With less than a week to go before my year in SE Asia comes to an end I am in a reflective mood, captured by my memories and experiences of places and people who have come into my life during this year, the communities and projects I have been involved in, and the challenges and euphoric moments I have shared. I am caught between the excitement of going home to familiar faces and places, and the fear of leaving this experience behind me.
Many people issued the warning before I left that “your life will have changed”, “life won’t be the same on your return” and “you won’t be able to ‘go back’ to the way things were”. I shrugged and thought, “We shall see”.
It seems that there are many different kinds of travelers. Of course there are the “holiday makers”, who spend big, travel fast, sight see and /or simply relax in one destination. There are the group tourists in buses and expensive hotels. And there are a number of different kinds of constant world explorers or long term travelers. I have met a number of these travelers that stand out in my mind while I’ve been away.
The first was a forty odd year old New Zealand man who proudly stated that he’d been on the road for 21 years. We were sitting in a café in northern Laos with two young female university students from America. I was instantly intrigued by his life style and choices. The girls looked equally captivated. He was obviously used to impressing people with his stories and life style. The conversation deepened. So in my usual fashion I inquired more personally. “But what is your purpose for this kind of travel? What are you doing with your life?” The girls sat up with eager anticipation and bewilderment. “Mmmm” , he said. “ I have never really thought about that question. Nobody has ever asked it.”
“So what is it?”
He sat and pondered.
“I guess like everyone it is to find a soul mate.” He said, “Someone to share my life with. I would like to have a family one day”. Now we were all sitting backs straight in our chairs. I could not for the life of me imagine a western woman ready to have a family, who would choose this kind of life-style or man, with nothing to show but a colorful history and backpack. The conversation progressed and he shared some of his history with us. Each story sounded amazing and exotic. The more he told, the less envious I /we became. We all shared about our experiences, intentions, our fears, hopes, and our attitude toward life.
In the end he was left wondering for the first time, I think, what he was going to make of his life and perhaps wondering why he had the need to keep moving on to new experiences, meeting new people, and leaving them behind to go on to the next.
He was an expert traveler. He knew how to get around, how to live on a shoe string and how to encounter people in order to fulfill his needs.
Two days later when I saw him arrive at the table disheveled and tired looking, he triumphantly announced he had been caught up for the past two days in a blind Lao woman’s bed. “It was amazing” he said with a sparkle in his eye. I couldn’t help but wonder about the emptiness and fullness of this exchange and the woman’s desperation to share herself in this way to a man that gave endless short term pleasure and comfort and hope to so many women all over the world. Loving them and leaving them, with the hope that one day he would return. This seems to be a characteristic of many “long term traveling males”. Or was it another valuable lesson for me to accept each others differences and choices without judgment, and appreciate each moment in time? Fine I suppose so long as people aren’t used and left broken hearted along the way for the sake of fulfilling someone else’s needs.
Many men in Asia fall victim to the pretty bar girls whose sole intent is to marry a man from the “west”. Some hook up with Asian women, get married and become ex-pats where they establish businesses and spend their years flying backwards and forwards to visit family and get a dose of “home” then return back to Asia where they have seemingly more kudos and status than “back home”, and where their money is a small fortune compared with the economy of the west.
There are many young (and older) men from Europe who spend their winters in Asia and return each year to their pretty Asian girlfriends. I can’t count the number of times I heard these girls tell me that; “We are getting married next year”…I wonder how many actually do, or is it just a promise, and a well established fantasy from both sides.
Asia is well known for its sex trade, young pretty girlfriends and brides. The women are expert at the art of flirting. Men’s egos lap it up. I have sat for hours in restaurants, coffee shops and bars observing the different relationships. Some are very respectful, but most very shallow and short lived I am guessing. There is something very sad and pathetic about these situations, these people, and it’s also very confronting to my personal values. It has been quite a challenge to me to observe and accept the way things are here. At times I have felt physically sick at the sight of these men with the women here. I have spoken with many people on this topic and it is true that many other men and women find it repulsive (sorry but that’s the only word I can find). A few men, I chatted with who had their own sense of integrity did not want to travel in Asia because they were constantly assumed to be on the hunt. But it is what it is; you either close your eyes to it, or go to places where it is not so much ‘in your face’.
I am aware that much of this essay so far focuses on the men I have met, rather than the women who are roaming the world in search of something; perhaps the elusive ‘soul mate’, companion, ‘trophy’ wife/husband, or simply, ‘sex partner’. That is because I truly did not meet many women my age traveling in this way. Of course, this is Asia and not the west coast of Africa, for many people have told me that it is the reverse situation over there, with more women of that ilk foraging for the same experiences there that men do in Asia. These observations are based on my own experiences in SE Asia and it is well known that Asia is one of the sex capitals of the world for men. You can’t avoid it when you travel here.
Indeed I have met quite a number of people who travel as an alternative to a long term and committed relationship, for what ever reason travel fills their lives up with other things, and avoids the commitment to a relationship and so called ‘normal’ life. There are people I met who dedicate their heart and energy to a particular cause, or project as an alternative to relationships or family life. They have given up on the chance of sharing their lives with another, or simply didn’t want it.
A woman who I was very inspired by put all her time, energy and passion in to the disabled children in Vietnam by way of setting up physiotherapy sessions, training and education for these families for the previous eight years before I met her. She had no time for a partner as she said.
I met a man in his late thirties who worked for one month as a computer programmer, then traveled for the next month. He had been doing this for seven years, and must have seen a huge amount of the world and its wonders. He had written a book on travel, but I couldn’t help but question how he would ever stop this lust for adventure in preference for a lasting relationship or family. He also expressed this dilemma or rather consequence of choice, as he did express a desire to one day ‘settle down’. But perhaps this is the luxury of choice we have in the west.
“A rolling stone gathers no moss”.
Another dear friend who had been traveling for fifteen years openly discussed his discomfort or disbelief in lasting relationships based on love. To me this attitude was a foreign concept, but for him a resolution that had long been a part of his life style and choice. I think he had always lived on the fringe of society, be it back home or in foreign lands so he had chosen another path and was, after many years of self and world exploration, contributing back to the communities with which he had an affinity. My understanding was that this commitment was growing as he found his purpose and an ability to make a difference to even one person’s life. He is now working with a group of street children in Burma, teaching English to them and helping them look at their future options in life. He also was a sincere and sensitive traveler, and touched many people’s lives wherever he went through his kindness, insight and acceptance of difference. He always gave more than he took. I think he will more than likely always be a solo traveler through this world.
Travel is an ongoing exposure and challenge to all that we think is “truth” or ‘reality”…as each life is experienced so differently from the other. And travel has shown me different ways of seeing. Accepting others ways of ‘being’ is part of my challenge and learning curve. Being confronted with other ways of seeing is a blessing for it brings about awareness of differences, and yet helps paint a clearer picture of who I am and what choices I have in this big wide world. It has given me more choices.
Whilst I was volunteering in Cambodia I met a number of volunteers who traveled with a purpose of “find themselves” (not so much looking for a mate) and put meaning to their lives or careers. Some found the humanitarian work satisfying and motivated them to change their approach to their lives back home, or their studies and future. Others were inspired to continue this kind of work in developing countries. Some just left with more confusion and confrontation about who they were and what they wanted to do with their lives. And so their journey continued partying, get drunk, getting laid and struggling to the next destination.
Another long term traveler friend of mine had left his home land and family twelve months before I met him on the road, after experiencing a marriage break up and seemingly ‘mid-life crisis’. Traveling the world by himself was the answer to his quest to redefine himself without the limitations of his roles back in the UK. Meeting people, encountering cultures and exotic places, as well as the challenge to himself to develop independence like he’d never known, was his quest to “find himself” in a new and more satisfying way. He was discovering being ‘single’. The journey was/is a roller coaster of emotions and personal inner conflicts, connections with people, sexual encounters with women, relationships, struggles and indulgences. It was/is a very self focused sojourn.
The rewards were many, but the costs very high to himself and others.
The majority of older long term travelers I met were the people for what ever reason, now had an intention of ‘escape’, ‘adventure’ or to do ‘heart work’, or simply wanted to avoid the trappings or responsibilities of ‘normal’ commitments associated with their previous life. They were free to make choices about their life style as they had financial security. They had reached some kind of ‘turning point’ in their life.
Whilst in Mae Sot I met both young and older people who had specific involvements and reasons for being there. There was a young American man completing his studies looking at the effects of living for years in refugees camps, another making a documentary on the same subject. There were health workers training the Burmese in pre and post natal care, a mid wife from Chad training the nurses, and another researcher from Holland gathering data on malaria. I met a man who had been following a family and documenting their journey from the refugee camp to resettlement in America. I met people educating on HIV awareness, and drug and alcohol prevention. An Australian woman on a disability pension returned about every two years to volunteer in the schools for illegal immigrants.
In Vietnam I worked with a woman who had single handedly set up an organization that catered for poor families, children with disabilities, paid for medication and operations, and arranged funding for worth while projects in her community. In Cambodia I had the privilege to meet a young woman who at the age of twenty two set up an orphanage and a team of people from Slovakia who ran an orphanage, school and medical service for children with aides. I was very impressed with a young man of twenty four throw his energy into finding funding for, and constructing school playgrounds. He had completed sixteen playgrounds for the children of the Burmese who had no legal status and therefore no educational support in Thailand. He was helped by an enthusiastic team of people who passed through the town and became involved. It was truly inspiring to see what one person can generate.
These were heart felt people, using their skills and knowledge to support different efforts, or projects with these communities. Some came specifically to do this work and others simply stopped their travels to get involved in something they felt worth while. It seems that this kind of travel / traveler is vastly different from the intentions of the long term sight seeing, adventure seeking traveler. I personally have preferred this form of exchange. It has more depth and meaning for me. Peeling back the layers and understanding a foreign culture takes time and I wonder whether we ever truly understand it all with our western perspective. At best we can learn from these people/cultures and give back what we can in what ever way is appropriate. It is always a two way exchange.
The day-to-day necessities of long term travel can fill a person’s life with direction and purpose but not meaning. Perhaps that’s why people keep traveling, as it can keep life very busy, without too much soul searching or responsibility being attached. Long term travel it seemed to me can be an escape and /or enlightening experiences (perhaps both). Some find themselves in ashrams or meditation retreats, tasting everything along the way, but still it remains a solo, inner journey to find ones own sense of peace and perhaps place in the world.
I can’t help but be grateful, for being born in Australia, as we in the west have the luxury of choice and I have also had the luxury of love and security in my world. Although I have been exposed to the harshness of poverty, corruption and the effects of war, I have been filled with a sense of hope, that amongst all this and environmental degradation and world economic worries, there is a band of people who are truly making for positive changes and creating a world based on ‘love’ rather than ‘fear’ and desperation.
I will go back to my familiar culture and work, but it will never quite be the same, and I hope to make something of all this experience to keep my life being worthwhile and perhaps bring some positive change to the world in some small or profound way….”we shall see”! My awareness has certainly been changed and so has my potential to contribute.
