It's weird to think that I will never again think "It's a full moon tonight, wonder how that's going to effect the psych unit?" Three weeks from now I will be boarding a plane bound for Europe and my days (and nights) of employment on an Inpatient Psychiatric Unit will officially be over. Since deciding to leave my job, I have had many on the job moments where I've wondered if I could even handle the couple of months that lay ahead of working with psych patients, but the closer the day comes to saying good-bye to Children's IPU, the more I begin to wonder if I am going to be able to withstand a job outside the confines of locked doors and picture schedules.
Seriously. I've worked in office jobs and the tedious nature of the paperwork and detachment from those I'm aiming to help has left me dizzy and bored. There is something life-affirming about walking into your workplace not knowing what to expect and knowing that thinking the worse is not "catastrophizing behavior" but merely part of prepping for the work day. Of course this very same suspense of the unknown has also been known to keep me up late at night when I work the next morning. It's moments like that in which I think leaving the unit will probably be the very best thing for my health.
But in a way have I been spoiled by my job? Less than full time, more or less laid back atmosphere, frequent opportunities for creativity, art projects and kickball? Is life outside the psych unit going to fulfill me or will I find myself wishing that someone would throw a carton of milk at my face or hoping that one day when glancing over my shoulder (as I'm now frequently accustomed to do), I would actually come face to face with someone holding a sharpened pencil aimed directly at my pupil?
What stories will I share with new friends? What other work environments endow you with stories about teens hot-boxing the bathrooms, running down the hallways naked or bursting out of their rooms on a Sunday morning and declaring in a full-on manic voice "Get me to church!!" Will I feel fulfilled if I don't leave work with stories of getting choked for not being a doctor, a bruised thumb from dodging a chair and a bent ring from a patient who tried to bite it right off my finger? Sometimes I worry I will find myself making picture schedules for kids that don't exist, coaching parents in the grocery store on how to support their children or worse of all, instigating fights on neighborhood playgrounds so that I can intervene and have a time to shine.
My memories from my two years on the psych unit are invaluable. Coming home from a concert to learn I was called in overnight to sit with a girl who'd tried to commit suicide. Coming in to work one morning wondering why I'd dreamed about one patient in particular, only to learn the night before this same patient had a near-successful suicide attempt on the unit. Two teenage guys standing on a couch together lip-synching Akon's "Don't Matter." Numerous diaper changes for autistic kids, on in particular who tore their clothes to shreds and shoved their entire fist in their mouth to make themself vomit. Another who led me into their bedroom and invited me to remove my shoes and watch Spongebob with them--their personal show of hospitality. Exposure to drug-induced psychosis, med-psych patients, foster care rejects. The times I missed out on eating lunch because the eating disorder patient I was coaching started vomiting halfway through the meal. The afternoon we took a kid to the seclusion room from what began as a case of taking too many fruit snacks. The morning I saw a teenager come in who I'd worked with at Ruth Dykeman, even more ravaged by foster care, and sent off to a different hospital. The day I left work physically shaken from all of the pre-pubescent boys I'd seen pummel eachother. The time a kiddo escaped and made it all the way on to a city bus with his teddy bear in tow. Thank God the bus driver didn't allow barefoot ten year olds onto his bus.
My job has varied with every moment, of every day. I walk in the doors ready to face anything that lies ahead. What I'm told I'll deal with during my shift usually doesn't match that which actually occurs. Working on a psych unit teaches you when to work as a team and when to take initiative. You're forced to be creative while following the rules. Simultaneously maintain awareness of patient safety, chart-able behavior, the daily schedule and unit-wide concerns. In a very delicate way your own priorities take the back seat while also modeling superb self-care. It's a job that demands self-confidence, satisfaction, peace and self-awareness both inside and outside of the workplace.
Working at the hospital I've learned my own triggers, the essential nature of emotional intelligence and distress tolerance skills. I've been inspired by the patients I've encountered to take care of my own self and challenge my own fears and limitations. I've finally begun to understand the saying "To Whom Much Has Been Given, Much Is Expected." And I see that this doesn't necessarily mean saving the world as much as it means taking care of your own self and following your heart. In many ways my life has become so much more balanced than ever before as I have grown to practice what I preach.
The patients I am empathizing with the most lately are the ones just getting set to go back home. I can fully relate to their anxiety about the unknown and appreciate their awareness of the magical transience of the psych unit. I often think of how lucky these kids are to have a place to reflect on their "real" life and get a little insider info on emotions and coping skills. I guess in the same way I feel so lucky to have learned these same things and to have had my life graced by so very many invaluable people--both the patients and staff alike. Saying good-bye is always a hard thing. But I am not the same person I was back in February 2007 and now I am ready for a transition. No matter how scary I am for what lies outside the walls of the psych unit, I know that now is the time to put into practice all that I have learned from the unforgettable people I've encountered through this phenomenal job.
