Unravel, Anchor, Repeat Volunteering in Nepal; Taking A Break From Life

I had a hearty breakfast at the New Orleans Café all the while wishing my laptop was working or if I was smart enough, should have gotten it fixed back in NY instead of running around in Nepal trying to find someone who is qualified enough to know what is wrong with it, let alone how to fix it. We listened to Pierce The Veil while smoking weed and all I thought about was how much I missed that boy. I am listening to it right now and it goes down very smoothly, like my papaya lassi but with deliciously sharp buds of passion.

I really enjoy reading other people's journal entries and also, books about journalists and NGO founders and volunteers. I like reading about their step-to-step physical, mental and emotional processes and how they deal with mistakes, setbacks, depression. I prefer to study and observe before I plunge into something. It is my fear that I am doing it wrong, wasting money and time, and causing more harm than good. Well, this is the very beginning of the learning stage for me. I am so glad C is here because I have been asking him tons of questions. Questions I have asked several people who gives me either different stories or no stories. And in return, C gives me much more information that I had asked for, in good and bad ways. But truth is always good. I was horrified; I am horrified and trying not to see it all in black and white. People are selfish, people are businessmen.

I have slept like a baby since I have been here except for the last two nights. It could be the ongoing conversations in my head, my loose predictions of the future, etc, or my increased intake of caffeine. It's probably both. Caffeine is probably what's been causing me vivid night dreams, probably, wait no…hmm.

I raised my voice for the first time last night when the children kept pestering me to get them a DVD. The sadness and anger has been bubbling in me for several occasions now. The thing that set me off was that they had no respect for my No. I got tired of thinking they think I am their personal, magical, foreign ATM. There are some kids who are little and I don't doubt their sincerity, not even one bit. But the older ones, esp. the boys, they are hard to say.

Which brings me to my next point; the continuing parade of volunteers who only stays a few weeks and brings them all kinds of presents is not good for them. Volunteers need to be told on what to do and what not to do. I was given no instructions and while I have never been a structured, rigid person…this lack of instructions is damaging the kids. It's also hard for volunteers to do anything substantial. There is giving love and affection, but just as when you first get a dog home (and I learned this the hard way), structure and discipline is just as important, along with love and affection. While volunteers can easily give love and affection, discipline and structure is harder. They have very little discipline, except for smacks when they are obviously and physically misbehaving. But what about teaching them manners, basic manners. Volunteers are not ATMs. I did not do them any good giving them things when I haven't also given out structure and discipline. But who am I to discipline and teach the kids? I am about to leave, anything I do will be forgotten, a waste of time.

Well…if volunteers are given instructions to do both, to love and to teach, then each volunteer will be seen as more of a parent. A parent is what they need the most. Then the kids will know to always respect, not just request endlessly about this and that. And it is unfortunate that this can't be a permanent thing, the loving and the teaching. Consistency is also so important. Maybe it is better than nothing. Yes, it is better than nothing, but changes need to be made.

But…who is going to be in charge of this? I am leaving very soon.

I am itching to get out of Kathmandu Valley. My snot is always black. I am tired of being here. I need the beauty that Nepal promises, vast, natural beauty of a lake reflecting the mountains. And also, another volunteer learning opportunity.