Have you ever had the need to lay on the floor, not just a minute or when there was no room on the sofa, kids had pushed you out of bed or you ended up there after too many merlots. That moment when the only place you can go to stop the world spinning requires letting your legs go out from under you & sit down, on the timber. Slowly you embrace it, easy onto your side & put your hands under your cheek so you can feel for the first time nothing can get much lower. It's gone, most of what was there yesterday is gone & you don't know what will be there tomorrow & how long you can stay here before someone misses you is unknown. There are dishes to do & phone calls to return, washing to hang, uniforms to press, clothes to fold, there is stuff, just stuff all ahead of you & all behind you & it will still be there whether you get up or not.
How many times you've been here is unknown, it feels like you've lived here it's been that often. That part that is missing, it's been a long time gone & you were just about home, with the magic of a Disney movie, just about just wasn't good enough this time, stuff like that doesn't happen to people like you.
How many knocks can one person take, maybe this is some experiement karma, you may want to remember that next time you get up to researching again, if that will happen we don't know do we. You don't know much, you don't know where you are, where you were, for a moment there you thought you just about had it all, nearly, but not quite enough. So close & yet now so far, it's gone & you can't make it better with a kiss on the forehead or a band-aid or a hug, it just isn't going to get better this time.
You were already here hanging onto to the edges of the floor when someone pulled out the rug, the one that wasn't even there to protect you from the cold that was going to hit hard. You wish you could cry it out & the tears won't fall, you wish you could hit that bag hard the way you can when you vent, you wish the right person would call & make it all better & they don't. You wish this wasn't your life & it is.
Get up damn it, get up, that is what you do. You get up & you go forward. Get up off the floor, this won't solve anything. No one is going to come & save you from yourself, no one will get you off that floor, just get up.
Go, just go. Pack it all, call in the removers, adopt out the animals which no longer need you, board that ones you can't part with or stand to grieve another loss, just do it. Don't wait to fuss with online booking & searching, you don't need that right now. You need an agent, a place to go, a plane & you might need new backpacks, a big one, a medium size & a little one.
You can do this. Get up off the floor. You can't fix what feels broken, what is hurting down there, you won't find the pieces of something which is missing, gone. It's gone, they've gone. Get up.
So we have the packs, we have an itinerary, we have a plan. We've printed maps, grabbed writing journals, kids are drawing their options, ideas & mind maps, wants & dreams. We laughed for the first time in so long, I heard laughter & the tears arrived, it hurt to hear them laughing & happy, had it really been that long, was I really that good at pretending it wasn't like that.
Don't think about it, those moments when you were happy, it will start to hurt again & you won't get off this floor. Think shoes, Italian leather, soft & ooooh the feel, think pasta, the best Italian pasta, French pastry, a good English pub. Think friends, family, laughing, roaming. Those days of sweet abandonment, new faces, new places, fun & joy. Think joy. Christmas, a white Christmas, friends who see you as you are & have known you all this time. Think Paris, it's always a good idea to think of Paris & put that memory back in the place you kept it safe all this time, it isn't your time my dear, just isn't right.
We are going to eat, eat the most amazing European food; we are going pray, for good health, safe travels & beautiful memories. We are going to love, love with all we have & all we had, take all that love & let it steer you forward, one foot in front of the other & don't forget to hold their hands, to laugh, to cuddle & to have the best time ever.
So bring on the adventure, bring on the courage to get these feet one step in front of the other, bring on the damn bloody good friends who are right there helping me do this, to pack, to board the animals, to support, encourage & pass the tissues & screw the ones who walked away.
Stay tuned, this is going to be one hell of a ride & you might not want to miss this xoxo
