so--today (actually yesterday) i got a job offer from a studio that i have admired since college--something that i thought i've wanted for over 8 years: to live in Paris and practice/study under a european designer. so, as it's been swirling around in my head for the past 24 hours i realize that what i've had at home, i've been ungrateful for. i've been standing on my little patch of very beautiful green grass and looking across the valley to see what's lying over there instead. cliche, but true.
i'm not sure what has been a bigger dream in my life: to own my own company or to live abroad. i have my own business currently and it's given me the freedom (although not without challenges) to travel abroad, and for a decent enough period of time that i'm homesick a little. the thought of leaving san diego--even with Todd there--gives me that 'hole in the stomach' feeling.
the first moment that i stepped off of the plane from Texas and into San Diego, i knew it was 'home'. i was excited about everything to do with moving there--every experience near the ocean, learning to surf, watching my children grow up on the sand and in an environment such as what San Diego would provide. i don't think i can leave that...i don't have that feeling about Paris.
i also see me traveling to MANY parts of th world--not at all confined to Europe or Asia or one place over another. the beauty of making my company work is that it gives me time to do other things that i love like writing, painting, photography and travel--and most importantly taking care of my future family (ya know--like 30 years from now!).
reflecting on where I am in my life and the decision that i made to even walk into that office and sit down for an interview, i had an epiphany of why i was truly there.
my senior year of college, i was to move to Paris and study architecture at a French speaking school and live that dream out for a year before returning to embark on my career as an architect (which has always been focused toward business ownership).
then i met Todd...
and because of his military status at the time, he could not leave the country. i knew myself well enough at the time to know that a long distance relationship with me living in the most romantic city on the planet wasn't going to work--and I chose Todd over that dream.
i never regretted the decision the entire time that we were together, until our recent split. then i had feelings of regret for 'giving myself up' for him.
the epiphany that i had was this: i never gave myself up for him at all. i chose for me what mattered more at that time in my life. this wasn't a man that i was casually dating. this was who i wanted to spend forever with. give up a year in paris for that? hell yeah...and i'd do it again.
seeing myself in that office the other day, i saw a girl that was trying to 'get herself back' by retracing 'lost' steps that were, in fact, never 'lost'. what i gained was a beautiful relationship with someone that i will treasure for the rest of my life. and inside that relationship and the challenges that we faced with it, my business was born.
i haven't lost anything at all. all the while i had been building on a 'new self'--not losing one.
and i fucking like her.
she's been very scared lately to be honest. and confused--and running like the wind. trying to outrun hurts, 'losses' and Life. but it's not being outrun. it's traveling along with her as part of who she is now--part of who i am now and the only 'loss' i will have is the lost opportunity to deal with it properly if i keep ignoring it and trying to run from it.
living in Paris is not going to lessen my hurt. it's not going to mend a 7 year relationship gone wrong. it's not going to 're-create Tiffany', or give 'me' back.
i am here...and i'm coming home. to MY grass. to MY hurt. to MY company. to MY choices. to MY self. to my VERY beautiful Life--and I'm happy and resolved about this decision. i already have the Life and Self that I want. I am my own dream.
no city, not even Paris, will ever give me more than that.
