5'10", blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and German and I am, well...me. The final words Gail says as we walk out of the door are, "Don't act like tourists." Right - have you seen us? So there we go, runnimg across the highway and standing on the side like prostitutes waiting to be picked up by a random mini bus that has no marking, is half the size of a mini van but they somehow cram at least twenty people onto it. By far, the scariest experience of my life, but that is how you get around here - so unless I plan on being on house arrest, it looks like this is my only option. The funny thing, is that if you want to go to the city, you point up - you point down if you want to go out of town - if you want to go to an area where the orange groves are, you hold an invisible orange in your hand. It is so chaotic, but I love it.

The mall is cleaner and just as big as any mall in the US and things are relatively cheap. Upon our return in the mini bus, we had spaghetti for dinner - yes, spaghetti - and Gugu came back with us where we painted her toenails and dressed her up as a princess. She ran around like the energizer bunny and she continues to be an inspiration to me.

I woke up this morning and knew my cold was getting much worse so Dr.Mick gave me a check up and I have a viral infection and he gave me some meds and I am not to play with the children for a few days as their immune systems are weak. That will break my heart when I see Gugu today, but I will not risk getting her ill.

There is a 15 year old girl here in our sick bay who had her knees crushed in by men who didn't want her to get away as they raped her and we are waiting on her HIV test results and will get them on Monday. She is very quiet and scared. I truly can't even wrap my head around that kind of savage behavior. I am glad she is in a safe place now and getting the care she needs. The mothers all do the cooking, cleaning, and washing of dishes here and I know they don't feel good and are tired, so this morning I stayed after breakfast and did the dishes for everyone to give them a small break and I think I will do that every morning if I can. It's the little things that help them to know we care. Some of them don't know my name yet so they walk in and say "good morning, lady," with big smiles on their faces. It always warms my heart.

Anyway, that is the update for now. The sun has still refused to grace us with its presence, but we hear it might decide to come out and play this weekend - so cross your fingers.

As always, I send my love.

South African Cell Number

msjensmith12 — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 02:38:00 GMT

0720858643

I think the country code is 011, but double check that if you call.

xoxoxoox

"Wake up! What's your name?"

msjensmith12 — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 06:42:00 GMT

Once I finally arrived in Joburg, I didn't know which way was up or down. After being awake for 48 hours in cramped planes and airport lobbies, even the overcast, rainy skies of South Africa looked like heaven. Gail picked me up upon arrival and she is just as I had expected - loud, smoker, doesn't understand the purpose of "dry" counties in the United States, bouts of road rage and scatter brained moments, and so beautifully crazy you can't help but be intrigued with her and instantly love her at the same time. We ran a couple of errands as she pointed out different areas of the city and I truly mean this when I say they have more elaborate mansions here than Beverly Hills. There is so much money in South Africa that it really makes you wonder why there is no middle class and you go from having a mansion to then the next block over, having a shanty town and "homes" with no doors and such. We made it to the Village, which is where I am living, and she introduced me to everyone and they helped get my bags and show me around.

Everyone spoke of the little girl, Gugu, who is 4 years old, HIV positive and is an orphan who Gail took in here at the Village. They kept telling me she would steal my heart, but she was not in sight and I figured I would meet her another time. There are only five mothers here at the village and four kids and of course this is where the volunteers live. There is a journalist from Norway who just arrived and will be here for six months and she lives in a cottage with Dr. Mick who is from Israel. I live in a cottage with Antonia and Roman who are both from Germany and around 20 years old. They have been here for 7 months and are two of the kindest people I have ever met. We are getting two more female volunteers this week. Our cottage has two rooms, my romo has two sets of bunk beds and we have two bathrooms, two couches, and a television and computer. Ironically enough, Roman and Antonia are watching America's Next Top Model right now and the girls on the show are in South Africa - makes me laugh.

So I passed out as soon as Antonia made my bed and was woken up seven hours later by two small hands on my chest, a tiny African child in a pink jumpsuit with a smile that would melt your heart as she yelled "Wake up! What's your name?" I knew immediately, this was the infamous Gugu and I was instantly in love. She proceeded to tell me it was time for supper and got my shoes for me to help me put them on and then handed me my lip gloss so I could put some on her and she then grabbed my hand and led the way. She sat on my lap all through dinner and trust me when I say that if I could somehow fit her in my backpack, she would be coming home with me. It was the best way to wake up.

Supper was great and then Gugu came back with us to our cottage and we played together. I took some photos of her and then she decided it was her turn to be the photographer and ran around taking pictures of us and giggled each time the flash went off. Play time was over and Antonia took her up to the main building to get Gugu's ARV's for the night. She must stay on top of her medication because she is HIV positive and thay help to keep it under control.

The mothers here either greet you with a smile or look straight down. I can't imagine some of the things they have seen, but their resolve is impressive. I have only been here and awake for an evening, and already my life has changed. Those little things that bothered me on the plane, or the fact I have a cold right now, it all seems so trivial. I am truly blessed to have this opportunity.

This week will be spent here at the Village, acclimating to my surroundings and then my work will start next week. Each morning we get picked up at 7am and are transported to Nkosi's Haven where there are 59 children and 20 mothers. We stay there until about 6pm each evening and then return to the Village for supper. Weekends are ours to do what we wish and I am already scouting out rock climbing and such. More updates and hopefully pictures soon to come. I love you all.

Ubuntu

2007 Reflections

msjensmith12 — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 18:00:00 GMT

there is absolutely no possible way to put into words the growth i have experienced in the past year. if someone would have told me at the beginning of 2007 that i would finish up this year being sober and in AA, i would have laughed in their face and probably bought them a shot of their liquor of choice. this past year has been a complete roller coaster with some extreme highs and some extreme lows, but the ride finished with a sigh of relief and anticipation of the next time around. not the kind of anticipation that is synonymous with anxiety, but the anticipation that gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling. sobriety has brought with it tears, anger, many fears, but at this moment, it has brought me peace and serenity and for that, i am very grateful. sobriety has blessed me with such genuine friendships and such a beautiful relationship and those are two things i never valued before this moment of clarity. i have found peace in a world of chaos - i have found serenity in between my murky thoughts - i have found love because i learned to love myself - i have found a higher power who was there all along - and most importantly, i have realized that all i have is this very moment and it is up to me to make the best of it.
i wish you all peace in the new year and hope that you all remember on a daily basis, to love yourselves. once you see the good in yourself, it is impossible for others to be blinded to it. one small, good deed per day is all it takes to make the world a better place.

ubuntu,
jen

To Thine Own Self Be True

msjensmith12 — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:08:00 GMT

Here I sit - in this surreal moment and am humbled that my life has lead me to these crossroads. Never, in a million years, would I have thought I would be a SOBER college graduate, completely in love with life, my friends and family, my significant other, and most importantly - myself. I have never felt so loved in my life and I am gearing up for the opportunity to share the love that has been so graciously given to me. In about three weeks I am headed to South Africa to fulfill my dream of helping those who are less fortunate, back in the motherland. Words cannot possibly express the emotions that are coursing through my mind and my heart - all I can say is that I am forever grateful to all of the events and people in my life who have helped me get to this moment in time. This is going to be an emotional ride, but one I cannot wait to begin and share with all of you.

Ubuntu, Jen