NEWSFLASH!
It has come to our attention that Turkmenbashi, the despot-in-residence of Turkmenistan, is about to release an album. And why the hell not - he has his own country, builds anything he wants and makes the national newspaper publish his poetry. It's about time that he showed more of his talents.
Through our sources we have managed to get hold of the lyrics for a couple of the songs and we are very, very excited to share these with the world -
(Sung to the tune of ACDC's "TNT")
See me ride out of Communism,
In my brand new country.
Out for all I can get,
If you know what I mean.
Statues to the left of me,
Palaces to the right.
You ain't got no votes.
Ain't got no rights.
So don't start no fight.
Cos I'm Turk-men-Bashi, I'm a dynamite
Turk-men-bashi and I'll win the fight
Turk-men-bashi I'm a power load
Turk-men-bashi watch me explode!
(Sung to the tune of the Beatle's "Yellow Submarine")
In the town where I was born,
Lived a man called Turkmenbashi.
And he told us of his life,
Through a propaganda machine.
So he took over the land,
Now we won't have democracy,
And we live in isolation,
In a propaganda machine.
We all live in a propaganda machine,
Propaganda machine, propaganda machine
We all live in a propaganda machine,
Propaganda machine, propaganda machine.
Rumour has it that other songs on the album include Enter Turkman (a version of Metallica's "Enter Sandman"), You Can't Film This (a rewrite of MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This", a touching celebration of the regulations banning tourists from photographing any local people) and a version of Shirley Bassey's classic "Goldfinger".
But it doesn't stop there! He is also discussing with Andrew Lloyd Weber about the possibility of musical in which he will star. The tentative title is "Turkmenbashi and his Mono-authoritarian Dream State". And last but not least, he will be releasing his own mobile phone ring tone, aptly titled "Crazy Turkmenbashi".
The great man has also been in the international news lately. He has generously granted a pardon to a number of convicted criminals, including eight men who were charged with attempting to assasinate him in 2002. How very generous of the great leader! However there are rumours that he actually organised the botched attempt so that he would have an excuse to lock up his political opponents...http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6058248.stm
My personal favourite though is his latest construction - a building shaped like a giant book that glitters in the dark! It is dedicated to the free press of Turkmenistan. That is a touch ironic when you consider that all media in Turkmenistan is state-controlled and any journalists who have voiced dissent have been imprisoned. http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6063700.stm
Yes, we admit that we have an unhealthy obsession with Turkmenbashi. But how could you not? This is a man who has constructed an incredible Olympic Stadium even though Turkmenistan has never sent a team to the Olympics. This is the man who officially renamed the month of April to that of his mother. I'm sure Freud would have some interesting comments about that.
