I’m a little xe-om driver short and stout, I drive on two
wheels, with my jacket inside out… My name is Phuc, which is hilarious to most
of my customers. I come from a long line
of motorbike taxi drivers, my uncle drove the first Honda to ever arrive in Viet
Nam way back in 1980. I eat pho for breakfast, again for lunch and finally for
dinner. I have a largely disheveled appearance compensated only my big puppy
dog eyes and toothless grin. I’ve learnt enough English to get by, I can say;
‘very far’, ‘where you go’, ‘motorbike’ - very practical, ‘where you from’ and
I can quote any price in US dollars off the bat. I want to tell you the story
of my day, it’s very interesting and I hope the reader can forgive any loose
translations.
Firstly, I work my patch day and night. I rise at 6am, play
a bit of Badminton, get to my corner at 7am and wait and stare all day long for
some luckless foreigner. When I see said foreigner I shall accost them both
vicariously and aggressively until unwillingly that foreigner asks to either a)
go to the palace of reunified bodies, or, b) go to some quaint little haunt in
the backpacker area. Feigning ignorant to any answer that is not these two
destinations is the usual process, as is grabbing their map or directions and
jabbing my long talon along its seams. If the foreigner is either a) a youthful
man or b) a youthful woman, I shall proceed to comment on their appearance and
make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. It’s customary in their culture to
feel stuffy and irritated. Doing this also ensures that they will always come
back to Phuc – crazy motorbike man, day after day.
When my day is shaping up to be a good one, being that some
fresh faced young whippersnapper has no real sense of cost, I pay a visit to
Crazy Fashions Ltd and purchase for my daughter the latest trendy gear. She
likes the garish T-shirts best, the ones emblazoned with big English slogans
like “I’m a hard habit to break” or “My boyfriend doesn’t know I’m gay”. She
wears these every Tet, we do laugh, Jane and I. Jane’s my partner, she is the
lonesome divorcee of a sexpat gone AWOL up the Mekong Delta. The horror, the
horror.
Anyway, my day usually gets done at about 10pm when I go and
hit the bia hoi. There I get me some lovely snails and if I’m a little more
hungry a bit of flat squid. I usually just sit and watch other people. It’s
good this xe-om business. I’ll be around for a while yet. Thanks for listening
and if you’re ever in town, well you know who to call. I’ll be growing my
fingernail in anticipation.
