The Stunning Adventures "Not all those who wander are lost." Tolkien

The Stunnings had found themselves back in Northern Laos, in a special little village called Muang Ngoi.  For those in the know, this is the setting for the "Water Buffalo Incident" from their last SE Asia expedition, but that is a story for another day.  This time, the Stunnings were back, determined to make a trek and end up in one piece.  This time they were prepared.  This time, they had brought reinforcements.  With a good neighbor from the "North", and two proper wartime allies from Britain, they were set to raise hell if needed.  As opposed to a three-day trek, the Stunnings and team opted for a short day trek to a picturesque waterfall that is found after a short boat ride down the Nam Ou River and an hour trek through rice fields and jungle.  This short trek had been recommended to them by a German fellow who was temporarily residing at the same guesthouse.  His only comments were, "It was a bit slippery and there were some leeches."  To the "team", this did not sound too bad. 
 
One might ask," Just who are these team members, and how do they qualify for the trek?"  
 
First to be introduced is Mat.  Mat is the neighbor from the "North".  Mat hails from North Battle Ford, Saskatchewan; a land of hearty people that still, to this day, wrestle polar bears.  Mat is sound of mind and makes He-Man look like a little boy.  He is often heard saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE?!?!  Clearly, Mat is up to the task. 
 
Next, we meet the two English warrior maidens.  Together, Rachel and Abi make a formidable pair.  Abi has been known to "Lao Lao" people into a drunken stupor and her weapons of choice are a crochet needle and a jar of bees wax .  Rachel, on the other hand, uses the Mayan Calendar to foretell the doom of her enemies and her weapon of choice is her broken flip-flop.  We are not exactly sure how she employs it in battle, but it is widely feared throughout England and SE Asia; and that was good enough for the Stunnings.  Both have been known to randomly yell to strangers,"You go to Laos today? You Change Money?"  Clearly this is a strategy to confuse and beguile would-be assailants.  This is not a pair you would want to run into down a dark English alleyway, they are beautiful, they are dangerous, and they are to be reckoned with, and... they are on the Stunning Trek Team.
 
Now that the team had breakfasted, and second breakfasted, they were on their way to the boat, the boat that would take them to "The Waterfall of Destiny".  They hop onto the small long-tail boat, which has already raised Abi's "Danger level" to about "8", this is not necessarily a great sign for the team, as they have only just begun the arduous journey.  Mat turns to Abi and unpretentiously says, "Don't worry, it is good for circulation".  This well placed comment found its mark and soothed the agitated anglo.  The long-tail driver started the boat and the team was on their way. 
 
Upon arrival in the town, the team unloaded from the boat and made their way through a small "10-chicken" town.  You may not be familiar with this term, but it is much akin to "one horse town".  The team had found themselves in uncharted territory and they were lost immediately.  Elizabeth quickly (and intelligently) suggests,"Why don't we employ one of these young villagers to assist us in locating the Waterfall of Destiny".  Frugal and "asking for directions"-stubborn, Greg immediately replies,"That is ridiculous, we shouldn't have any problem finding the trail, I mean, it's not like we are the only people that have trekked to the waterfall before."  Without much agreement, the team pays there entrance fee and makes their way down the muddy trail towards the village's rice fields. 
 
The team encounters an obstacle almost immediately.  A haphazardly placed road-block set right in the middle of the trail.  Maybe this was a warning, maybe the team should have taken a hint.  Not to be deterred, the team scaled the obstacle and found themselves face to face with a gigantic field of mud.  The team immediately huddled and agreed that the only way to advance was with great caution.  They focused on the task at hand and slowly started to make their way.  Soon the team was advancing so miserably and slowly, they looked and felt like Atreyu and Artax traveling through the "Swamp of Sadness".  The miserable trudging suddenly took back seat as the sky erupted with an ear shattering scream (with an English accent) followed by a cry for help,"OH GOD! GET IT OFF ME!! GET IT OFF ME!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  Everyone quickly makes their way to Abi, to find her being assailed by a blood sucking leech.  These are not any leeches, mind you.  These are the world-renowned Laos leeches, known to drain a human dry in five minutes, flat.  Rachel quickly whips out her broken flip flop and slices and dices the attacker into a million leech pieces; already proving its worth, she replaces the flip flop into its holster in the blink of an eye.  Always knowing what to say to the ladies, Mat soothingly says,"Don't worry, leech bites are good for circulation."  For a second time, Mat's words set her mind at ease, and her danger level falls from its apex and settles back down to a steady "6".   The team finds themselves at a crossroads, the path splits into three separate trails; but which trail to take?  The team splits up, only to find that one trail ends, one trail gets incredibly steep and ends in a mudslide down into the "Bog of Eternal Stench", and the last trail ends at a small, but deep stream with no bridge across it.  Rachel instinctively says,"This couldn't be the trail, surely they would have a bridge."  The rest of the team agrees and they find themselves at an impasse.  They have attempted to go down an unmarked trail in the middle of Northern Laos.  They have fallen for one of the classic blunders.  The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!  The team quickly huddled and agreed to make their way back to the village to employ one of the young townsfolk as a guide. 
 
After having already "trekked", more like slogged, for an hour, the team finds themselves back in the town.  The villagers all are wearing looks on their faces that convey the same thought," We knew you would be back, what craziness it is to trek into Laos wilderness without a guide."  We ask their assistance and they bring us to the hut of a young Laotian girl.  She was hovering a few feet above the ground in the lotus position.  We are given her Laos name, which Greg later had translated as "Laos Mudwalker".  We settled on a price and headed back to where we had been slogging before.  We all had surer feet, but the way was still slow going.  Our guide only wore flip flops but she made ground as though she were skipping down the sidewalks of Seattle.  Meanwhile, we are all lagging behind getting filthy as though we had gone "mud-gushing" back at Camp Don Bosco.  We make our way down the path to the bridge-less stream, but before we get there, a huge cricket lands on Elizabeth's shoulder.  She turns to look at it and is surprised that it is riding a small broom and is wearing a tiny little black pointy hat.  Buzzing all about her are tiny leeches with wings, wearing little red jackets and fezzes.  Before she can say anything, the cricket (in a buzzy scratchy cricket voice) says,"We'll get you my pretty, and your little Greg, too!" and then erupts into a annoying cricket cackle and flies off before Elizabeth can get anybody's attention.  Clearly she must have imagined this, at least that is what she recounts later.  She shakes it off, steadies herself, and continues onto the stream.  There she finds the group readying themselves to ford the stream.  Before any of them even set foot in the water, the sky darkens and rain begins to fall on the team.  As if enveloped in a protective shell, the guide does not even get wet; an incredible thing for sure. 
 
The guide hops down into the stream, making us all feel ridiculous for being turned away so easily in the first place.  She helps us all down, and we cross uneventfully.  We look back to the other side to see Rachel still standing there.  On account of her broken flip flop, she had borrowed Elizabeth's boots.  She did not want to get them wet, so she did not know how to cross.  Instinctively Mat re-crosses the river and tells her to,"Hop on."  Thinking this was the only "water hazard", the team carried on.  This is where the path enters the rice fields.  The path narrows and gets incredibly muddy, making the earlier mud field look like a Catholic grade school cake walk.  The rain picks up and the mosquitoes come to feast.  Greg, who is at war with the mosquito clans of SE Asia, quickly starts swatting and karate-chopping.  Knowing what to say to
"the gentlemen", Mat leans over and comfortingly says,"Don't worry buddy, mosquito bites are good for circulation."  Recognizing this as a line and seeing through the haze of bullshit, Greg continues his assault on the dastardly animali.  Like in a horror movie, when everything becomes clear to the hunted, everything got quiet.  The team could hear their hearts beating and their lungs expand and contract.  They looked about themselves and could nearly see the millions of little leech eyes staring right back at them menacingly, promising death.  The team found themselves in the exact same position as Han and Chewbacca attempting to fly the Falcon through the asteroid field; certain death being hurled at them from all directions.  Nevertheless, the team solidified their resolve and continued on.
 
It was not long when the team came to another water hazard.  Most of the teams feet were properly attired for getting wet, but Rachel hopped back on her trusty steed to pass this next stream.  After the quick stream crossing, everyone does a quick leech check.  The young Laotian guide looks at us quizically as we all start disrobing our feet checking for the blood sucking fiends.  As if we didn't already know, we all had at least one parasite attached to the terminal parts of our legs.  Not to be dissuaded, just like Gordie, Chris, Teddy, and Vern, we removed the leeches and carried on down our path.  The path found us all slipping, sliding, and stream crossing many times.  Many, many leeches were removed, but every time we stopped to remove them, we would see more crawling out of the rice fields, racing for any appendage they could sink their teeth into. 
 
Eventually the path literally turned into a stream and later into a river.  This was okay with the team, as we were safe from the leeches in the running water.  Rachel gave up on her valiant effort to keep Elizabeth's boots dry, as it would have been ridiculous to even attempt.  By this time they needed a bath anyway.  Having left the rice fields by now, the team continued on into the dense Laotian jungle.  The team turned a corner in the river and found themselves face to face with the first of three waterfalls.  It was small, but a welcome sight as it promised the end to this torturous journey. We made our way up the fall only to find before us the second waterfall.  This waterfall was impressive, a good 30 feet high, cascading immense amounts of water every second.  There were some small footholds carved into the side of the falls with a rickety bamboo banister.  The team slowly and carefully climbed the treacherous stairs.
 
Like Charlie finding the Golden Ticket, the Team had finally found what they had been seeking, for what seemed like a lifetime.  With shouts of elation and jubilation the team celebrated.  Photos were taken, hugs were given out like ticker-tape at an old-fashioned parade.  Our guide again looked at us quizzically, as we must have looked like we were nuts.  But...the teams happiness was contagious, and the guide soon joined in hugging and picture taking.  We all hopped in the small pool and the let the spray of the "Waterfall of Destiny" wash away our sorrows and fatigue, not to mention loads of mud.  But the joy was short-lived, as the realization that this was a round trip hit us with the force of Dump Truck.  Greg even looked to the sky, hoping that Falcor would come to his rescue and fly him back to Muang Ngoi, like he saved Bastian from the bullies in the alley. 
 
We soon found that the "Waterfall of Destiny" must have bestowed upon us a certain bravery and protection.  We all stopped slogging and found ourselves quite comfortable in the streams and mud paths.  The paths had seemed to dry up a bit for us and the sun shone its happy face down upon us.  Everything was going to be okay.  Greg made his way down one particularly slippy bit and left his feet entirely.  Rachel was the only one to witness his incredible feat.  As though the waterfall had endowed him with Matrix-like reflexes, he flipped around in mid-air and regained his footing, only putting one thumb down to balance himself in the mud, a recovery for the archives, for sure.  The team made there way quickly and comfortably as Abi had cut off a couple of her dreads and made a pair of num chucks.  She was blazing a trail, beating off the leeches as though they were nothing at all.  
 
Soon, the team was back to the first mud field that they encountered.  They joined hands and started skipping down it, just like Dorothy, Toto, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow skipped down the yellow brick road.