I can't compete any more. They win! tHey don't want me around, I won't be. They get mad at me because I'm not part of hte group when others are around but don't they see that they are making me this way?
We're doing ministry. We're all going to coffee shops. "so who is going with who?" I'm pretty sure they said everything possible to get out of comitting to go with one of us. As we stood waiting for Boram to pack her food, "well we cna't all ditch her..." I thought we were all waiting for her. They took a few steps and said "sooo....." So what? Just say it! Don't beat around the bush because then you make me feel even more unliked, unwanted and like you can't be hones. "Like you can't be" well I guess they can't be, can they?
I toild them to go I love Boram. I will be with her. They very obviously didn't want to be separated and were going to do everythign they could to keep it from happening. Besides I wasn't going to cause a fight with them just because I want to spend some time with one of them. My thought is, Change it up a bit. Separate from the norm. But ther eis no way that'll happen.
We are goign to a coffee shop. We are all doing the same thing. We are going to all be on the same page. Why not let me in? Take advantage of the time I'm there to switch it up? They know I want in. They know it's an issue. They say they want me to do things with them. That when I tich them it seems like I don't care. It's not that I don't care but I definitely jump at the opportunity to hang out with people that don't make me feel like I'm forcing them. That make me feel welcome, wanted and genuinely appreciated. I haven't been getting that from the. I've felt rejected and extremely unwanted. The opposite from what anyone desires.
I want to stop trying to join in. Stop asking"hey who's going to be with who?" I always know what the answer is going to be. I'm just fishing. Hopeing that one day I'll catch a different answer. I'm running out of time though. and bate. My line is geting worn out from being out there too long and the knot holding my lure is about to come undone. I'm ready to call it quits. It'd be so easy to just give up. Too bad I can't. Too bad I don't completely want to. Too bad God's told me not to.
I may not see any amazing ending to this struggle but I'll learn soemthing. I'll get whatever out of it that I can. It would be worse to end this trip and say "we're not friends because I didn't try" and "what if I had only..." No I won't quit. I won't give up. I will continue to try. As much as I struggle with always being king no matt what happens, I will always enjoy my loving friend Boram and continue to ask "who is with whom" not assume the answer I know, will always be the one I will get.
