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You Can't Ride Around With A Tiger On Your Bike One man-cub, one motorbike. And a tiger-striped poncho, just in case.

Shanghai (Airport)

CHINA | Wednesday, 7 September 2011 | Views [857]

I can see Gods house from here. Haha no I can't, them's just cloud and sky, innit.

I can see Gods house from here. Haha no I can't, them's just cloud and sky, innit.

Melbourne to UK via Shanghai Pudong Airport. Haha, dong! I was to stay at airport for around sixteen hours, couldn't leave to explore Shanghai unfortunately as I hadn't teed up a transit visa. Meh.

Arrived Shanghai airport at some ungodly hour. Maybe 6:66, I dunno. So very tired, ten hours in the air. Ten hours is a long time to spend in a wing-ed tube. The plane is made of metal, the wings are made of metal, we're all eating, I'm the only non-terrorist on board, we're all going to die. The food though was fantastic. I hate fish, but I ordered fish, and it was so good I ordered it again. Two meals served, all the wine and tomaytoe tomartoe juice I could sup, yay China Eastern Airways!

My most memorable moment was watching the in-fright safety video presentation thingy. "Pull out the artificial gas tubes, and huff them with your mouth," said the stewardess. Everything else shown on the screens was rubbish, four very bad Chinese movies, terrible subtitles (learn from SBS and change the subtitle colour from white to yellow, dammit), lucky I'd scored three middle seats all to myself so I stretched out and kipped for most of the trip. The staff were kind enough to wake me with a gentle tap from the airline meal and drink trolleys. Hangovers ain't the only pain alcohol inflicts to yer head.

Getting through customs at Shanghai was fun, everyone was super-friendly. I think. A lot of gesturing towards me and laughing. Wandered around the terminal for about an hour (huge fuck-off terminal, would haf been very impressive was I not so tired), looking for a place to nap. Summed up the courage to take the lifts to a place that offered lots of questionable massage but it turned out to be two pretty neat airport hotels.

Had my first cigarette in seventeen hours, aaaaahhh, then checked in to errrmm.. lemme check the receipt.... Dazhong Merrylin Konggang Hotel. Mm yes, something like that. About $70AUD for a night, in their most expensive suite available. Only the best for me. Well, I wanted their cheapest, the 'special' suite, but everything was booked out. How convenient eh :)

I watched some fun fun gameshows on my huge flat-screen (the usual Chinese stuff where contestants push each other over then laugh and group-hug), had a shower for half an hour (no Melbourne water-restrictions here!) then napped for about six hours. Up at 9am to pack and check in for my midday flight.

Waited at the waity place, whatever you call it, I'm not sure because I'm drunk. Tiger beer, mmm. That's Malaysian right? I also had Corona. Mexican. My three favorite beers. It was at 11:30, half an hour before boarding, that I realised I didn't turn my clock back two hours. Aw poo. 9:30, I'm intoxicated, three hours to burn before departure, have about a hundred Yuan in my wallet and am surrounded by stores selling one of my biggest vices. Cute fluffy panda accessories, tiiii!! But I behaved, I saved my monies for bear (ahahaha shut up Will) necessities, like vegetable noodle soup (was I to know this was to be my last awesome meal for the next few days, I'd have ordered seconds) and more beer.

Flight boarding in half an hour, I'm a tad restless and stiff so I wander around to an empty part of the terminal and exercise. Sit-ups, push-ups, stretchy stretchy. Two security cameras turn to watch me, so I stop this abhorrent behavior and take a seat to flip through a Chinese newspaper upside-down.

Bye Shanghai, I wish I could haf seen more of you. Alas, too much smog in the air.


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