This disorganization with photos and writing is terrible. The internet is so slow here and the keyboards cranky that I can't edit anything; can barely put the first drafts down. When it comes to writing, I am a perfectionist and I linger. Anyway. Moving on.
I am sitting in an empty Internet Café in town freezing. I went to Nagarkot with one of the orphanage's fund-ers in his car. I found the landscape along the way extremely interesting. I loved looking at the people carrying on with their daily routines, the adults sitting outside their shops, the kids running around and the stray dogs roaming and sniffing each other. We circled our way up a decent-sized mountain with views of vast green fields, trees and all these houses built on the ridges. Some houses were big and modern; some were shacks and some others were really medieval looking structures.
Before we got to the mountain though, we had to drive down a highway with city slums on both sides going on and on into the horizon. That wasn't awesome, but for some people, apparently the city slums are better than remote villages up in mountains. The buildings were three or four stories high, really old and worn and gray. The air was clogged, full of dust and the noise and presence of cars, people and motorcycles everywhere, in all directions. The slums seriously stretched on indefinitely. The most industrial area I have seen so far with factories and warehouses.
The morning we drove back down, I saw these lone kids standing by the ridge in their neat, navy blue school uniforms waiting for the bus to pick them up. It was so cute and touching. They were totally alone, by themselves, by the side of a medium-sized mountain looking so vulnerable, waiting to be picked up for their education. By the way, the mountain air was fantastic; so full and fresh, like downing a slim glass of chilled water. The hotel sucked, especially for 1500 Rupees, and it was without a decent view. The horizon was extremely cloudy/foggy that day and the next morning for some reason so the sole motive of going up to Nagarkot was lost. But it was nice seeing the changing landscapes and the lifestyles of people who lived in houses built on the edge of mountain ridges. We also passed along the edge of Bhaktapur. It didn’t look as enchanting as my Lonely Planet claims, but maybe that was too far out of the center of tourism. I’d like to go back at some point, yes, to check it out.
I got the kids chocolate cereal ‘Chocos’ and heated up some powder-milk yesterday. It was a huge hit but the last few kids didn't get enough. Next time I would have to get two boxes of cereal to sufficiently feed them. Sometimes these kids don't remember to say thank you and they bicker a lot over stuff, actually, over everything and anything. It drives me crazy when they bicker constantly. I suppose that's normal for kids. Sometimes one would be sitting on my lap and then, start yelling at the top of his/her voice at someone else, making my ear cry. One of my favorites, Mindul, is actually one of the loudest, but they all have full capability to be the loudest.
I can't believe it is February already. This cafe is extremely fucking cold. I have more to say; but my fingers are frozen.
I am getting ready to go to Pokhara for 2-3 weeks. I am thinking about doing the Annapurna Circuit Trek also, but first I need to do some walking around here and get some practice. I am seriously out of shape. I don’t know how one could gain weight while staying with a group of orphans but that is exactly what is happening to me. It’s either the dal bhat or Thamel tourist food, most likely the latter. In any case, this shouldn’t be happening and I need to get off my butt and do some trekking.
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I am now in Thamel with much faster Internet (and for the first time since I have arrived in Nepal, editing with Microsoft Word and it feels like eating a hearty meal after fasting, okay, I am getting carried away), after having a good lunch at the K-Too Beer and Steakhouse. I am listening to Robyn's Dancing On My Own with headphones, Katy Perry and other songs. I so miss listening to 'American' music. My hotel room at the Tibet Guest House today is a few notches better than the room I previously stayed in. The price should be the same but this one comes with a little kitchen, a huge bed and a bathtub. It is not ready yet so I am killing some time. I am glad I decided to duck in; I really miss writing, thinking, listening to music, filling my mind with random knowledge from Wikipedia and so forth. Maybe I can even watch a show or two and burn through another 300 Rupees.
I made a mistake earlier in my stay 'throwing ideas around' with the kids. I unintentionally made promises I couldn't keep. I am still a child myself and definitely not one of the most responsible and on-top-of-things person. I have whimsical wishes; like changing my plan to go to Nepal practically at the last minute. I forgot that when it comes to a bunch of kids, it is better to have everything decided before telling them. That is something I have to work on, for a while now. Keeping promises and responsibilities. Nine of the kids were offered to be taken to picnic spots by their school on Friday for 300 Rs. each so I agreed to pay the amount since I had put the field trip on hold. But since nine of them were going, the other ten wanted to go somewhere also. And I felt obligated to make all of them happy. After some yelling, disagreements, ideas, I am taking the remaining kids to the Children’s Park with Auntie and Hari. Since it is ten kids and not nineteen, we can manage the local bus and save like 2,000 Rs. I told the kids going to the picnic that I’d get them packed breakfast Friday morning and somehow that calmed the feelings of wanting to go to Children’s Park also instead of the school picnic. So the field trip has been settled and everyone is happy.
Basically with the children, I am trying to put myself into the shoes of a parent (which may be my second mistake). I want them to feel comfortable asking me when they need something, but at the same time it is hard to do that with nineteen children. When you buy one child something, you have to buy the others the same thing. 100 Rs isn’t a lot, but times nineteen, it boggles the mind. I think maybe I am ‘treating’ them too much, but at the same time if I were their parent, I would be doing the same thing, feeding them nice snacks and getting them DVDs. I hope I am not spoiling them. Spoiling children is very bad. They also lack a role model/disciplinary person, basically they lack a parent. I don’t know how other orphanages work. Probably the older ones have several permanent caretakers who meet basic needs. But along with basic needs, children also need to be ‘raised’ with good manners, values, principles, compassion, etc. Am I being too idealistic? The purpose of orphanages is to take care of abandoned children, but at the same time it is raising these children. They spend a lot of time in school so hopefully they are getting useful things from their lessons and teachers. But at the orphanage, they lack … a parent. They are good, happy children, some of them are more polite than others, some more affectionate.
There is nothing more perfect than reading a good book in a café with milk tea. Milk tea here is excellent, replacing my coffee-desires. There is no good American coffee to be had here.
I feel like I have done as much as I can and learned as much as I can at the orphanage. I am eager for another project, another environment, a new set of questions. I have gotten to know and exchanged affections with the kids, some more than others. I have given them treats and cooked for them, read to them, helped with homework, watched television and played outside with them, laughed with them. There’s not more that I can do but continue what I am doing, but continuing means there won’t be anything new.
I have developed an interest and concern with sex trafficking from finishing Half the Sky. I want to read Somaly Mam. If I had more money, if I felt like I could, I would like to volunteer at New Lights in Kolkata. But I should probably save that for another trip. I have one and a half month here left to explore Nepal. Not long, not short.
I feel a bit exhausted, a bit cynical, a bit empty-minded. My vision is dizzy when I walk down the streets. I am thinking and thinking. I am a very reserved person and not the most willing to trust. But at the same time, I hold high ideals and I am disappointed when they are not met, anyway, even when I don't trust. I don't trust the salesmen, I don't trust the people around me, I don't trust myself. I am thinking, thinking and reading a lot and I am figuring a way out of something I have been stuck in for a while now.
