One of the main reasons we came to Viet Nam was to see the birth families of my sons. Tomorrow, we shall meet the family of my youngest son for the first time.
I have no qualms about doing so. I've always tried to create a place where none of my children feel like they have to "choose" between the many family members who have been important to them. Instead there is a quiet reflection of the losses that impact everyone in adoption. The separation, the heartache, the holes that never fill.
There is always, for each mother in this scenario, the absence of completeness--I will never have his infancy, his early life. She does not know him now. Loss.
The best "Hollywood" portrayal of this loss that I've seen was in a movie that didn't have anything to do with adoption--Stepmom--the ultimate in sad and deep mom movies. Toward the end, when it is apparent that Mom is dying and Stepmom will become the everyday parent, the two women are sitting in a restaurant and Julia Roberts, "Stepmom," says that her biggest fear is that someday she will be helping the daughter prepare for her wedding, doing all the things moms do, and the daughter will be thinking, "I wish my mom was here." And Susan Sarandon, "mom" says very poignantly, "And I'm afraid she won't." It was, to me, from the first time I saw this movie, the perfect picture of the loss of adoption. Two mothers, who will neither ever be the "only", and who will never be the "all." And most importantly, who can never protect the child from the pain of loss.
Tonight, I flicked on the TV, went to one of the English channels, and yes, you guessed it. Stepmom was the movie of the night. So, I settled in with a box of tissues, watched a movie about mothers and loss, and prepared to meet Mom. How appropriate.
