I mean what was I thinking packing it all up, taking a few packs & taking my children to Europe with only a few weeks to plan it all? I was thinking there is only so much one person can bare without either shrinking or retreating in order to survive or not; I was thinking this could be good for all of us, to put enough distance between us & the craziness that half the time people think is a story rather than our life, I was thinking who is going to follow us or find us here. I was retreating, coming up for air & gasping actually with one last hand on my head in the week before departure. Why is it when a partner instigates proceedings in family court they say its all about the kids, the same who have lived happily with you last five years without any question of who what where & when. Why is it when a parent behaves in a way that devastates there children that they tell themselves it's all about the kids? Bull###. Best interest of children should always be started with asking them what do they want & need right now & parents away from that as they often do t like the answer. How any person who forces a child by using bullying tactics in one hand & strapped to the law in the other with a bill on the foot which drains the very funds used for those said children Oooh give me a break!
I was thinking I'm going to give my children joy, fun, love if it kills me & uses every cent I have (better they get it than solicitors & ex partners!). I was thinking I'm going to reignite those senses which became overloaded with fear, anxiety & living on such a tight budget for so long it became normal. I'm going to let them smell & feel what good Italian leather is like on their feet, grace the streets of Rome, sit in awe of renaissance master pieces, drink in architecture & smack our senses daily with incredible pastas, pizzas & lift their expectations of life from on the edge wondering when to run or hide from the next explosion or invasion of our privacy & take it to the sounds of Vivaldi in Venice, the silence & peace of a monastery, I will show them if it takes every breathe that there is more, so much more to life than what they have endured.
What we know about people who survive trauma, who break free from the hurt, the fear the living in a victim state is they have hope. They take those good, the great & those experiences that made you laugh, filled your soul with warmth & trust & a longing for more; they keep those experiences like a back up for whenever the system fails & it will, it does, time & time again. I know so, I kept in the a warmth of my soul, the hands of my son, our cuddles & every look, hug & moment til his last breathe, I kept a time locked in history that at one time I was more than a doormat for someone's mental health issues, the births of my children, there first everything, brushing their hair as they'd go to sleep & yes even a few moments when I nearly got it right; these all get me up, keep me going , one foot in front of the other; they give me hope, despite how desperately fragile that might be right now.
When we travel, when we breathe in the tranquility of a gondola ride in Venice, playing naughts & crosses & your 8 year old wins & says "finally I'm wining something" after trying hard all year at school in an environment that doesn't measure by vocal or theatrical talent & promotes the best while the others just get to keep trying, all at 249km an hour speeding through Tuscany, when your children hug you with such gratitude in their touch & tell you thank you so many tthou you tell them they've said it enough, when they stand in breathtaking silence at the works of Michaelangelo, moved with emotion at the devastation of Pompeii, even the giggles at the constant sights if naked buff male sculptures, Milano cheese dripping from their mouths & you let it continue down their fingers with a smile, these people are moments that rebuild the cracks, heal wounds, these moments of fine Murano glass blown into life size balloons, of learning to use the laundromat using Italian from your trusty vocabulary book, learning on the spot, hearing your children use their manners in another language neither you or a teacher taught them, seeing them take on orienteering their overloaded & brain fried Mum around the world's most incredible cities like a professional tour guide! I can tell you I was thinking this was what we all needed.
I had desensitized to life, a good life, a fun or joyous life. I'm not there yet & don't get me wrong, thus is not all smiled & pizza. I still sleep very little, I now use those hours to upload pics, organise the next stage of our journey, I still pick up clothes off the bathroom floor, tidy dishes, put their clothes out for the day, we still need to eat & I'm an on my own grown up with my own baggage to unpack. There are some tears & I've never been so grateful for a bath as in Venice. I quietly fill the tub at 0230, bubbles, a cup of tea, my journal & slip into the darkness to recharge for another day of walking 7-8 hrs with an 8 & 16 yr old. They still argue over who has the window seat on every transport, they need a cuddle at exactly the same time as the other child, still can't find socks & hair bands & brushes & life goes on, there is no such thing as a day off from parenting. In some ways travelling as a single parent with kids is harder than staying put. It's 24/7, no school breaks, no childcare, no ensuite to hide in. It's just us & our baggage, finding our way.
We asked the universe to show us how to eat & enjoy food again, when life is chaotic & you are always on edge it depletes your senses, she gave us pasta, pesto & Parmesan to die for; we asked to remind us of our faith, in people, in each other, in all things, in life; we've walked the streets of begging, of helping carry bags for the elderly, the kindness of a tour guide who promotes Lu to chief guide, finding patience, beauty & humanity everywhere we go & when we asked to remind us & find us love we drank Venice. It might not mend what is broken, yet maybe we'll remember how to dream again, maybe we'll remember why we are here, all of us, remember how truly remarkable is our gift of life; to never take one moment fir granted, to feel blessed to have shoes to walk in, food to eat & a warm bed.
Grazie Italy, thank you xo
