The
beautiful, soft light of dawn filtering through the pupils of my eyes only to
bounce off my unusually sensitive retinas with all the gentleness, politeness
and consideration for my comfort as a Guantanamo questionnaire found my
consciousness probing the jelly in my skull for an answer to a difficult
question… ‘Was the world of pain throbbing inside my head that this particular
sunrise dragged me into the worst single event I could remember?’ Given the
fact I only had one other memory making the grand total of two contenders for
the title, I should probably fill you in. It went like this…
The
memory occurred either a fraction of a second or an eternity ago. I’m not sure
if my mind shifted, expanded, flowed over or just stood back and realised the boundaries
of my usual awareness just didn’t exist but the result of trying to describe it
is almost as mind fucking as the experience itself. Im pretty sure it started
with the outwards expansion of my consciousness and all the weirdness of the
universe from a single point of every and all total potential to the vastness
of infinity and the knowledge that there is no me, or was it just me? Well it
was definitely only eternity its self and it all just went around and around
and up and down like some kind of cosmic merry go round.
It
was like being pushed around the set of 'backyard blitz', bound and gagged in a
wheel burrow by the producer only it was 'universal makeover' and it was God
herself doing the pushing. I was only unceremoniously dumped out of the wheel
burrow of time back into my usual (at least most usual) state of awareness when
a personal thought dragged it's self into my consciousness. The thought? A
question; simply ‘do I exist?’ Any further explanation and words the like of
absolute, infinity and eternity give way to jibberish like absoluteable,
everythinglyness, eternalless and then just you’re run of the mill
cursing. Of course this is what you should expect if you are going to ask a
favour of old mate Budda to escape the pain of living while not willing to
leave the joys of life such as home brew cider and hash.
The title fight for the ‘worst memory ever’ was soon forgotten, or more
accurately won by a third contender that came in the shape of the realisation
that I hadn’t actually opened my eyes yet. The sunlight aggravating the mush
currently calling itself my brain was only a dull reddish/yellow glow
criss-crossed with vivid red lines viewed through my eyelids. As unfortunate as
it was I decided that I had no option but to open my eyes, accept the strange
feeling in my head and stomach some would call enlightenment while others would
call a spike of pain and flood of nausea that was going to come waltzing into
my body hand in hand with the activation of my fifth sense in order to work out
what exactly was happening. But that was the way it was going to be.
