Vietnam, that aching wound of a country, saps in the rot and
garbage from elsewhere. Here those very things that outgrew their novelty back
home live on in a second life of endearment and idolization. It’s like an early
90s school disco you’re doomed never to forget – where all the boys wear shades
and the girls get wet to the sound of Cotton Eye Joe. I’m just waiting for John
Fashanu and The Wolf from Gladiators to come out of the woodwork and warm up the
bloodthirsty crowds. Here they are - the top five unforgivable sins of this
nation.
1.
Backstreet Boys, Boyzone, Take That and more
-
The radio and stereo systems of the country are
clearly stuck in a transistor-like time warp unable to shift away from the
suicide enticing sounds of 90’s pop. Forget what John Lennon said, here the
Backstreet Boys are bigger than Jesus. Revealing a taste in them is also cool.
What the fuck is this - a parallel universe? Ronan Keating can slurp up my
entrails from the nearest abattoir.
2.
Mr Bean
-
Mr Bean is at the pinnacle of slapstick humour,
which is just about the most these straight edged people can handle. Forget inward
looking, sardonic comedy – these guys want the cheap thrills variety, the kind
where Mr Bean talks to a teddy and enters it at Crufts. They dig that shit like
its Chris Morris boundary pushing fare.
3.
Tin Tin
-
Tin Tin in Saigon, Tin Tin and Snowy on holiday in
Hanoi, Tin Tin takes on the Khmer Rouge – what the hell? Tin Tin plasters
everything: badges, T-shirts, posters, billboards – get your Tin Tin tampons
everyone! There’s no end to his marketability. The Vietnamese are going to
cream their pants when they finally get their hands on the upcoming Spielberg
film, even if Bill Elliot is made to look like a Pixar man.
4.
Phlegm
-
There are strictly no taboo’s when it comes to orifice
leakage above the neck in Vietnam. Noodles and pork lumps fly out of chomping
mouths, ears are pounded on to squeeze out water and the sinus is raped and
pillaged for all the catarrh it holds. Churning up a fat one is the norm; do on
your bike, at home, in a restaurant, at the pool, anywhere. Just make sure there
are at least thirty people in earshot of that grinding nasal whine. That’s the
way to do it – real sly. Girls too.
